Mr. D

- Forgot my keys. - They're in my tearaways.

Oooh, I gotta get one of these!

Pft, see ya later Bobbi.

Hey.

- What's going on here, Gerry? - Ummm...

Nice of you to show up to congratulate me.

- Especially, looking like that. - Excuse me?

Would have been nice if ya cleaned up before I...

- Moved in here. - Just get out of my office.

No, no. This is my office now.

- I'm the head of Phys Ed. - No.

You become head of Phys Ed when I go on maternity leave.

So, just so I understand, you're still head of Phys Ed?

- Right now? - Yes, you got it.

- Kay, then what does that make me? - Incompetent.

But, I'm still teaching Phys Ed, right?

Yeah, that's what the contract says.

- Yeah, this is... - The greatest day of my life.

That's what this is.

- And that's the bell. - Just go.

And I'm going to go to class, so you just put your stuff back.

'Cause I forget where it goes, and we'll be good.

And hurry up and spit that thing out.

Great promotion.

Fifty copies of this please.

Can't you see that I'm busy here, Robert.

- I can do it. - Really?

Vice Principal, I gotta support the leader now, right?

- Thank you Vice Principal Dwyer. - I guess that's true, I am the leader.

And as such, I plan on commandeering this ship

- straight to the top of the ocean. - Barf.

Which means I won't have time for some of these smaller tasks.

Oh, speaking of which. Alex was roughhousing in class.

Discipline was my forte as vice principal.

An honour I bequeath to you. You got this.

- No more roughhousing, alright? - Fine.

Get back to class.

See you guys.

That's a good kid. Peace.

There they are.

My sister camp counsellors.

K-A-N-A-W-A-K - Kanawak Girls!

Forever! Bracelets in!

We should probably get to class, Miss Corcoran.

Oh, no. It's Nisha.

And what about our special Kanawak camp counsellor greeting that we do?

Forever.

This is too weird.

- Weird? - We gotta go Miss Corcoran.

It's Nisha and I've got to go too.

And it's not weird...

It's friendship.

Friends. Blah.

Welcome to the dawn of a new era in Physical Education...

At Xavier Academy.

That's my thing.

So, you're used to Ms. Galka teaching you. Not any more.

I, Mr. D...

Am the new full time...

Physical Education teacher, and I'll tell you this...

I'm fair. I'm just. All of you have a chance in this class.

Even you, Dwayne.

Who I know would rather be at his Dungeons and Dragons club meeting right now.

Actually I'm into LARPing right now.

Ooh, he's into LARPing.

I have no idea what that is, but good for you.

Sunita, I saw in the hall...

A poster that you have started a...

- I'm trying to start a baking club. - Do you want to help me with that?

No, I do not. Do I look like I bake?

My point is, Sunita, Dwayne, work hard.

Try your best and you have a chance to pass the course.

Sir, I had a 94 last year.

- You had a 94?! - And, I had a 96.

Was that the highest mark in the class, Sunita?

- No, Kyle beat me with a 98. - Kyle?!

Kyle, you had a 98 in Ms. Galka's Phys Ed class last year?

- Sure did Sir. - Kyle, come here please.

This is, ahh, your first teaching moment.

- Okay. Hold that please. - It's pretty heavy.

- Pretty what? - Pretty heavy.

- The ball's heavy, is it? - Yeah.

I want you to watch Kyle dribble the ball. 98 average.

With both hands. Go ahead.

Stop, stop. What was that?

You told me to dribble with both hands, sir.

So, you all had nineties with Miss Galka last year?

I got a 58 last year.

You're like the best athlete in the school Lucas.

You walk in this gym, you got an 85 already.

How do you have a 58?

I'm not great at memorizing dimensions of the field.

I don't care if you can't memorize dimensions of a play area.

- Aaliyah got a 61. - She always forgets her shirt.

Aaliyah, you got a six...?

Aaliyah, come here please. Come on up here.

Can you dribble please with both hands?

You're Miss 61 last year. Go ahead.

Look how she does it.

Stop. Thank you Aaliyah.

From this point on Physical Education is about athleticism.

VP in the house!

How's it all going, anyway Vice Principal?

- This is great. - I mean, look at this chair.

The armrests are perfect height.

- So, you're comfortable in your new role? - No questions or anything?

I've never been more comfortable in my life.

Look at this lumbar support. Look at this posture.

Chair aside... Um...

- Can I offer a word of advice? - Can I stay in the chair?

- Stay in the chair. Yeah. - What's up?

If there's one thing I learned in my tenure as Vice Principal.

Some kids can be monsters.

- Man, we got sweet kids here. - If by sweet you mean...

Evil and dead inside then I would agree.

They're kind, they're considerate, they're...

Paul, from my experience if you don't come down harder

on the students than you did on Alex, you're going to lose them.

- Wait, Alex? - That was just a little roughhousing.

I didn't think it was that bad.

Well, if roughhousing isn't that bad,

I don't even know what that good is anymore.

I guess when you lose your girlfriend to prison and your ex-wife to murder,

and your dog to running away... You gain perspective.

- Powerful stuff. - Come down harder on the kids, okay?

Whoo!

Got it? What do you want?

What's with the whiteboard in Phys Ed class?

- I'm teaching. - Couldn't crack that?

So, you don't scrimmage for basketball? You do all this?

Gerry, Phys Ed's not just about scrimmaging.

Yes it is, how do you determine if they're good athletes or good in Phys Ed?

Punctuality, discipline,

effort, accountability and uniform, it's easy.

So, let me get this straight, if a kid comes in here...

And he's droppin' three pointers but he's got black socks and he's a little late.

- Then they're not going to get great marks. - That's just stupid.

- Well, you're stupid! - No, am not.

Parent's need an even playing field...

So that there's no discrimination against their kids' weaknesses.

Phys Ed is the one class where we still can discriminate against their weaknesses.

What?!

Good luck on your test, kids.

I just thought that when I finally got to be

in the gym teaching I could do it my way.

What do you care? You're teaching gym!

It's what you wanted.

I teach Phys Ed in the gym, we don't say ya teach gym.

Sorry.

And I don't want to do all these little stupid things Bobbi thinks are important.

Well, if there's one thing I know about you...

You've always been unconstrained by curriculum.

- That's a fair point. - Or common sense.

- Thank you. - No matter how bad it is for the kids,

You do what you want.

I mean, I just have to look at a kid and I know if they have an.

A in Phys Ed if they're a good athlete or a D if they're a bad athlete.

Mmm hmm. That's that careless simplicity that makes you 'you', man.

- Time for a change. - Absolutely.

Give Phys Ed back to the athletic kids.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna...

MPEGA!

- MPardon? - Make Phys Ed Great Again.

- MPEGA. - Oh, that's terrible.

No, it's not. It's catchy.

This is a little exercise I like to call crucifixion arm strength.

Why would you call it crucifixion?

'Cause you have to hold your arms up like Jesus did, obviously.

But Jesus didn't hold his arms up, they were nailed.

- Yeah, that's a good point. - That's not a good point.

How is that a good point? What are you trying to say?

You have stronger arm strength than Jesus? 'Cause ya don't.

Technically we don't know how strong his arms were...

You know 'cause of... 'Cause of the nails.

- Would you stop talking? - It's not what this is about.

- My arms are burning! - Okay, yeah, okay!

That's 'cause you're weak, Judas.

- Strength. Jesus strength. - Still doesn't make sense.

- You know what else was hard? - Speaking of Jesus.

Being Jesus was hard and he did a damn good job of it.

Imagine having your birthday on Christmas?

You're excited it's Christmas day...

But it's your birthday. Everywhere he went...

Merry Christmas Jesus. How about Happy Birthday Jesus?

No, he never got that.

It was Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, that's hard.

Take all the stuff you had with Miss Galka and chuck it.

'Cause her Five Mark system is done.

Now we're going with my Five Mark system and it's simple.

You get five marks for being great at something...

You get three if you're good and you get zero if you suck at it.

Jesus will get five out of five...

If Jesus was in this class he'd get whatever he wants, 'cause he's Jesus.

And I don't want to deal with his mom and dad coming in here saying...