Scrubs

I had finally hit my stride as chief of medicine.

I was bonding with the staff…

Okay, Mr. It's-a-New-Dawn-It's-a-New-Day.

Ooh, big doctor energy.

…nailing it as a teacher…

Remember when I taught you about the oncotic pressure

and third spacing of fluid in liver patients?

- Thank you. - On it.

…and keeping up physician morale.

Ooh.

Handful of cake and it ain't even my birthday.

I was born this way. Never done one squat.

Oh, I know.

Even Turk's rock-hard tush couldn't knock me off my game.

What the…

Good morning, oldie. You can imagine my pleasure and shock

to see you haven't yet turned this place into a Spirit Halloween store.

Kudos on passing the lowest bar possible.

What are you doing here? Is it something with me? I'm incredibly busy.

But okay, I've moved some things around. I'm free now.

Ugh, Perry, is this man bothering you?

No, but he has been for the better part of 25 years.

And if you must know, Park and I have dinner plans.

- Mmm. - But, pumpkin, relax,

we're gonna stop at Zales afterwards

and get you something gorge.

Oh, I love that. What piece of jewelry screams daddy issues?

- I wouldn't know, Park. - Oh, definitely a belly chain.

Well, if you're missing your daddy, then I'm thinking a locket.

Ooh, I would love a locket.

- Off we go. - Mmm.

Oldie.

Don't worry, he's gonna look back. He's gonna look back.

He's gonna look back. Nope. He put his arm on his shoulder.

I gotta hand it to you…

Dude, summon your big doctor energy and glide away.

I was thinking the same thing.

Same here.

Oh, my goodness. Doctor, you're really something.

Turk, come back.

I can't. I'm in my Jamiroquai flow state, baby.

He's so smooth.

Since Dr. Cox was here, I wanted to throw some extra sauce on rounds.

Luckily, I rewatched Independence Day last night.

Mankind.

That word should have extra meaning for us all today.

Nailed it.

Look, guys, you are no longer untrained, untested "newbies."

You have learned so much by now.

Dr. Dorian is right.

There it is. It only took 25 years.

You have so much more knowledge

than you did six months ago when you started with me.

Bet you feel pretty good about that, right?

Right?

Stop smiling. Because you are, in fact, dangerous.

You now know enough to think you know everything.

You're like that ten-year-old at the wheel of a Subaru.

Can your feet reach the pedals? Well, sure.

Should you actually operate the vehicle? Under no conditions.

And just like that ten-year-old, you're all potential killers.

- Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm gonna need you to… - That's right, killers.

Killers screaming "whee-hee" as you blow through the front of a diner,

nearly taking out an innocent family

- splitting up their cheesy fries… - It feels like you're not hearing me.

…and sugary beverages.

He's not an employee. I'm powerless.

- It's okay, Sibby. - I need him to take a listen to me.

Allow me to put Dr. Cox's dark tableau through the John Dorian positivity filter.

You got this, okay? Just be alert and bring your A game.

We have a very challenging day today.

All I wanted was for my interns to shine in front of Dr. Cox today,

but unfortunately, the odds were against us.

You can't hide from the hippocratic rule of thirds.

One-third of very sick patients die no matter what you do,

one-third die because of what you do and one-third get better on their own.

We're going to do everything we can for you.

Tosh, patient's labs came back. She's hyponatremic.

- So start IV sodium replacement. - Got it.

Good. And don't let Dr. Cox being here get in your head.

Oh. I won't. I think he's hilarious.

Whenever he starts ranting, I record him and it, like, always goes viral.

You have a much healthier way of coping with him than I did.

I gave myself bangs, like, five times.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

I wanted Perry to know just how well I was filling his shoes.

So the key to teaching my interns has been my radical approachability.

First of all, there are no dumb questions.

I see. So just dumb statements like that one?

I'm gonna ignore that. Second, I never wear my white coat.

I feel like when I dress like an intern, it says, "I'm just like you guys.

A superhero without a cape."

Well, you're gonna wanna swoop down out of the sky

and help your equal over there

find whatever it is he's looking for in the medical waste bin.

Fleming, I have told you before,

if your Invisalign is in there, it is gone for good.

Now get. Get, get.

Stupid Fleming and his under bite.

Where are all the interns I told to come and say nice things about me?

Dr. Dorian, once again, your brilliant teaching has saved a life.

- Go on. - My patient was cleared for discharge,

but something felt off.

So I ran some blood cultures and he's septic.

If you hadn't reviewed the signs with us this week, I wouldn't have caught it.

And there it was, the facial contortion Dr. Cox made

when he was struggling to choke down a compliment.

…to you, sir.

I could kiss you.

Dr. Dorian, I get that the British thing is a huge turn-on.

It makes him seem both exotic and safe, but you cannot kiss him.

No, it's just a figure of speech. I'm not... I wasn't trying to kiss him.

No… …I wasn't trying to kiss him either,

- but here we are. - May I be excused?

- Yes, please. Go. - Go to your room.

Thanks to the good news with Asher's patient,

the odds were starting to tip in our favor.

And I had to give it to Park, he was on top of it with Blake's patient.

I've been sick for three weeks. I'm burning up. I feel like death.

Can I get some antibiotics?

Here's what antibiotics will do for your viral infection, nothing.

Mmm.

Nice meeting you.

Whoa.

If you're leaving a comment card, his name's Dr. Park.

But he-he is right about the antibiotics.

Fine. But if he's wrong, I'm gonna sue both of you.

Cool.

Chris's infection was caught early

and we expect him to respond well to treatment.

I'm just waiting on one more test.

Thank you so much, Doctor.

You guys can go in.

- Hi, Dad. You better? - Hi, Dad.

I love that little voice you do when you're talking to families.

Well, I'm just doing all that I can for them.

Let's go to the supply closet right now.

Okay, I love supplies.

Here's the results for your sepsis patient.

You're not gonna like this.

The CT shows he has a deep neck abscess. I think he might need surgery.

What's all that whispering about? I knew what I hoped it was.

I was reluctant to say anything until it went through,

but I submitted me and J.D. for The Amazing Race .

Do you think you could cover for him for a month?

Well, only the father of medicine could cover for that man.

- And he's fine too. - Gorgeous.

Thank you.

When are you gonna stop needing his approval?

I don't know, Turk. When are you gonna stop loving Carla?

J.D., that is not an appropriate comparison.

The thing I don't get is, if Cox is just here for dinner,

why is he hanging around the hospital all day?

You think he's getting intel about my work as a chief?

Who cares? Everybody thinks you're doing a great job.

Just keep singing that psych-up song you sing in your office every morning.

Oh, I didn't know you could hear that.

But I don't care, because, baby, I am a firework.

Dr. Reid, I bolused the hypertonic saline solution for Tina.

Wait, you did what?

Oh, my God!

You can't bolus hypertonic saline. You have to calculate the sodium deficit.

Get me a nurse! Tell them to bring DDAVP and D5W!

I didn't know. W-Will she be okay? Or...

I don't know, Dr. Tosh. Move out of the way.

Just get out of the room.

Hey, did you see Danny's chest X-ray?

Let me guess, inconclusive with possible opacity.

Oh, we should give him the antibiotics.

It could be a viral pneumonia with bacterial super infection.

What it is is a radiologist covering their ass.

If they say it's inconclusive, then they're not responsible

in the 0.0001% chance that it is pneumonia.

Yeah, but we're on the hook if it is.

Are you really letting your patient dictate how you treat him?

You have the vibe of a dom top, but you doctor like a sub bottom.

I bartended at a gay bar. So I know what that means.

And if being a sub bottom means not getting sued or worse,

then give it to me, Daddy.

How's my patient?

We have to see how he does after he gets out of recovery.

I don't understand. I-I did everything right.

I caught the infection early, but he still got worse.

Kid, you gotta figure out a way to cope with stress.

You know what? I have a method I use that could help. Follow me.

All right, the rules of the game are simple.

You must jump off the physical therapy trampoline

and then shoot the mannequin's head into the bin. Got it?

- I don't think I can hit that. - Maybe, maybe not.

But when my daughter was in NICU, all I could do was wait

and this saved my life.

Pro tip, elbows in, fingertips on the eyelids.

Let's go.

You can do it.

Even if she lives, she could have neurologic deficit or be in a coma.

Tosh, you can't beat yourself up.

- If I kill someone? - Well, when you put it like that…

Okay, but none of that has happened. Hopefully, she'll be okay.

Moments like this live with interns forever.

When a patient is a victim of a mistake, doctors are the second victim.