Ted Lasso

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Four, three, two…

Good morning. It's Friday.

Glad you could join us. I'm your host, Jeff Stelling,

here with Chris Kamara and George Cartrick.

As we head into the last weekend of the season,

we have an update on those rumors of change at West Ham United.

But first, we turn our attention to the championship

and AFC Richmond, the club of our former foulmouthed colleague…

Roy Kent.

The headline this morning is the news that

Ted Lasso left in the middle of the Tottenham match this season

not due to stomach problems, but because of a panic attack.

Lasso appears to be leaving?

George?

Lasso's clearly not fit to coach.

Come on now, George.

-Be compassionate. -Come on. Come on, Jeff. Come on.

Would Bill Shankly have a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough?

-Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack? -Be fair.

No, of course he wouldn't. Look, if your ship's being attacked, right?

And you run to the bridge,

you want to find a captain whose brain works,

not some big girl's blouse.

I miss Roy.

Hi, Ted. Remember, the truth will set you free,

but first it'll piss you off.

I'm here if you want to talk. Good luck this weekend.

Hey, fellas.

-Yeah. -Good one.

Morning, Susan.

Are you all right, Ted?

Yes, ma'am.

Are you sure about that?

Hey, Coach.

Thank you.

Hey, wanker.

If my father had a panic attack at Normandy,

we'd all be speaking German.

Yes, sir.

Just do the work, pal. You'll be all right.

I assume you know what that was all about, yeah?

Nope.

Those are lovely. Who are they from?

Edwin Akufo.

"Sorry for your loss."

That was thoughtful of him.

He must've heard about your father's passing.

I've not finished. "But we will give Sam a very good home in Casablanca."

Still, nice gesture.

So, Leslie, any rumblings about which way Sam's leaning?

Not a peep, and I'm trying to play it chill.

So whenever I see him in a hallway, I just give him a cool nod.

You know, like this.

Oh, shit. That was cool.

I know, right? I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie,

and I thought, "I'm taking that."

Still, it's not looking great.

Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?

Ted.

So sorry about the article, Ted.

Oh, that's okay, Keeley.

You know what they say. No such thing as bad publicity, right?

Although, I think they might've been wrong about that one,

which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on with the beer before liquor thing.

-Here you go, boss. -Thank you, Ted.

And you know that you have our full support.

I appreciate that.

I still wish I could've done something

before that dick Trent Crimm posted the article.

Oh, no, come on. Trent's a good guy. He's just doing the gig.

Well, don't worry. I'm gonna speak directly to the owner of the paper

and see who this anonymous source was.

Nah, come on, no need. Fact is, everything they said was true.

And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee, I actually can handle the truth.

Well then, my advice is no press until after the match.

I agree.

Concentrate on the task in hand, beating Brentford.

Yes, because if we lose, it will kill me.

Please don't lose, Ted. I beg you.

Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton. I'm on it like a bonnet.

Oh, God. These taste like shit.

Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night, and I am now absolutely positive that

I switched the salt and sugar. I'm sorry about that.

No, no, no.

No, it's interesting.

She's a sneaky, salty bitch.

Like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place, right?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

Right?

-That's exactly how you'd describe her. -Yeah.

Oh, Heather.

Hello.

-I will not be safe out there. -Hey.

All right?

Is Roy here?

I don't hear any grunting.

-Hey, morning. -Morning, Nate.

Is Roy here?

No.

You seen this?

Yes. It's awful.

-Yeah. -Yeah. It was awful.

Yeah.

Roy--

Jamie's looking for you.

Oh, is he?

Oi!

Tartt!

Me?

Through there? Yeah.

Wait. Can I just say something first?

Yeah, okay. That's a good idea

'cause when I'm done, you won't have any teeth left,

and you'll need them for the talking bit.

Right. Yeah, okay.

So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral, I told Keeley that I still loved her.

It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it,

but I ain't used to being around dead people.

It just-- It did something to me, emotionally, you know?

But I still-- I shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong,

but I just need you to know that I respect you,

and I respect Keeley, and I respect your relationship,

and I will never ever do anything like that ever again.

Fuck!

Sorry. I kind of froze when you two came in here,

and I just didn't know what to do.

All right.

Yeah, no, it definitely sounds both helpful and compassionate.

But I don't think that

you moderating a session between Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist

is the best move right now.

All his attention is on Brentford.

Thank you very much.

Fuck you, Piers Morgan.

Holy fucking shit!

Oh, my…

Circle up!

Thank you, Coach.

Hey, fellas.

Before we get started here, I wanted to talk to y'all about

the article you saw in the paper this morning.

Actually, y'all probably saw it on your phones.

I still get the paper, 'cause, well,

you can't cut cartoons out of a phone, right?

Yeah, but you can screenshot them and text them.

That's copyright infringement, bruv.

I hear you, Zoreaux,

but you can't hang a screenshot on a fridge either.

My refrigerator has a television.

I think I have the same one.

-I bought it-- -The point is,

y'all found out about something from somewhere,

when you should've found out about it from me first.

But I chose not to tell y'all, and that was dumb.

You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day,

ranging from, "Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?"

To, "Should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?"

Me choosing not to be forthright with y'all, that was a bad choice.

But I can't be wasting time wishing for a do-over on all that.

'Cause that ain't how choices work. No, sir. No.

That choice, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket

that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow my sophomore year 'cause

she spilled ketchup all over herself, and it looked like she'd been shot,

those are two things I ain't getting back.

'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas.

And I didn't give myself the chance to build further trust with y'all.

To quote the great UCLA college basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf,

"It is our choices, gentlemen, that show what we truly are,

far more than our abilities."

Now, I hope y'all can forgive me for what I've done.

'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want

any of y'all to hold anything back with me.

-Nah, we got you, Coach. We got you. -We got you, Coach.

Yeah, no problem, gaffer.

And when we sniff out the rat,

permission to take socks full of soap to their stomach and chest?

We're gonna find 'em and fuck 'em up!

-Yeah! -We'll kill him!

Follow the money!

No, fellas, look. I'm gonna nip that talk in the butt right now.

It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.

It is? 'Cause of flowers, right?

Horticulture, baby!

That makes more sense. I appreciate that. Thank you.

No, look, gentlemen. I want us to focus on something a little bit more productive,

like working on Nate the Great's false nine.

-How's that sound? Okay, good. -Yes. Yeah.

Okay, anybody got any questions before we get started?

-Yeah, I got one. -Yeah, Jamie, what do you got?

What are we gonna do with that fucking thing there?

Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.

Well, tell you what, let's all head to the north field,

and if you guys hustle, that'll count as our cardio for today, yeah?

Scram! Whistle! Whistle!

Come in.

What's this?

This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals.

One of these two contestants will be our new mascot.

Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?