Ed

So Kyle Vessey and I, we're at the pond, right?

Oh, no, it's not one of these stories, is it?

No, look, we're at the pond.

We're talking.

We're reminiscing about when I first came back into town, okay?

Ten bucks if you don't make me listen to this.

You want to get smacked?

Now listen, okay?

So it's night.

We're talking, and then all of a sudden, Mike, I swear to God, we almost kiss.

Ten thousand bucks.

Miles, I am telling you, 100% guaranteed, Ed was about to kiss me.

If work hadn't showed up, lips would have touched lips.

There has been a subtle shift in the tectonic plates of the Ed

Stevens-Kowabessy relationship, my friend.

This is large.

This is how the Grand Canyon was formed.

So what are you going to do?

Really?

Any interest?

And now everything has this... I don't know, this import.

What do you mean?

Well, everything means too much.

Perfect example, the prom.

What about the prom?

Well, you know, it's kind of boring to be a chaperone.

Ugh, yes.

So I thought maybe I would ask Ed to come along.

You were going to ask Ed to our high school prom?

Yeah.

No, not like that.

Just to hang out with me.

Us, you know, whatever.

Yes.

Yes.

Really?

I haven't seen Carol since the night it happened.

Since the night what happened?

Since the night you didn't kiss?

As opposed to all the other nights you didn't kiss?

We didn't kiss.

But we almost kissed.

I tell you, there's something very large and unsaid

hanging in the air over Carol Bessy and I right now.

We're circling each other like Venezuelan

flamingos engrossed in a complex mating dance.

Ed?

Yeah?

I don't think I can find interest anymore.

Okay.

And it wasn't just the other night by the pond either.

It's something I've been sensing over the last couple of weeks.

Ed, if you want to start dating Carol, just ask her.

You were a man for God's sake.

I want to start dating Carol.

We finally settled into a nice rhythm as friends.

And I don't want to be the one to screw it up.

I completely understand that.

In case you haven't noticed, there's a drawback to being friends.

It's called no sex.

I'll say drawback to having a ten-month-old living in your house, it turns out.

Yeah, I heard that.

You're supposed to.

It's my version of foreplay.

Very effective.

Yes!

That's it!

Excellent!

This can't be good.

How does that fantastic brain of yours do it?

Never touch me.

What's going on, Phil?

There comes a moment in every man's life when he gets the call.

What does that mean?

It means that there is one thing that each of us was meant to do.

For Ed, of course, it was this whole cockamamie bowling alley lawyer scam.

And what is it for you, Phil?

I'm going to take my life and dip it into gold.

Sink my teeth right through the pungent crust of the moon.

Make myself larger than mountains.

For I, Philip Washington Stubbs, am about to become...

a television celebrity.

Oh, boy.

VH1 is looking for outrageous people to star in a new show they're doing...

where you go around with a hidden camera and do outrageous things.

What's the show called?

Outragiacs!

I would have liked to have been at that meeting.

Yeah, they're looking for someone like the guy from that show, Jackass.

Ding-dong!

Anybody home?

Come on!

Who's a bigger jackass than me?

I'm a huge jackass!

Your middle name is Washington?

Here are the papers you asked for.

Ah, thank you, sir.

Let me see it to believe it.

Oh, man.

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I left Farmer & Sheehan.

I bought a bowling alley.

I'm gonna put a law practice inside.

I figure if you can do it, anybody can do it.

This is Rod Frankel.

He's a buddy of mine from the old law firm back in New York City.

This is Shirley, my legal assistant.

Hello, Shirley.

How do you do?

Yeah.

She's...

Come on.

Come on in.

Pull up the chair.

Thanks, thanks.

So, hi.

What's going on?

Well, I'm here on business.

Thanks.

Business?

When does Farmer & Sheehan have business in Stockivo?

Oh, um, not in Stockivo.

I'm going to the city.

Come on.

Doesn't the name Eric Winkstead mean anything to you?

Eric... Oh, yeah.

Right.

He was the only client I actually liked.

He was the only client you ever met.

That's true.

So, what's happening?

Well, things are good, Ed.

I gotta tell you.

Yeah?

They made me junior partner.

Get out of here.

No kidding.

Callan & Eisenstein, they went to dot coms.

Bucklin just wimped out, moved back to the coast.

And then, suddenly, there's yours truly,

sitting in the corner office on the 36th floor.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

A very different place since when you left.

Junior partner?

Yeah.

Man.

It's a corner office, parking space.

You get two assistants.

And to think, it was just nine months ago you and

I were sharing that little shoebox of an office.

Wow.

Well, truly, that's...

Congratulations, Ryan.

That's amazing.

Thanks.

Junior partner.

You know, I was thinking, it's totally cool that we don't have dates at the prom.

So we're like the rat pack, you know?

Frank, Dino.

Man, those guys never showed up places with dates.

Yeah, a lot of people mistake me for Dean Martin and I'm Peter Lawford.

You're a chilly bishop.

Welcome to Gary's Tuxedos.

I'm Stan.

Where's Gary?

There is no Gary.

We'd like some tuxedos for the prom.

We got all kinds of penguins here.

What are you looking for?

I want the Russell Crowe-worthy Oscars.

Do you have those?

That is not a classic penguin.

Right.

I know.

That's why I want it.

It's hip and cool.

It tells people, I don't have to conform.

Look at me.

I'm my own man.

I got a thin tie.

I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom.

I'm not like you.

You're a very colorful young man.

Could you put me in some spats?

Mrs. Riley.

Can you put Mrs. Riley's food in the refrigerator?

In the refrigerator.

No problem.

Thanks.

He did it to me again, Ed.

No lights.

Humidifier's gone.

Frigidaire's out.

Air conditioning's a distant memory.

Well, I'll call him.

I just made that meatloaf.

It'll be fine in the refrigerator.

Trust me.