Night Court

It's just I never realized

how good life could be until they were here.

-Some people say that about grandkids,

but kudos to you for saying it about your breast implants.

-Yeah. Come give my babies a hug.

-Is Abby hanging out with her ex's mom?

-Well, maybe there's a DUI she needs taken care of.

If there's one thing I know,

it's boobs like that are made for getting out of DUIs.

-Hey, guys. That Susan's a real firecracker.

And by that I mean

she's probably very dangerous on the Fourth of July.

-Don't you think it's weird you keep in touch

with your ex-boyfriend's mother?

-Yeah. There are better ways to spend your time.

May I suggest...anything else.

-How is this different from you keeping in touch

with your mother-in-law? -I was married to her daughter.

And I-I'm also afraid to cut her off.

I think if I do, she'll haunt me.

-Your mother-in-law is still around?

If she bites me, will I also live forever?

-You laugh, but she's bitten a lot of nurses.

It's the main way I tell that she's still alive.

You two are missing out.

Cutting people off is one of life's great joys.

The only downside is if you do it too well,

then there's no one to share it with.

-Well, I like Susan. I think she's a lovely person.

-It's a very simple question, Father.

When I go to heaven... do these come with me?

-Well, all dogs go to heaven. Why can't the puppies?

You know, a mustache pageant is a time to come together.

But...not like this.

Case dismissed. And word of advice --

If you're gonna brawl, put your face in a ponytail.

-It's ironic you two are stuck together,

because you have the mustaches of guys who will die alone.

- That smell.

You've been around rich people today.

How could you have known that?

-Well, extreme wealth gives off a distinct scent.

I'm picking up notes of... single-malt scotch and...

...the tears of a butler. -Ah.

Well, if you must know, I was at a family funeral in Greenwich

for my Great-Aunt Muffy.

-Oh. Sorry for your loss.

I never know what to say.

I'm just at a loss for words -- not comparing it to your loss.

A-A person is a bigger loss than word loss.

Oh! Now I can't stop saying "loss."

Get well soon -- uh, to you, of course,

'cause your aunt can't.

-Thank you for that journey, Gurgs.

So, hold on a second.

You went to a Connecticut funeral

for an impossibly old relative with a childlike nickname.

Oh, my God. You don't just come from money.

You come from gin-in-the-morning,

Daddy's back-on-the-roof money.

How did I not know this?

-Because it's not something I'm proud of.

I mean, those people are -- are crazy.

-Uh-huh. And what do the voices tell you you are?

I never really fit in.

I was always left out of the midnight boat rides

that...that often ended in sex and murder

and when things got really dark, a Kennedy.

-That's a synopsis of every show I'm watching on Netflix.

-But then my Aunt Muffy took a shining to me.

And by that I mean she attacked me in a hedge maze with an ax.

But when I didn't rat on her, I became her favorite.

And now, after years of being her human footstool,

I stand to inherit her millions.

Well, I-I wish you the best.

And when you buy your new, fabulous apartment,

please invite me over

so I can slip and sue you for Muffy's millions.

-You okay? You're groaning like Dan looking at a tip jar.

-I'm dating someone a few years younger,

and it's hard to keep up.

There's so many activities --

rope courses, fun runs, kayaking.

It's not like having a girlfriend.

It's like dating a camp.

-Weren't you the one who said that ropes courses

are for finance bros who can't make friends?

-Well, the man who said that never saw Candace in a tube top.

What about you, Judge?

Any weekend plans?

-Well, Jake's mom invited me to a mah-jongg tournament,

so I will also be spending it with a hottie in a tube top.

Okay.

There's no way this is actually how you want to spend your time.

What are you doing with this woman?

Gaining wisdom.

There is a lot to learn from a second-wave feminist

who said there had to be a second wave

because the first wave were all fuglies.

Okay. Fine. Fine.

I've been spending time with her

as a way to stay updated on Jake's life.

Oh!

This is such a bad idea.

Is it?

Or is it a worse idea

to let a great guy like Jake get away over one tiny mistake?

-Jake broke up with you for lying to him.

So now, to win him back, you're lying to his mother?

-Well, yeah, you can make anything sound bad

when you state exactly what I'm doing.

And I legally attest that I am

Julianne Pennsylvania Railroad Walters.

-As executor of your great-aunt's estate,

allow me to read the letter she left for you.

Don't mind us. Just eavesdropping.

By the way, you smell terrific.

Oh.

"Dearest Julianne,

You were always a strange, explosive child

and therefore my favorite." -Oh!

Well, looks like I hit the jackpot --

first genetically and now financially.

-"I watched you blossom into a volatile,

sexually aggressive time bomb who deserves nothing..."

Uh -- Uh... "...but the best."

It goes on like that for 17 pages.

-Oh, does it, really? Give me that.

All right. Let's see here. Uh, "afternoons by the lake."

"Roosevelt was a coward." Wh-- I...

"What it's like to hunt a human."

Oh. Oh. Here. Here, here, here. "Inheritance."

-What did I get? 10 million? 20?

-Oh, oh, oh. It is big.

-Is it a blimp? Is it a Jurassic park?

It's Gloria.

-The cousin they sent away for a lobotomy?

-No. Gloria's a horse. -

A Jurassic horse?!

-After everything I did for that woman.

And I read to her.

I picked kitty litter out of her hair.

I puppeteered her hand when she wanted to wave

at children out the window like some creepy ghoul.

And for that, I get a horse.

-It could be worse. It could be the lobotomy cousin.

Oh, please.

She's in a gorgeous facility with a stunning view.

-That mah-jongg game was intense.

I doubt people in the 1800s called each other "tile slut."

You have to understand.

When the pot gets up to $15, people are going to get hurt.

But they will all cool down by my birthday party.

You're coming, aren't you? -Ah.

Right. Your birthday.

Look, Susan. I-I don't think I should go.

You're great, but if I'm being honest,

I'm mainly just spending time with you to get closer to Jake.

-So? I'm doing the same thing.

Do you think I'm here because you're a fun hang?

No!

You and Jake were the perfect pair!

Kind of like... -Your boobs, Susan. We know.

Do you think there's any chance that Jake feels the same way?

-Oh, Abby. I know he does.

And he'll be at my party, so you have to be there, too.

All I ask is when my son finally mounts you like a Clydesdale...

...promise you'll think of me.

Damn it, Susan.

Now you're the only thing I'm gonna think about.

-You know, all this will talk has me thinking.

If I die, will you take care of my lizards?

Well, you'll be dead.

So as far as you know, they'll get the best of everything.

-Finally sink in that you work here?

I do those screams on the inside now.

-Now you'll never believe who got all of Aunt Muffy's money.

That stupid horse!

-W-Why are you mad? The horse is rich.

You have the horse. Ergo, you're rich.

-Are you worried that the money will change you?

I-I think I speak for all of us

when I say that we'll be fine if you're different.

-Okay. There's only one problem.

I gave the horse away.

-Who did you find to take a horse in less than a day?

And I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.

Thank you, Jules, for allowing me to live the dream

that is urban horse ownership.

Oh. Have a cigar.

I'm a proud horse daddy.

-Floby, does she prefer a trot or a canter?

You know what? I will ask her myself.

-I-I need to get that horse back.

Can you talk to him? He listens to you.

You convinced him not to eat that cheese

he found on the ground.

-I got lucky. He had a huge lunch that day.

-What if I said that there's a finder's fee in it for you?

-I will not put a price on friendship.