It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Wow, look at her.

Seeing the deceased can be difficult and disorienting.

Oh, sure. Yeah, no, absolutely.

But, you know, I was more talking about the head.

Like, uh, great job getting it back on, buddy.

- I mean, that's seamless. - Yeah.

-You're an artist, man. -Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Yes, uh, that was very challenging.

Uh, and must have been very disturbing for you all.

Oh, didn't see it coming at all.

-I didn't love it. -No, it was gross.

-Almost ruined the wedding for us. -Yeah.

- I can imagine. - Yeah.

-Uh, well, I'm so sorry for your loss. -Yeah, well...

- And-And what, may I ask... - Right.

-...are your plans for the remains? -Oh, was that on us?

- A p... A plan. - I don't know.

There's not really much we can do with her.

She's starting to turn, isn't she?

Honestly, if you wanna just cram her into a trash can

or a dumpster, I don't know what you do with them.

Just say have fun with it. Honestly, do whatever you want.

-We don't care, know what I mean? -No preference.

-You wanna toss her in a meat grinder? -Oh, wow.

You could fire her out of a cannon into the Delaware. That'd be fun.

- That sounds fun. - -I'm just having fun.

Whatever floats your boat, you know what I mean?

Really, all we need is the death certificate there.

-So, if you don't mind. -Oh. Uh, yes.

-Ah, yes! -Here you are.

-Okay, there it is. -Boom! Done, dead! Yes!

- We got it! Nice. Thank you. -We did it.

You're welcome.

-Hey, do you mind if I do the sliding? -I'm sorry?

I just always wanted to do, you know, the sliding thing,

where you slide the body in and then you slam the door.

- Oh, uh, sure. - Yeah?

-That'd be great. -Thank you.

-Assuming you want in on this. Come on. -Are you kidding me? Of course.

Let's do it on three, yeah?

-Yeah. Okay. -All right, ready?

-One, two, three. -One, two, three.

Oh. Oh.

- Boom! - Did not disappoint.

Dee, we are about to get rich.

Mom, home sweet home, huh?

Are you happy to be back?

Hey, Frank, the guys are saying no to the 21-gun salute.

Oh, Sam would've wanted to go out with a bang.

Come on, man. We gotta find a middle ground

between my mom's funeral and Sam's, right?

- What's going on, guys? - Who are all these men?

Okay, yeah. So, the guys in the fezzes are Shriners,

and the dudes working on the house, those are mostly Mummers.

There's a couple VFW guys and a few Elks Lodge types I think as well.

- Yeah. Yep. - Why? What are they doing?

-It's for the funeral. -Yeah.

Well, see, my mom was, like, super active in the Philly's men's group scene.

- She was a Mummer hummer. - Stop. Stop.

But why are they all, like, painting and hammering stuff?

Oh, 'cause I'm gonna sell the house to pay for the funeral.

Sell it? No, what are you talking about? We talked about my mom moving back in.

-I know, but the budget's way up. -The budget skyrocketed.

And I need the money to pay for the clowns and to pay for the musicians and...

What kind of a funeral are you talking about throwing?

Felt like I was just very clear about this.

-Hey, Charlie. Where's Uncle Jack? -Charlie!

Yeah, uh... What's going on in here?

He's selling the house to pay for the clowns, Dennis.

-To pay for the clowns. -Well, not just for clowns.

The clowns are a part of the funeral.

I would love for you guys to be a part of the funeral.

-We don't care about any of this. -My God, Charlie.

We already helped you throw a man over a cliff.

Yes. We're not gonna involve ourselves

in any of your macabre nonsense any longer, okay?

Especially not some clown-based funeral.

- Oh, God. Clowns. - "I'm a sad clown."

But they're gonna throw my mom out on the street.

I don't care. No moms, no funerals. I say throw her wherever.

So Uncle Jack for us now.

-All we need is Jack. -Find Uncle Jack.

Okay, I'd like for you guys to relax, okay?

Did he say "relax"?

-He did. -Did he say "relax"?

- Yes. - I...

Here's the thing about telling someone to relax--

Fine, calm down then.

Oh, that...

Just point us in the direction of Uncle Jack, please.

Please, just Uncle... Please, just Uncle... Please tell us where Uncle Jack is.

-That's what we want. -Guys, where's Uncle Jack?

He's in the basement.

Great! There it is. That's all we needed to know.

God, that was... That wasn't that hard.

We're surrounded by poverty, Dee. We're gonna go down to the basement.

Hold your breath though, 'cause you can catch it.

It's like a disease you can catch.

-We've got all the papers here. -We've got all the papers.

We've got my agreement with Sam,

and then you have Dennis's agreement with Sam,

the inheritance agreement and the certificate of death.

Just give him the whole thing.

That's all for you and it's time to transfer the money to us.

Now, is that going to be a wire transfer

or is there like a vault somewhere full of chicken money

that we could dive into and swim around in like Scrooge McDuck.

-Oh, like Scrooge McDuck! -Yes!

-Scrooge McDuck! Yeah... -I've always wanted to pull--

This looks good. You got everything in order here.

You got a thumbprint.

The only thing we need is the marriage certificate.

Uh, what?

-Why do we need a marriage certificate? -No. No, there's no need.

They got married. We saw them get married.

-It was on TV. We all saw it. -Yeah.

Yes, yes, we saw it, but, uh, I need the official marriage certificate,

so I can prove they were actually married. I mean, I have this.

-Oh, then that's it. That's the one. -That's great. Use it.

Okay, uh, but see, this has Frank's signature and thumbprint.

It doesn't have Sam's signature or thumbprint.

I'm sorry.

I-I can't help you guys unless I get a signed copy with a thumbprint.

- No! That can't be. - It's okay, Dee.

- Here you go. - Can I just see the one that...

Oh, j... Oh, you know... Oh, my God.

This is my... Ah, fiddlesticks. You know, I-I-I screwed this up.

-Did you? -I screwed the pooch on this one.

Yeah, I botched it 'cause I brought the wrong paperwork.

-You did? -I have the marriage certificate

that has been signed and thumbprinted by both of them.

-You do? -I have it at my place.

And we're gonna go get it and bring it back

-and all will be well in the world. -Great.

-I got it. I have a plan. -Uh-huh.

All right. Hey, hey, hey,

when you come back, can you bring me a cup of water?

Charlie turned all the water off down here.

- Uh, water. - Is that a yes?

This is gonna work.

Dad always knew exactly what to do in a jam,

and I think once he sees your beautiful face,

he's gonna think of something quick.

Right. Uh, speaking of which,

um, I don't think he's gonna do this for nothing,

so I was hoping maybe we could offer him a conjugal visit for motivation?

No way.

Mommy, listen, we have to start acting like a family again,

otherwise this is not gonna work.

Dad, Dad, hi! Hi, Dad.

Hey, Dad. Dad. Dad. Hi, Dad. Yeah, you have to put the phone to your...

Dad, hi, how are you?

Um, it's been a minute since we've seen each other, um, you know, since the dance.

You know, you... you walked out early on that,

so, um, just wasn't sure if you had to, like, use the bathroom or...

Did you like it?

No.

No. No. But you knew what I was going for, right?

Oh. Express.

Um, we've got a problem.

Um... ...it appears that Charlie's mom died,

which means Mom is now gonna be homeless.

And?

Well, and we were hoping that you could help us out.

You see... ...Dennis doesn't want Mom living with us

and Charlie is gonna sell the house

and then pay for some kind of Mummer's funeral,

and, well, we were thinking that in exchange for helping us out,

that maybe Mom could give you a hand job.

Wait, wait, wait, shut up.

Sorry, if a hand job is not your thing,

I'm sure Mom could do something much more aggressive.

Bonnie is dead?

Well, yeah, that's what I just said, yes.

And the Mummers are throwing a funeral?

Yeah, but that... that's not the issue.

If you've gotten used to a more sexual lifestyle--

-Shut up. -Yeah.

Take your mother to your uncle Donald.

Why? Why would I do that? W-What's going on with Uncle Donald?

-I thought you didn't like him. -I don't.

But we could use him.

This could be good.

Hey, how you doing?

Do you remember us?

Yes, I believe you're the people

who recommended I throw your mother in the trash.

Oh, well, you know, we said a lot of other things too.

Yeah, it was just a suggestion. Yeah, yeah, it was one idea.

Yeah. Um, we... we feel like we need a little bit more time with the body

if that's okay with you.

We really rushed our goodbyes the first time.

Yeah. Got a little excited and sort of forgot the most important part, you know.

Do you mind if we pop back in there?

And slam the door a bunch more times?

- No. I mean, well... - No, no.

-No. -We did that.

-No, we're not gonna do that. -'Cause that door's all wonky now.

-Is it? -Super wonky.

And those doors aren't cheap.