Small Town, Big Story

‫- No ‫- "Wendy?"

‫- "What is that?" ‫- "Hey!"

‫Brad? Christ...

‫- Good morning ‫- "Well, it may be there"

‫"but it's not morning here ‫and it's not good"

‫"Are we looking at her ear?"

‫"We have a bit of a problem, Wendy"

‫- "Josh is here" ‫- "Hey, man"

‫- "Hi, you mate" ‫- There they are

‫"I trust the wrap party went well?"

‫Yeah, fun! Lots of it

‫"Looks like we woke you, Wendy"

‫Astrid in Amsterdam? ‫I thought you were on maternity leave

‫- "Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be" ‫- "That's a cute fucking baby"

‫"So, I wanted to jump on as we were ‫concerned about a copyright issue"

‫"regarding I Am Celt ‫that came via our London office"

‫"So, Derek, will catch you up"

‫"Hi, you mate, nice to see you"

‫- Is it? ‫- "Well, it turns out..."

‫"we don't actually own ‫the rights to the book"

‫But, well, I mean, the writer ‫of the show wrote the book

‫- So we... ‫- "Not according to Publishing House"

‫"Book author has a different name"

‫" and we don't have ‫an authorized signatory for our contracts"

‫"So, every day we don't ‫have official signature is a risk"

‫"And obviously, I Am Celt will never make ‫it to the big screen until we get it down"

‫Why am I here? ‫Well, this is my hotel room

‫"So, it goes without saying ‫although I'll say it"

‫"We need the official sign-off ‫from the rights holder ASAP as possible"

‫Yeah, I'll get right on that ‫I'm sure it's just an oversight or something

‫"Maybe ask the author about ‫some of the historical inaccuracies"

‫- "we're seeing in the early cuts" ‫- What?

‫We're the studio ‫that made Tall Napoleon

‫You guys all read the source material ‫Isn't it all in the book?

‫- "No, But..." ‫- "No?"

‫"If I were you I'd have a little ‫tete-a-tete with the screenwriter"

‫"since it was you who did the deal ‫on the book in the first place"

‫- Yeah ‫- "Great to see you, Wendy"

‫- "Hey, Carl" ‫- "Hey, Carl"

‫Carl from catering's here

‫"Okay, well, I better ‫track down that writer"

‫- Absolutely, thanks guys ‫- "Bye"

‫- Why am I in your room? ‫- Was exactly the question I asked

‫as you poured yourself into my bed

‫but alas, you weren't awake ‫long enough to answer it

‫Worry not, Wendy darling ‫nothing happened

‫I've just been sitting here ‫listening to you snore

‫like a pretty little pig

‫I don't think Dairy is your friend

‫Why is the book not registered ‫in your name, Jack?

‫Macchiato?

‫I'm presuming it's a mix-up?

‫Do you know what your lanky friend ‫Napoleon said about history?

‫- Why am I in your room? ‫- No

‫No, he said that history ‫is a set of lies agreed upon

‫Isn't that clever?

‫You assured me that your manuscript ‫underwent standard academic sourcing

‫- And now my colleagues are... ‫- Wendy, Wendy, Wendy

‫I would love to tell you which words ‫are gospel and which are embellishments

‫- Sadly, I just don't know ‫- Well, why don't you know?

‫- You wrote the fucking book! ‫- Well...

‫- And I think you'll find this funny ‫- Please tell me you wrote the book

‫Get the fuck out of your room!

‫Wendy, I'm well acquainted ‫with the actual author, of course

‫Your name is on the fucking cover

‫Wendy! Wendy!

‫Our night may have ended tamely ‫but we shared a cuddle on the dance floor

‫that would have made ‫Beelzebub blush

‫Where the hell is the author, Jack? ‫We need their signature

‫In the beautiful ‫industrial city of Birmingham

‫We could visit...

‫"Get your passports, dipshit"

‫I'll catch you later, so!

‫"Good morning, sir!"

‫Miss! Miss! ‫Brendan's about to showhole

‫Would you put ‫that toga down, Brendan?

‫Right, look, let's summarize

‫Men of Rome ‫What say ye?

‫We Romans hate you Celtic hordes

‫"But what are your specific ‫objections to the Celts?"

‫"Based on a millennium of conflicts?"

‫The Celts are ‫accused on three counts

‫You drink too much

‫You sing too much

‫And you allow women far ‫too much power

‫- You little bastard, you can't say anything ‫- Alright!

‫Alright, calm down ‫before I have to roll over you

‫So, you're telling me that ‫any male Roman citizen

‫could accuse someone of a crime ‫and then prosecute him or her?

‫That's right ‫and all I have to say is...

‫"she's my wife and she cheated on me ‫and she stole my chariot"

‫The power women once had ‫is a fair contrast to today, though

‫"In birth, death, and love"

‫"Women had more sexual ‫freedom in ancient Celtic society"

‫"It was a polygamous ‫and polyandrous culture"

‫"Meaning both men and women ‫could have multiple spouses"

‫"Love gave way to life ‫and death back then"

‫"So, the idea of betrayal ‫was an alien one"

‫"And if you did feel shame..."

‫"at least you wouldn't ‫live long enough to die from it"

‫"It was a good time for men ‫They just need to remember that"

‫Seamie, come quick ‫I think Mammy might be dead

‫"What are you going to do, Doctor?"

‫There's not a whole lot ‫I can't do, Barry

‫When did you last speak to her?

‫Well, I was at a sustainable ‫farming conference in Thurles

‫Monday, and stayed the night

‫She waved me off

‫Before I left, I really started to think ‫that her breath was very faint

‫It was like one of those ‫hairdryers with the wrong plug

‫It was like...

‫Sounds like maybe she hasn't ‫really been breathing then for four days

‫I mean ‫she's holding Sunday's paper

‫Well, when I got home ‫I was worried that...

‫She'd get mad at me for disturbing her ‫for no reason, you know

‫You thought she'd be annoyed ‫at you after she was already dead?

‫She could be testy in the mornings

‫Doctor, is there any protocol?

‫By the power vested in me

‫I now pronounce your mother dead

‫My God! Mammy!

‫- Can I hug her now? ‫- You can, Barry

‫"Dad, you've got ‫your big meeting tomorrow"

‫Are you sure that the Health Board ‫will be cool with you doing this?

‫Yeah, yeah ‫yeah, it's all good

‫They're just ticking boxes and whatnot

‫Sorry for your loss, Barry

‫Cheers, Sonny

‫She was a remarkable woman

‫Incredibly strict

‫Did you have any final words?

‫Let me think

‫We were watching ‫the weather forecast, she loved that

‫The changing seasons

‫And she thought the meteorologist's ‫dress was way too tight

‫Nice, fashionable to the end

‫"A slut for the rain", she said

‫And then Mammy just kind of...

‫Drifted off

‫"You're up early"

‫- It feels like it's been a minute ‫- What?

‫Didn't we do it last...

‫Month?

‫That's a lot more than a minute

‫Seamie, sweetheart ‫it's lovely and all

‫But I just woke up

‫I'm dying for a whizz

‫Can you...

‫Of course

‫Can't compete with a full bladder

‫"So let me get this straight"

‫"You didn't write the book ‫and you're not a historian"

‫No, but have you heard ‫me sing Brown Eyed Girl?

‫This cover gives the impression ‫that it was authored by an academic

‫No lie told ‫the author is a doctor

‫- So he is a doctor ‫- Well, she is a dentist

‫Sorry! The author of the book ‫is a dentist from Birmingham

‫Dr. Fatima Balakrishnan is a master ‫of root canals and the Bronze Age

‫I was wondering why this script ‫got so different from the book

‫I might have missed that

‫- I've had a lot on my mind ‫- Wendy, darling, worry not!

‫I may have sprinkled the odd fantasy ‫to bring the past to life for the viewer

‫but your television program ‫will be much the better for it

‫What are your primary sources?

‫Writers have different sources ‫We're sponges of the soul, you know?

‫From which bath ‫did you squeeze out the stuff...

‫About the Goddess Brigid ‫fucking her son?

‫I believe I heard that theory ‫on a historical podcast

‫A podcast?

‫What is it called?

‫Toilet Break History with Gabbie ‫the Greek and Johnny What-What

‫Professors, are they?

‫Gabbie the Greek ‫and Johnny fucking who-who?

‫Johnny What-What! Have some respect ‫The man used to be deaf

‫Jules, step on it ‫I got to get the fuck out of here

‫There's no place for you here!

‫There's no place for you here!

‫What was even the name ‫of that program used to be on?

‫Where they all living ‫on a spaceship for some reason?

‫- Star Trek? ‫- No

‫- Battlestar Galactica? ‫- No

‫Are we going to get more clues ‫or are we just guessing now?

‫Was one of them a cat? ‫Maybe?

‫- One of the astronauts was a cat? ‫- Yes

‫- Red dwarf ‫- The very one! Good woman, Wendy

‫Why did they bring it back ‫or something, Jack?

‫I've no idea, Julian ‫No, I was trying to recall

‫What it was they called ‫those stars in space

‫that expand far too quickly ‫and implode violently

‫And then diminish into nothing ‫but a lonely rock floating in a vast abyss

‫And now I know

‫Thanks to my good friend ‫and bedfellow here

‫Cause that's it, isn't it?

‫Now, the British Empire

‫A wee red dwarf

‫"Flight ASB267 to Birmingham is ‫now open for boarding at Gate 3A"

‫Jules, can you Google Maps to see ‫how long the journey is on the other end?

‫It shouldn't be longer than 20 minutes ‫depending on traffic

‫You've been to the author's house?

‫Yes! And I lived there