It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Man, something ain’t right. I think I’m getting cold feet.

What do you mean, man? I thought Sam was your soulmate.

You know, I don’t even know where to begin with this thing, honestly.

You know what, why don’t you just tie it in a double knot

and go Colonel Sanders style?

Well, it ain’t that. I’m-I’m crazy about her.

Last night we did it in a pond.

Frogs croaking...

...mud in our toes.

And there was a Starbucks in the... in the distance,

and I made eye contact with the clerk.

He knew what was up.

Maybe we should just get some clip-on ones.

-I’ll take a Sanders. -No, we’re not doing a...

We’re not doing Colonel Sanders bow ties, okay?

That’s-That’s gonna look crazy, okay?

Mac, does your mom have to smoke in here?

Jesus, our tuxes are gonna reek.

You’re the one that banished her to the kitchen

because she’s not one of the groomsmen, dude.

I could have her sit by the window and we could switch if you want,

but she’s already got her ten steps in for the day.

I don’t want her here at all.

Have a heart, dude. She lost her best friend. Right, Mom?

Yo. Hey, sorry I’m late, guys.

I couldn’t get the stupid tie, so I just kinda went KFC with it.

-Yeah, it’s a good look. -Goddamn it.

You going with that? It’s not bad, right?

-What are you holding? -Huh? Oh, it’s my mom.

Yeah, I feel like we never really properly mourned her passing.

So I thought maybe we could do something cool with her ashes at the wedding.

No. No, we acknowledged this already, man.

Remember the other day I was like, "Oh, your mom died."

And I gave you a little pat on the back, and I was like, "Aw."

And then I had a tear in my eye.

-Yeah, well, I saw your onion, dude. -Yeah, well...

You had the onion, kinda rubbed it on your eye, you know...

-I knew what you were doing. -Sure, yeah, there was an onion.

-There was an onion. -But I brought that for you, pal.

-He said he was gonna bring it for you. -But it just cheapens it.

I know, but do you think it’s easy to know when and when not to bring an onion?

Do you have an onion on you right now?

-No, because I didn’t know you were gonna... -I can smell the onion.

-He has the onion. He does, he does. -Well, it’s good to have.

Look, this is my chance to do something spectacular for my mom.

I mean, there’s gonna be news, there’s gonna be cameras, you know.

No, no, but-but... Okay, but cameras being there is precisely why I don’t want you

doing something spectacular with your dead mother’s remains, Charlie.

I mean, come on, man. Plus, this is Frank’s big day.

-Right? Can we just focus on that? -Yeah.

-We should focus on him. -All right, all right. Yeah, yeah.

So no cold feet, you know? No, uh... ...fried chicken bow ties.

And for the love of God, I mean, last thing we need is for this wedding

to come off as some kind of funeral.

Ugh, thank you, ladies, so much for helping me with this.

Mmm. So, the old hag has no friends?

Nope, and I’ll tell you why. She’s a con woman.

Bitch told me she had chicken money, but guess what?

I was thinking that was, like, Perdue or Sanderson Farms.

No, she was talking about rubber chickens. What?

Everybody knows there’s no money in rubber chickens.

She’s planning on bleeding Frank dry, and I’m not gonna have it.

Okay, what does any of this have to do with us?

You guys are gonna help me stop this wedding.

-Done. -Yes!

-That bitch is stealing my sidepiece. -She is. She’s trying.

- Oh. - When’s the stripper get here?

There’s no strippers, Gail.

-Then why are we doing this? -I just explained it.

-I’ll do it for your Vitamix. -What?

There’s no reason I should help you, so I’ll do it for your blender.

-Fine. -I’ll take the colander.

You... What... What happened to you being a-a-a scorned lover?

I still need to strain spaghetti.

Oh, hey, do you have one of those, uh, bottle openers

that’s shaped like a woman’s vag?

What are you... No, of course I don’t. That’s not a thing.

It should be.

I’ll trade you a colander and a non-stick frying pan for the Vitamix.

- Goddamn it. Just-- -Deal.

Put my stuff back, okay? Do not poach my entire kitchen.

Knock that shit off.

There she is! Happy wedding day!

How are you feeling?

Well, it’s funny.

I didn’t sleep too good. I have a bad neck.

Oh, you think we should call off the wedding?

- Just kidding. Get on in here. Come on!

-Come on. -Okay, okay.

- Oh, my God, soups... - Come on.

Soup this...

Who are these women?

These are your bridesmaids.

These are your friends?

Not really.

That dumb bitch. She’s always joking around.

Yeah, these are my friends,

and I thought it would be great for you to get a load of,

you know, the kind of people that you’ll be hanging out with once you marry Frank.

-Oh. -So, let’s not waste any more time.

We gotta get you into that wedding dress, huh?

Get this party started. Okay.

You put my shit back and don’t be bitches.

Okay, now, I like this.

I think we’d get away with that.

What? Those look insane.

Did you guys cut them?

Yeah, it’s like a mini tie, right? Just make it like a little miniature tie.

-You said cut the tie, so we cut-- -I said tie the tie.

-I can’t feel my fingers. -Uh... really?

Yeah.

Whoa. Guys, his hands are cold as ice.

Yeah, I... I think we better call off the wedding.

I always listen to my body.

That’s true, dude. He always listens to his body.

Frank, you have never once listened to your body.

Look, buddy, you’re just cold, okay?

Charlie, get him in a hot shower, warm him up.

Speaking of cutting things, what if I cut his shoes, right?

So his toes are hanging out, gets a little more circulation going.

Maybe I’ll even cut his shirt, like, to here, and then his belly can breathe.

Can we just keep things simple? Yeah? I mean, we’ve all got our roles here.

Let’s keep it simple, you know?

Frank, you’re the, uh, aging groom with one last shot at love, you know?

Charlie, you’re the best man who, uh, plays "Here Comes the Bride"

on the keyboards as we walk down the aisle, you know?

Me walking Frank down the aisle.

Dee walking Sam, you know? Mac’s the gay woke priest who weds them.

What? No. Who... Who’s gay? No one’s gay.

-No. -You’re gay.

-No! Me? I’m not gay. -What?

-What are you talking about? -What is this guy talking about?

My mom is right in the other room, so I just didn’t wanna...

I’m not gay.

Have you not come out to your mom?

And come up with a whole new dance?

I don’t even know if the choreographer is available.

I have to come up with an entirely different repertoire.

No, you don’t. What are you talking about?

- Yeah-- -No. No, no, no, no.

-Just... No... -See? You’ve upset her.

Mo-Mom, uh, what-what you’ve heard is completely untrue.

Mac’s coming. He’s got something to tell you.

No, Mom. Mom.

Mommy, Mommy, whatever you just heard is completely untrue.

What is that?

Oh, we’ve got problems. We’ve got huge problems.

What is that?

I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not my mom’s cigarettes, okay?

I-I must have grabbed the wrong box at Uncle Jack’s.

I don’t know, but she is freaking out, man.

Okay, well, uh, why don’t you just go buy her some more smokes?

No, I can’t... I can’t just go buy her some more smokes.

She smokes a-a discontinued brand from China.

You can’t afford that. Think of the tariffs.

- The tariffs alone! - Okay...

Guys, guys, bad news. His feet are still cold.

You didn’t take him out of the tux?

Sam, these ladies were so sweet. They each got you a gift.

-You’re kidding. -We did?

You sure did. Yeah. You probably just forgot.

Have you and Frank ever had sex in a Dollar Tree bathroom?

Well, we did it in a pond last night.

The one that forms near the Starbucks?

I never did that. Don’t care for standing water.

Well, you’re missing out.

Yeah, I did it in a waterfall once,

but it turned out to be city runoff.

So random.

Yeah, maybe a little too random.

Let’s stay on topic here, okay?

So anyway, the theme of the gifts,

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

Blew deez nuts.

Thank you for that. Okay.

Uh, first gift is from Frank’s niece, Gail,

a woman who we refer to as a snail.

- Ha-ha. Yup-yup. - Interesting.

- Oh, uh, what am I looking at here, Snail? - -Hmm?

Shit if I know.

Yeah. Okay. Of course you know.

It’s something old. It’s an old photo of Frank and Gail.

- Mmm. - That, of course,

is before they started having sexual relations.

-Wh-What? -Oh, yeah.

Frank did a ton of real gross sex stuff

with the daughter of his wife’s sister.

Just hand stuff. Pretty random.

Uh, moving on, this next gift is from The Waitress.

Oh, Waitress. Is that your name?

No, my name is--

Will you shut up and let her open her present? My God.

Well, look at that.

What is this? This looks like it’s a...

Oh. It’s a copy of a court summons for Frank. Okay.

Oh, yeah, I’m suing the shit out of Frank.

-Huh. -Oh, why?

Oh, ’cause he owes me a Cybertruck.

Oh, yes, I do remember that now. I do.

The funny thing here is that that’s one of many legal snafus