Ted Lasso

-Hey, babe. -Hi, babe.

Morning.

Morning.

Hey.

Hey.

-Bye. -Bye.

Oi! You're not going to your office?

No. I was just gonna go to the café and get a cup of tea first.

Cool.

Can I come?

Yeah, course.

Sweet.

That's right.

Make another useless policy you're gonna backtrack on in a week. Idiots.

Talking to the newspapers again, sweetheart?

Let me know if they ever talk back.

Hello, hello. Hey, Mom.

-Hi, darling. -Got you these. There you go.

Thank you. What's the occasion?

Nothing. You know, just an ordinary day.

Hey.

Look at that.

That's a good one, that.

Hey, Dad.

Nathan.

Would you look at that.

They'll let anyone in the newspapers nowadays, won't they?

They say humility is not thinking less of yourself

but thinking about yourself less.

My little boy wonder.

Yeah, sorry, Mom, but it's Wonder Kid.

Wunderkind, actually, is what I think I said.

But I just… didn't…

-Hey, Doc. -Hi, Ted. Come in.

Yeah, okay. I wanted to thank you again

for helping me out with that little hiccup the other night.

I'm actually feeling better, so I don't know if this is necessary, really.

Make yourself comfortable.

Okay.

Let me sit. I can sit here.

It's noisy.

Yes. You know what? Hey, I'll, you know, go on the couch.

Here we go. How about that?

Hey, who am I?

Don Draper, right?

Yeah. Isn't that a little formal? I don't wanna put my shoes on there.

You know what? I'll lay down, right? Here we go.

I'll just pop my feet up here. Like this, you know?

Like a couple kids on their top bunk on camp--

I don't know what to do with my arm. It feels…

Here. Here we go. This is what we'll do.

We'll go just classic, how you see, like, in New Yorker cartoons.

Right? Know what?

I'll put this under here to help even out my spine.

Then-- Yeah, that feels nice. Okay.

Now, what do I do here? Do I just-- No, that's like…

Like I'm going down a water slide or something like that. Like a luge.

That's a little too "casket-y," isn't it? Okay.

How about-- Here, let's do this.

All right, how's this? This good?

Probably sitting is best.

Sure. That's good. Okay.

All right.

Yeah, there we go. There you are.

Quite intimate here, you know? Close. Close quarters.

It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos,

without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing.

But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing.

So…

Hey, who's this guy? What's his story?

You good, buddy? Yeah? Okay, good.

Very agreeable fella, you know? Just doin' his thing.

-You got tissues over there, huh? -Yes, tissues.

Yeah. What are those for?

Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.

-Not always, but sometimes. -Yep, yep, yep.

Sometimes people just sneeze.

Yeah. Yeah, they do. Well, we both agree with you.

Yeah. Yeah, my hay fever's been pretty good over here.

Must be a low pollen count in the UK, so…

Okay. All right. Well, when do we start?

We've already started.

-We started when you entered in here. -What? Shoot!

Well, I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted a bunch of time already,

with all of the couch shenanigans and noticing your accoutrements.

-It's-- -Ted.

Yeah?

Don't worry.

Yeah. No, of course. I'm not worried at all.

Yeah.

Okay.

What-- I mean, what do you wanna talk about?

Why don't you tell me what happened the other night?

Yeah. I don't wanna do this.

All right, come on! Come here, come here, come here, come here.

All right, fellas.

Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right?

The first one's your home address. Mark my words.

You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7,

which is nuts, 'cause in my day,

all we had to worry about was crank phone calls.

Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu,

which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure.

Y'all should give them a google sometime.

But I digress.

The second thing that you don't want your opponent to know is that you're tired.

Okay, look, I know y'all are exhausted. I get it.

But I don't want you to show it.

I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all…

Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch. Uh-uh. No, thank you.

The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach?

-Game face, baby! -Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin. Right.

-Y'all feel me? -Yes, Coach!

Good. Okay, good. Now, hop up there.

Okay. Offense, y'all gonna stick around here with Coach Nate and Beard.

Defense, you're coming with me and Roy. On the hop.

Move it!

Okay. Right.

Coach Nate, I hope you're not too great to train us now.

Thank you, Dani. Thank you.

Those drills better be lit. You've got a reputation to keep up.

Yes, very funny. Thank you, Jamie.

Lucky us. We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.

Big man.

Very funny, Colin. You a stand-up comic now?

Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.

Right. I need all our best goal scorers on the pitch right now. Go.

Colin, Colin. You can sit this one out, okay?

I am a strong and capable man.

I am a strong and capable man.

That's my mantra.

Cool.

Bro, it's been two days. Still nothing?

-No. -Ouch, man.

Sometimes three dots appear, but then they go away again.

It's over, man. I've messed up.

Don't be negative, amigo. There might be a good reason she hasn't replied.

Yeah, maybe she got hit by a bus.

Or a train?

It's more likely she lost interest in the relationship.

Maybe she went back and saw how lame these texts are.

"My favorite film's Ratatouille."

Hey, listen. Okay.

It doesn't matter. I don't care if she doesn't--

Three dots. Three dots.

That's a kick in the plums.

Next time, man.

Oh, my God. Just answer him. It's been two days.

I don't know what to say.

How about the truth?

"I'd love to meet up,

but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head.

So I'm going to let my insecurities

keep me from possibly finding my one true love."

His favorite film is Ratatouille. That's worrying, right?

Meet him.

Who fucking cares what his favorite movie is?

Also, Ratatouille is a goddamn masterpiece.

Ironically, it's about snobbery and how good art can come from anywhere.

Stop your dithering and go fuck your cartoon rat.

All right. Well, what if we meet up and it all goes wrong?

I mean, everything always goes wrong. All relationships are a nightmare.

My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.

Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.

And you and Roy are just aggravatingly perfect in every way.

Thank you.

I don't know.

It was definitely easier when we didn't work together.

I just feel like we're around each other all the time.

Wherever I go, he's my shadow. My adorably hairy shadow, but--

What's going on? Why are you jazz scatting?

Were you talking about me?

-Yeah, we were talking about you. -No.

-Big whoop. You ready to go? -Yeah.

Answer him.

-Bye. -Bye.

Two, three, four.

-Hello. -Hello.

-You nearly done? -God, no.

To-do list's as long as my arm.

What? This arm?

Maybe.

Oi, that's not helping me.

All right. I'll give you your arm back.

Thank you.

I'll take your neck.

Seriously, I have got a lot of work to do.

So if you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch

and read your book, yeah?

Thank you.

That's not helping me either.

What? I'm doing exactly what you said. I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.

You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so fucking hot.

-Hello, Ted. -What's up, Doc?

I'm surprised you came back.

Yeah, well, I don't quit things.

-How are you, Ted? -I'm swell, as well as fine and dandy.

-How about you, Doc? -I'm well.

Glad to hear it.

So, is this your first time doing therapy?