Night Court

-Oh, oh, oh, okay. I got one for you.

That couple over there, siblings or dating?

Oh, no, definitely siblings.

The same weird smile, same shark eyes,

hand placed just above the butt

as if tempted, but know that it's forbidden.

Ah.

That's the kind of chemistry you only develop

at the dinner table.

-Uh, excuse me. We were wondering --

We're step-siblings.

But now that our parents are dead,

nothing is forbidden.

-Any chance y'all think they killed their parents?

-They definitely did nothing to save them.

-Which one of these outfits say, "I'm sexy, but not thirsty,

passionate but not desperate,"

and leaves a medium amount to the imagination?

-Neither. That one says, "Runway."

Airport runway.

And the red one screams

"first day in the witness protection program."

Shows what you know.

These are from a high-end boutique

called the Dress Pit.

Guys, be nice.

This is her first date with Jake after the breakup.

If she wants to look like the victim of a '70s slasher film,

she should.

-Eh, as long as I don't look like

the virgin the killer ignores, I'll take it.

-So, your first date after the breakup, huh?

A little bit of awkward conversation,

followed by an all-out hump fest.

-For all I know, Jake wants to take things slow.

So I'm just gonna focus on what I can control --

returning these to the Dress Pit.

Luckily, they're open 24 hours.

Because it doesn't have a door.

-I don't think that Jake wants to take it slow.

That's all I can say.

He's gonna propose. But that's it.

I helped him pick out the ring.

Would you stop grilling me, you vultures?

So, where we going tonight?

If I need to wear a sports bra, you have to tell me.

I told you it's a surprise.

But I'll give you a clue.

It's one of your favorite places.

Oh, well, you should know

I'm not allowed at that pet store anymore.

They figured out I'm never gonna buy a bird.

They call me a "cockatease."

-You think I would take you to a pet store for our big date?

I mean, I wanted to, but then I saw your

picture up by the register.

-So, Jake's proposing? Huh. That was fast.

-Maybe a little fast, but, I mean,

they dated for quite a while.

-No, the way you explained it was fast.

You should take your time with news like that.

But now that I mention it,

it does seem pretty quick to get engaged.

He's a male cheerleader.

She feeds squirrels for fun.

They shouldn't overthink it.

Next up, the People vs...

Sylvia Plath and Batman?

Aw, it's never the real one.

-Those are the names on the defendants' fake IDs.

It's a tale as old as time.

Just a couple of white kids trying to get some White Claws.

Permission to approach.

I'm not representing these children.

They don't even know who Gene Hackman is.

-Well, you could try them as adults.

You know, a week in jail at their age

would have nipped a lot of my problems

right in the bud.

-I can't send them to adult jail.

They'll get picked last for all the gangs.

-Come on, it'll be like summer camp.

Of course they'll try to run away,

but, you know, years from now,

they'll miss it.

I'll handle this.

Kids, we'll call your parents and forget this ever happened

if you just give us your real names.

-Our real names are on our IDs.

-I'm pretty sure you don't live in the state of...

"Balaska,"

at "1,000,000 Fart Lane."

-Babe, wait. She's a judge.

Maybe she can marry us.

What do you mean, marry you?

-That's why we came to New York.

-Yeah. We're here to see the original Olive Garden

and get hitched.

Just like the breadsticks, our love is bottomless.

-Okay, I'm not gonna let two kids

with pocket bread get married.

I think we need a five-minute recess.

Sick! Dodgeball!

It's not that kind of recess.

Some of us have asked.

-These kids are not your problem.

Do not get sucked in.

You have a very big date tonight.

-Don't worry. It won't take long.

I got a talking stick, a feelings chart,

and the two best huggin' arms in New York City.

See you in my chambers!

- You should have chosen adult prison.

-Oh, Carl, it's so sweet you came just to bring me

your homemade espresso.

Mmm.

I'm tasting hot chocolate

and just a hint of melted cannoli?

-It's a recipe from the Old Country.

Ah!

-I wish someone would bring me things.

Last week I gave you my cold,

and you got a day off to finally finish "The Americans,"

so you're welcome.

Pickup for Dan.

Oh, look who it is.

The famous Dan Fielding.

Hey, Julianne, why don't you introduce me to your friend?

-Your "friend"? Julianne, I had no idea

you thought of me that way.

How humiliating for you.

Uh, you'll have to excuse Carl.

He was in the mob, and they call everyone "friend."

And every piece of leather furniture, "Hey, nice."

-Jake, buddy, everything okay there?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

Is this cold feet,

or is this how white men moisturize their hands?

I messed up.

I lost Abby's engagement ring.

-What?! You lost the ring

when I specifically told you not to?!

-Uh, when was the last time you had it?

Okay, um, I know I had it

when I went through the metal detector

because a guy with a forehead tattoo said,

"Is that real?" I said, "I hope so.

I spent my life savings on it."

We both laughed. - That is good.

-And then he gave me a big hug and ran away.

I know what happened.

-You left it at the metal detector.

-No, the guy with the face tattoo obviously stole it!

-Oh, you're good. You're good.

I bet you're good at puzzles.

You want to do a puzzle with me?

-How can I propose with no ring?

Oh, you are right, Jake.

Singing that song is fun.

-Aww, all my friends sitting around a table singing.

And I know I'm not dreaming because I'm fully clothed.

Jake, why are your hands covered in mashed potatoes?

-Uh, for -- -For charity!

-Yeah. -Like the Ice Bucket Challenge.

We're putting our hands in vats to...

Raise awareness for bats.

It's called...Vats for Bats.

-Oh, I love this. Who's doing it next?

Wyatt.

Another bat saved.

-I'm just grabbing some candy to bribe the kids

I locked in my office.

That sounds bad, but they're fine.

They could easily crush me.

I need to find that ring.

Listen, alright, with my brains

and my brains, we'll find it.

Don't worry. -No ring,

but there's a watch in the coleslaw.

-Look, I remember being young and thinking I knew it all.

But the mistakes you make now can follow you forever.

Trust me. You don't want to do this.

-How would you know? Do you even have a boyfriend?

For your information, I might.

Ask me tomorrow.

-I think she's jealous of us, babe.

She's alone, and you have a fiancé with two bikes.

Two bikes?

My mama said that wasn't allowed.

-Look, we've already been told this

by every other old person in our lives.

-We're not gonna talk you out of it

because you are about to live it.

We open on your tiny apartment.

I wonder who that is.

I'm your landlord!

And if you twos don't keep it down in here,

I'll raise your rent!

Huh! You think that's mean?

Wait till you meet your boss.