Scrubs

One thing that hasn't changed in teaching hospitals,

burnout still comes for all the interns.

I'm sorry you incurred a small scar during surgery,

but I'd like to remind you you're alive.

- You're welcome. - Dr. Green. Happy Friday.

- Have you got any plans for the weekend? - I do, but you know who doesn't?

Your patient in 402.

She's very dead. Sign here.

You're a dream.

I have to choose between rectal pain, constipation, and a penis?

I haven't seen the top half of a person in weeks.

It's one of the worst things about this job unless you're Winston.

- He's definitely going into proctology. - Yeah.

Hey, guys, gather round.

Time to pick them all up.

Look, y'all, this job is very hard,

but just remember: "Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations."

Did you get that from a greeting card?

No, Dashana.

I got it from those little lady chocolates

with inspirational messages on the wrapper.

Fire off another gem.

Guys, "be the woman you know is inside of you."

Think about it.

Wow, you have shockingly smooth hands.

Oh, I wish I could say I was born with these,

but it's most likely my moisturizing gloves. You want them?

You know what? Just… You take them. Save me from myself.

You're welcome.

Dude, what in the actual heck? That girl was smoking.

She was speaking to you.

I-I-I didn't even notice. What's wrong with me?

It's the lady candies, bro. They're messing with your testosterone.

They make me feel fierce and independent.

Give me that. Now you listen to me.

I love you, but I can't get any more 3:00 a.m. texts

about how lonely you are.

I'm a you fan and a Bulls fan.

You're both in slumps, and I need one of y'all to win.

Hey, you're shoplifting.

- I am not. - Yes!

Blowing my chance with the girl of my dreams put me in a funk,

but Maintenance Guy and I had a great ritual when no one was around.

- Be strong. - You be strong.

- We got this. - We got this.

Where the hell have you been?

Good morning, Jordan.

Ever since Cox got diagnosed, Jordan has been all over me.

You know you can't keep us waiting.

For God's sake, Jordan's scales almost dried out.

I'll allow that 'cause you're sick.

It's his mom's fault.

She was genetically weak too.

I have Viking blood.

Oh, that must be nice for pillaging and whatnot.

So come on, be useful. How's he doing?

Save your breath. I'm super. We're done.

Ah, Perry, you know very well that I have to get some blood work on you

and check your sed rate and CRP.

- I also need to do a quick physical exam. - Oh.

Do what I do.

When you touch him, picture Jamie, my personal trainer.

It makes it way more tolerable.

Take your clothes off.

And I'd like to see that picture of Jamie.

You okay, Ash?

Uh, I lost a patient.

I'm sorry.

And Amara put me into the zone of friends.

The friend zone.

Asher, my boy, I've been there.

It'll turn around.

Knowing Asher got kicked in his emotional testicles

made me happy I wasn't an intern.

I'm so glad all my old problems are behind me.

Good day, sir.

Janitor?

- Miss me? - In a suit.

It's Janitor by Janitor.

Wow, 30 years.

It's actually only been 17.

Well, then you have aged rather poorly.

Why are you here?

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I'm the Chief of Medicine now. You have no power over me.

Oh, but I do.

See, you're not the only chief around here.

You happen to be looking at the Chief Custodian of the Joint Commission.

You're on the Joint Commission?

So you've heard of us.

I'm gonna inspect the whole place.

I'll be in your office.

I changed the locks.

I changed them back.

Mr. Jensen was at his daughter's rehearsal dinner.

- Aw. - Not finished.

When he puked and passed out.

And I take back my "Aw."

He's gonna be okay, right? The wedding's tomorrow.

Sweet girl, I wouldn't miss that wedding for anything.

My dad missed my wedding because his college swim team had a reunion.

Had to get my most masculine aunt to walk me down the aisle.

I know an ayahuasca shaman who could maybe make a dent in some of that trauma.

Mmm. Yesterday, I heard my shrink mumble, "Jesus," so yeah,

- I should probably try that. - Yeah.

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

That's J.D.'s girl. That's J.D.'s girl.

So, you gonna wingman for your boy?

Hold up. You want me to holler at another woman?

- That sounds like a trap. - It's not a trap.

Look, J.D. is at our house way too much.

It's like a fifth daughter.

You know what? You're absolutely right, baby.

And if you want me to dust off my little player's handbook,

and charm this woman into sleeping with me,

I'ma do that for us.

That is not what I said.

Hey, ma.

I'ma keep it real with you, shorty. You fine.

And I saw you trying to get chocolate at the gift shop and I was like,

"Damn, she got it like that and she like chocolate."

How about you hook a brother up and drop those digits into my Sidekick?

What's good?

You're really gonna come at me with that?

That tired early 2000s, "Hey, ma, shorty this, shorty that" nonsense?

- I… I was just... - Let me guess, you had a lame-ass flattop.

My flattop was awesome.

Bet you can't grow one now.

I lost all my game, baby. It's like my flavor expired.

I know, it's adorable.

It was her. I knew what I had to do, although I am a bit rusty.

Wait, Turk taught me what to say.

Hey, shorty, you fine.

Let me holler at you.

Wait. Is it "holler" or "challah"?

What are you doing?

I'm practicing things to say, so hopefully I can meet a new woman again.

Oh, I think I can speak for all women when I say maybe try dudes.

- Can I help you with something? - Actually, you can.

I don't think Perry respects you as a doctor.

You know, he's refusing any of the blood tests you ordered.

Why? It's just a little prick, and it lasts two minutes.

Aw, is that why Elliot left you?

Goodbye.

Hey, Jordan, long time no see.

I know, and I'm so grateful.

Will you accept the still-mean-and-hot five?

I will.

Look at that.

Hopeless, overwhelmed by death, each one of them with the slouched,

defeated posture of intern burnout.

My money's on TikTok Doc to snap first.

- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? - You're right.

Fairy Potter's about seconds away from dropping out of Hogwarts.

Look, I almost called it when I was an intern.

Dr. Kelso used to leave business cards in my locker

for strip clubs he thought could use a "crying blonde."

So I'm not gonna bet against these kids. I'm going to help them.

Good luck with that.

Look, you guys, I know it's been a really crappy day,

but I want to try and get a dad to his daughter's wedding. Who's in?

Okay, how's this?

You have to help.

Should have been a stripper.

Tried it, not as fun as it sounds.

What is going on?

Do you not respect me as a doctor?

I've been trying to tell you that for 20 years,

and you finally get it.

I am so very proud of you.

What the hell, man?

Why didn't you get those tests?

I'm going to let you in on a little something.

If you tap on the wall back there,

you will find Kelso's secret stash of porn from the '30s.

Have you ever watched a naughty movie set to old-timey piano music?

Nope.

Quit being a pain in the ass and tell me what is going on.

Fine. I think the treatment is working, and I feel okay right now.

If I go ahead and get these tests,

and they tell me something different,

that all goes away.

Listen to me.

I truly believe that going into these things

with a positive headspace makes a complete difference.

You're the one who taught me this,

so you need to turn your whole attitude around

and go get those tests,

and you do respect me as a doctor.

Okay.

Okay to everything I said?

The attitude and the test thing.

If I started to respect you, I'd have to go ahead

and have them drain all the blood out of me because dementia will have set in.

This has been a lovely patient-doctor conference.

Out of my office.

It's actually my office, but we'll save that fight for another time.

Get out!

Oh, boy, it's 2000s guy.

I'm sorry, I know my husband came off a little creepy earlier.