Letterkenny

You smelt Gap Dream at the bar the other night

and that got you hard as old sugar.

You sparked the BBQ with the lid still down

and turned your niece's 8th birthday into a scene

from the Hurt Locker.

Your friend's dad called

your sister's pet squirrel a "bush shrimp".

You've come to the conclusion that if she's got three

or more colours in her hair, she's offended by everything.

Your pal chose the urinal directly beside yours

which gotcha thinking about how he always wants to cross

your arms and crack your back.

You wanna give your sweetie the world

but all you can afford is Edmonton.

And really you shoulda known

about your back crackin' pal 'cause like,

one time he wanted to do it when it was just the two of ya.

You'd fuck a catcher's mitt at the moment

is not the answer the dude at the sex shop

was expecting when he asked ya how you were doing.

Yeah say what you want about CIS teens,

they'll build you a great fuckin' chapel.

It's not entirely true to say you got catfished,

but the girl did have a forehead so big,

she could light a dart in the shower.

Your dog ripped a fart so thick,

you could hang an axe in the air after.

You don't have a lady in your life but you do have a pal

who blows on his food to cool it down,

so tomato-tomahto.

Boy you sure catch a lot of heat for your farmer's tan

but have yous never seen a roofer's tan, like, holy fuck.

Your gal wants to start an OnlyFans page,

but even Netflix is losing subs

and she can't compete with Ozark.

Whole world's all if's and but's at the moment.

But if if's and but's were candy and nuts

you'd have nuts where your butts were before.

Youse guys!

What?

Look at this.

- Christ in heaven. - What?

- Look at this. - Sweet Lord Almighty.

- What? - Look at this.

Um...

Wee bit of trouble reading then, eh, bud?

What's it say?!

Collect yourselves.

This could very easily spirals into hysterics,

if we's don't practice stoicisms.

What's it say.

Tell us what chip is the best chip of all time!

And these guys will let you design your own flavour of chip!

We alls knews this was coming.

Well, all the signs were there.

Wait! What are the rules?

Yes.

Oh, wee bit of a hard time readin' then, eh, bud?

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

"Only classic Canadian flavours,

"consisting of two or less ingredients shall be considered.

"Plain, salt & vinegar, BBQ,

sour cream & onion, dill pickle... ketchup."

Better not forget those fuckin' all-dressed chips.

Wayne, all-dressed consists of more than two ingredients.

So nows, we're shaming chips for being too dressed?

I'm used to shaming them for not being dressed enough.

Stewart.

"All-Dressed chips shall be excluded!"

Get outta here!

For obvious reasons, Wayne.

Excluding the chip doesn't stop it from being

the greatest chip of all time, Dary.

Wayne, this is no time for pride. It's bedlam out here.

No one loves chips like small towns.

Not one other tribe, nor person, nor posse.

Yeah. Offices have their water coolers.

And small towns have their chip bowls.

It's a place where friendships are built

and good news is shared.

Those waters runs deeps.

Six generations strong.

The American Revolutionarys Wars was in no smalls parts due

to Great Britain's calling chips crisps.

What do you think our ancestors snacked on

up the underground railroad?

Everybody knows, the War of 1812 was the north versus the south,

but what the people on the front lines knew,

it was crinkle cut versus classic cut.

Manifest destiny wasn't even a thing until Yanks caught wind

of us fuckin' around with exotic flavours up here.

Youse beens awful quiets through all this, Waynes.

I'm so fired up right now,

I've got sweat rollin' down the small of my back

and into my ass crack.

It's emotional.

But someone's gotta stay focused through the fuss.

Someone's gotta lead.

- I nominate Stewart! - I nominate anyone else.

What are we gonna do, Wayne?

Only thing we can do.

Have a fishbowl discussion.

Come on now.

Pretty short shorts for someone that calls himself a man.

You're paying a lot of attention to my shorts

for someone who calls himself straight.

Time to take a good look in the mirror, bud.

That's exactly what I thought.

What is this sorcery, boys.

Look at this hocus-pocus.

New program, boys. We wanna look like porn stars.

We're gonna look like porn stars.

- You already kinda do. - You already kinda do.

Really though, you already kinda do.

- You already kinda do. - What are we even doing here?

Seriously though, youse already kinda do.

Thank you, Glen.

Oh, that was confusing. That was not a compliment.

Because you look like straight male porn stars.

- Pardon? - Well, you know,

like a Shane Diesel, or a Sean Lawless.

Or Johnny Sins?

Jordi el Nino Polla or Juan El Caballo Loco.

- Gizmo Osmond? - Maybe even him.

Wait, I'm sorry, Glen,

but a porn star is a porn star is a porn star.

Not when it comes

to the flawless male physique, it t'ain't.

He's right. Gays hold it down there.

Yeah. We can't argue that.

Like a little Johnny Rapid? A little Buck Richards?

Sure, like a little Pierce Paris, or a little JJ Knight.

A little Max Arion?

A little Liam Cyber?

Yeah, a little Calvin Banks.

Li'l Beaux Banks. Li'l Boomer Banks.

A little Max from Corbin Fisher?

A little Dean from Seancody?

A little Cocky Boys?

Yeah, a little Guys In Sweatpants.

Li'l Helix. Li'l Bel Ami.

Hey, Glen?

Oh, Hockey, I forgot about you.

How do you know so much about gay, male porn stars?

Pourquoi?

It's just that we know why Ron and Dax know so much

about gay, male porn stars.

'Cause we're homos?

Not sure that's PC but you said.

Gay as the day is long.

All new levels of gay.

Straight up the ass.

But for you to know so much about gay porn stars...

Gay... Gay male porn stars.

Yes, for you to know so much about gay, male porn stars,

it would suggest...

Uh, that I've done my research?

Jonesy, I'm not sure if this is your first time

throwing some weights around, but in the fitness community,

we have something called goals.

We also have a little thing called fitspo.

So, what I like to do is I set my goals,

I gather up my fitspo, and then I go about

trying to achieve my goals.

Par example...

This... is my fitspo. Okay?

So, my goal...

is the whole...

aesthetic.

Okay? My goal...

is to look... like this.

Or maybe even a little bit like this.

Or, if I'm lucky I get to and/or look like this.

- Okay, Glen. - We got it, buddy.

So, if everything's clear,

you guys can just skedaddle on out of here

and I can get back to my goal of looking like this!

O-kay.

We'll take it from here, fellas.

How do we feel about Austin Wilde?

Well, he's no Christian Wilde.

No he is not.

Simmer down.

In order to arrive at the conclusion

of what the best chip ever is...

in an effort to be able to design our own chip...

we will now begin a closed fishbowl discussion

on the matter,

and let the chips fall as they may.

Wayne.

You wanna know what, here I go now.

I just want to start by saying thanks to Gail

for acting as today's moderator,

also, for assuming the responsibility

of booking us the Ukrainian Hall for today's event.

Thank you, Gail.

'Kay.

Rules for today's fishbowl discussion are simple.

I'll introduce flavours of chip one by one.

Peer discussion inside the fishbowl will begin.