Mr. D

All right, I'm Mr. Duncan.

Actually the "uncan" is unnecessary.

You can call me Mr. D.

But, uh, we call Mr. Dwyer "Mr. D."

Well that's going to be confusing then for Mr. Dwyer.

Anyway, you're older kids. I understand that.

We're really close in age, I'm not much older really.

So, I can relate to a lot of the things and I'm here to help you

with any problems, concerns, OK?

Anorexia, maybe some drug problems there?

A little low self esteem? The lip ring?

Maybe a gender issue? You are a woman... you are a woman.

A very handsome, I'm sorry, beautiful, not handsome.

Beautiful woman.

Solved that problem. I see these things,

I see these things because I care.

Everybody here is from a different background.

I like that. I've been to many, many countries.

Almost all of them. Except for a couple hundred.

All right? Let's pick a country, see if I've been there.

Japan. Been there. Konnichiwa.

OK, let's do another one. Middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Have not been there. Death, sharks, do not wanna be there.

OK. How long are these classes?

- 80 minutes. - All right, 6...

74 minutes to go.

Excuse me, sorry, thank you.

- Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm new here. - Oh, I'm Gerry.

I'm not really new 'cause I've been substituting for a few years.

So, it's just harder than this regular.

- Right. - Look at that! That is the French teacher.

- Oh. - For sure, they're always so hot.

I teach Social Studies you know?

- What? What was that? - Nothing.

Morning folks, settle please, attention si vous plais.

- Everybody sit down. People! - Hey! Sit down!

Yeah.

Thank you, yes, thanks for taking your seats and settling everyone.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Vice Principal Robert Cheeley

and, uh, I'm thrilled to be starting another exciting year here

at Xaviar Academy and my first task, right on time,

is to introduce the Cap-i-tain. Our fearless leader. Our hero.

Thank you. I'll take it from here.

Just a couple of things I want to go over.

First, welcome all the new staff. Question? Go ahead.

No I was just, I was waving... only.

OK, number two: This week is the parent/teacher meet and greet.

I want you all to get your game face on for that.

- This is my game face. - Oh, good.

I would like to continue if I could by formally

- introducing the new staff... - Gerry Duncan. Thank you.

New to this school, but I have been substituting for years, which is...

Uh, actually harder he says.

So I'm part of the social studies department here,

but as you can tell, my background is in physical education,

education du physique.

Boom! So...

- My legs are the same. - Thanks, Gerry, that's great.

But we should probably get on with the meeting.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry Robert. Number three:

Our rival, St. Pat's, this year again

has been rated the number one private school in the city.

We can't have this. Now this is our main rival.

This has got to stop.

Principal Davis will be rubbing this in my face again and again.

It all starts with our sports teams.

So, Bobbi? Bobbi?

All right, this year let's kick St. Pat's right in the sack!

Yeah, I am on it! Right in the sack, sir! You got it!

- All right everybody. - Teach hard!

I'm going to teach so hard.

- See where that phys ed teacher went? - I'm actually a little nervous.

I don't get nervous, I have the gift of the gab

and teaching's just gabbing to kids really.

I shouldn't be nervous, I have a masters in education

and a PhD in medieval history, so...

I have a masters in people and a PhD in natural ability, so...

- Those aren't real. - Real to me.

Running in the hall, Mr. Stratton? Congratulations.

You have the honor of being my first detention of the year.

Can I steal him for a sec?

- What a hard ass, huh? - Yeah!

Don't run, speed walk.

I was almost in the Olympics for this. You can't get in trouble.

- Watch. Tell me when to say go. - Go.

No, wait till I'm ready.

- OK, I'm ready. - Go!

Watch! Slow, OK, see that?

See? It's all right there, feet on the ground.

Whew! See?

All right! Stretch it out,

hold for ten. Nice, you guys look great.

Those are some interesting stretches.

- Just a warmup really. - Well, they should probably run first,

- but it's your class, so... - They're training for a half marathon,

- so I'm limiting their running right now. - Half marathon?

I finish my marathons, but that's just me.

Anyway, if you want some help from a fellow phys ed'er,

- I am at your beck and call. - Actually, you know what?

They need someone to coach the 5/6 girls basketball team. How 'bout that?

Done! I will coach anything. Let's do it up!

Yeah, just because you can do that doesn't mean you can coach.

Anyway...

Hello, Miss Trudy Walsh! Hello, hello.

I need to make a little announcement. Just a...

- What kind of announcement? - Very important one. Seriously!

- All right. - Thank you, Trudy!

Check, check. What's up, homies of Xavier Academy?

Mr. D in the house, in the school.

This is an emergency, emergency announcement. Pay attention.

Please stop. Listen, this is an emergency announcement.

Today, after school in the gym, there will be a grade 5/6

girls basketball tryout in the school after with me the coach, I'm the new coach of the team.

- After school, I'm excited! - Give me that!

- Thank you. - That was some emergency!

I just hope Principal Callaghan didn't hear that!

And if he didn't, I might have to tell him.

- What's it gonna cost to keep your silence? - Here!

"This Friday McGillicuddy's, an evening with Sleetwood Knack."

I'll tell you what. You bring a friend, and your secret's safe with me.

You know what? I think you should just tell him.

I'm sorry about bothering you. Sleetwood Knack.

Bring it in please.

Hello, hello, hello, ladies!

Might wanna get a strap for those.

This is gonna be fun. Let me tell you how my tryouts work.

You may notice three large cutouts that look distinctly like me.

That's because they are me, from when I was in high school

where I played a lot of high school intramural basketball.

This is how the tryouts work. If you are not as tall as the first Mr. D,

then you... OK, exactly.

No, you unfortunately, I'm sorry.

I gotta cut you. You are not even close to that size, OK?

All right? Why don't you go down the hall and audition for Annie?

OK? The sun will come out tomorrow, OK?

Let's give her a hand. She got cut, but she got cut with dignity.

So that's good, she handled that well.

I like to see that, all right?

UH... Glasses, let me see you up here.

- My name is Gabby. - You're now Glasses.

'Cause I give everybody nicknames. If I cut you, you can go back to Gabby.

Let's see if you're as tall here, please.

No, she is not.

Oh! Tippy toes! Good thinking!

Smart, ambition, desire to make the team, that is awesome!

Everybody have a seat, please. All right?

I'm going to show you what I expect from you in the scrimmage.

Some of this, a little bit of that, some of this.

I don't have the right shoes on. Bring the right shoes.

I forgot mine. You'll lose the ball.

Come on up here. Let me see you, please. Stand by this for a sec.

Put your hand up. Good! On the team!

Probably the captain. You ever played basketball?

Doesn't matter. You are on the team! You are now Sasquatch!

Come on back up here, Glasses. I'm going to show you a pick.

This is what we're going to use to free up

space once we know who our best player is. OK?

Run by me. Go ahead, run by me.

OK? That is a pick.

All right? Let me give you a hand there, someone should help her.

That's why you need a strap.

Give her a hand for participating. We're gonna have fun.

- How was your first day at school? - -Amazing, actually.

- Now you gotta teach every day, eh? That sucks. - It's amazing!

- What are you talking about? - I get my own class, I get to coach.

- Who do they got you coaching? - Grade 5/6 girls basketball.

- Challenging. - Well, they kind of suck right now.

Some of the girls are actually worse than you. But we'll have fun, I guess.

Worse than me? You can't even do a left-handed layup.

I told you, I come from the right side on purpose.

- I don't need to... - You guys are going to lose every game.

I guess you're OK with that, that's fine.

Dude, these are the players I have.

You could recruit better players.

Recruit a 12-year-old girl?

What do I, just go to some online chat room,

- is that what you do? - Or you could just go

to a school and introduce yourself,

call her parents.

- Nice! Another cooler! - Yes, sir.

- Here you go, Geraldine, yeah. - Rock on!

Gerry, you know that!

- Done! - Done.

This is Anne Murray Elementary.

I heard a teacher here got stabbed in the leg

- by a kindergarten kid. - There she is.

Candice Williams.

Best under 13 player in the city.

See her? I'm goin', I'm goin'!

- Yeah, I'm coming. - No, stay here, honk if a teacher comes.

That's my job? Honk?