Ted Lasso

Good morning.

Today on the show, we'll meet the winners of our UK's Ugliest Home contest.

Oh, yeah, also making a new recipe with popular online chef, Momo,

who also happens to be a chimpanzee.

Now, I wonder if he's gonna make something with bananas in it.

- Banana bread maybe. - Or maybe banana pancake.

Oh, man.

Morning, Mae.

Morning, Ted.

Hey, thanks again for the accommodations upstairs.

They're perfect and convenient.

Stay as long as you like 'cause the only other renters I get

either have little yapping dogs or cocaine habits.

Both are a pain in the arse at 4:00 in the morning.

And after they check out, there's shit everywhere.

Yeah. What do we got here?

Something to set you up for the day.

That's mighty kind of you, but I'm not really a morning beer person.

It's Guinness. That's a full meal.

Still.

But I'll see you later, all right?

Bit early for my second of the day, but...

fuck it.

I guess nothing stays the same.

Okay. A little bit to the right.

- Welcome back, Coach. - Thank you, sir.

Too bad you're coaching a bunch of girls, you wanker.

I guess some things do stay the same.

Come in.

- Morning, Leslie. - Hello, Rebecca.

For you.

Tell me you didn't write a novel in your downtime.

What downtime, Rebecca?

No, with the Twickenham FC women's team going under,

I felt compelled to commission a more extensive analysis

of our women's team viability.

"Knox and Sullivan's strategic assessment of the short and long-term viability

of professional women's football in London,

TW2 7BU prepared for Leslie R..."

"Higgins on behalf of AFC Richmond."

Crikey, that's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?

I agree. So for short,

I think we should call it the KSSASLVPWFLTPLRHBAR report.

I think we just call it The Higgins Report, shall we?

I'm flattered.

So what's the gist of it then?

I haven't read it yet.

I spent the entire evening memorizing the acronym,

but I will read it all and give you a summary the moment I'm done.

Perfect. Thank you.

And who's that for?

Keeley.

Let's just see what it's all about first, shall we, before bothering Keeley with it?

Of course.

And Coach Chilton is outside.

She requested to have a word with you.

Good Lord, that little ray of sunshine.

Right. Let her in.

Good morning, Coach Chilton.

Based on what?

May I sit?

Sorry, may I sit over there?

Thank you.

Miss Welton, I know we haven't had much interaction over the last few months,

but I wanted to thank you for giving me the opportunity

to be part of Richmond's first women's team.

You've been absolutely fantastic. Hasn't she, Leslie?

Yes. And all under budget, may I add.

Unlike the men's team.

Coach Kent's alternative milk budget alone is frankly unreasonable.

So what can I help you with?

I'm resigning.

When I came here to help build this team from the ground up,

I was hoping it would lead to something bigger.

And even though I initially agreed to stay on as assistant manager

after being passed over,

I've now come to realize that I have higher aspirations for myself than that.

So I will take this week to help with the new manager's transition.

I will prepare a list of candidates for the new assistant,

and my last day will be Friday.

All I ask for is a letter of recommendation.

Of course.

And obviously if there's anything I can help you with,

then please don't hesitate to ask.

Actually, yeah, I do have a question. Did you ever consider me for head coach?

No.

Did you consider any woman?

No.

She said what?

That I'm some woman-hating monster.

That I'm not a feminist.

She didn't say any of that.

Don't be daft, Leslie.

It was implied.

Implication is everything!

Thank you!

And clearly you are a feminist

because you just started a badass women's team...

- Right. - And you'll do whatever it takes

and spend whatever it takes to make sure it's successful, right?

Exactly.

Plus, you didn't just hire any man.

You rehired Ted fucking Lasso.

My middle name is actually pronounced frickin'.

- Ted! - Ted.

Hey. Hello, sir.

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, ma'am. Gates barbecue.

And a one-time special installment of Brisket with the Boss.

Ted, you don't seriously think I can eat smoked meat

- at nine o'clock in the morning, do you? - Actually I do.

It's got a little fork.

- Are Henry and Michelle all settled? - They get here next week, actually. Yeah.

Thanks for all your help setting that up, boss.

Anytime.

Ted, I can't believe you're here! I'm so excited.

Hey, you know what I'm excited about?

Getting to meet the lady that put this sucker together.

- Look at that. - What is that?

It's a full dossier on all the players from the women's team.

The attention to detail in this thing would make da Vinci blush.

Yeah, I can't wait to work with this Coach Chilton.

Ted, we have some bad news.

No, we have good news.

Coach Chilton resigned this morning.

It's fine. You could always get Coach Beard to fill her spot.

He's under contract with the men's team.

And I think it'd be good to have a woman on staff, you know?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking earlier.

I just want to say it might be for the best that Coach Chilton is leaving.

- Why? - Why?

Well, she...

- She's somewhat... - She's...

Can be a bit...

Who does she remind me of?

It's a bit like...

I don't know.

Just say it.

She's an absolute...

Seaward.

Caroline Seaward.

Head physio for the women's team.

But I'm not just here for the players.

I'm here for you as well.

- Okay. - Whatever problems you might be having

- as a middle-aged man, I got you. - Great.

Including bum stuff.

Complete confidentiality.

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

All right, thank you.

Nice to meet you, Caroline.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you can't talk.

No, I got the key.

All right, I'm bored, last question.

Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy.

For fuck's sake, shut up.

You. Paddington fucking Bear.

I didn't think you'd call on me.

Thank you. Excuse me. My question is...

What the fuck are you doing?

Welcome back.

Thank you.

How's that knee holding up?

Oh, fine.

Why the fuck would something we use so fucking much

be held together by ligaments the size of rubber bands?

I always figured God started up top, you know,

working really hard on the brains and heart and stuff,

but once he got past our privates, he just started phoning it in.

It's good to see you.

You too.

Come on.

Looks like y'all did a little redecorating, huh?

This is recent.

Beard wanted to be alone.

Between you coming back and the whole thing with Jane,

I think he's all fucked in the head.

Yeah.

What about you? How are you doing?

- Great. - You and Keeley?

She said y'all have become really, really good friends.

Her words, not mine.

She said really twice?

Hey, let me ask you something.

What's the buzz with my now former assistant coach,

this Alice Chilton gal?

She quit?

Like the mighty oak tree's foliage on a breezy October day.

Fucking hell, a simple yes would suffice.

- Yeah. - Most people think she's rude as shit.

I think she's hilarious.

But she's good. That's too bad.

So, you want Beard back then?

No, hey, come on. That's between y'all.

It's really good to see you, Coach.

You too, Coach.

Jesus fucking Christ.

You're being very strange.

Hey. I'm Ted Lasso.