Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all social

distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

Oh.

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the Taskmaster Academy.

At this educational establishment,

we teach our pupils problem-solving, cunning, and how to endure ridicule.

At the end of the course, four of them will have destroyed

their careers and will never work in television again.

And one lucky winner will have my golden trophy.

And also will have destroyed their career,

and will never work in television again.

It's like life -

cruel and without meaning.

We have an audience watching this in the cinema down the road,

so let's crack on and meet our five contestants.

They are Charlotte Ritchie...

..Jamali Maddix...

..Lee Mack, Mike Wozniak...

..and Sarah Kendall.

And next to me, a man who, like an obedient pup,

responds instantly and affectionately to all my commands.

And, like an obedient pup,

enjoys lapping away at his own mess.

It's little Alex Horne!

Hey, guys. All right, you dirty boy?

Riddle me this. Ooh.

What, am I?

I'm small, and yet I can fly, and you...

Are you a fly?

Quite a bit more.

My first is in flock, but not in pizza.

Are you a fly? My second I've...

The wetter I get, the more I weigh.

I'm a small inse... I'm a fly.

Yeah.

Let's crack on. Prize Task time.

You know it.

And this week, the category is the best drinking vessel.

You know it.

You'll judge the best drinking vessel, Greg, and that person

will start the show with five healthy points.

At the end of the show, the person with the most points

will take home all five drinking vessels and finally be able to have

a few people over for some drinks.

All right, then.

Michael Wozniak.

I made a cup. What?

It was my first try at w-wood w-whittling.

Wood whittling? Wood whittling.

Not all of the wound are healed fully.

The intention was a, sort of, kind of, oriental soup thing.

It ended up somewhere between that and a... love spoon.

There's the love spoon. Wow.

Oh, wow. Erm, the face, as you can clearly see,

is your face.

Erm, the blood has been sanded off.

You should've been wearing a little leather thimble.

I've not got children, as you know.

But if I had a seven-year-old and they brought that back,

I'd probably look to give them support.

I'd probably... And a 40-year-old man?

Are you counting it as a drinking vessel, Greg?

I suppose you can drink out of anything, can't you?

Oh, so they could've brought in anything? Not a sieve.

Eh? Not a sieve. Yeah, you can probably get the meniscus around

the edge of the sieve.

If you're quick, yeah.

Erm, Sarah. Yes. Can you beat that?

I... well, I mean, when you said,

"If I had a seven-year-old who had brought home something like" -

which is really a good springboard into, er, my daughter had done

pottery at school, and it was a cup.

There it is. Wow.

Erm, not...

So remember, the category is the best drinking vessel.

I mean, the thing is, it doesn't fulfil any of the functions

of a cup, but I've just gone for razzle-dazzle here.

Listen. After the last episode, you were right to up the showbiz.

You've really brought Broadway to the show. Thank you.

And Jamali, can you beat either of those?

Yeah, I mean, I just went by the rules of the show, and...

Can I say something?

Your tone suggests this is going to be rubbish.

I don't think it's rubbish, I just brought a plastic cup.

Yup, you just brought a plastic cup.

Yeah! Non-biodegradable, non-recyclable,

just good old-fashioned plastic.

You saw what happened last episode

when Sarah was riding around really slowly, right? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

But she won the last episode.

Ahh. Like, I just decided I want to win now.

I'm sick of trying to be like,

"Oh, I'll bring in a shoe that sings."

I'm not doing that shit no more.

I know what show you're doing, it's that whimsy, and ahh,

it's, "Oh, look, it's a vessel," and all this shit.

I ain't doing it no more, all right?

Plastic cup, non-recyclable, that's what you're getting.

OK, so you're going to play this absolutely down to that?

Just right down the barrel now. OK. I'm done.

If you win the series based on this technique,

it's going to be a hollow crown.

Lee.

Erm, I went for a "money can't buy" bit of razzmatazz.

It's Simon Cowell's mug.

Here it is. Mm. Simon. A mug off his table... Mm.

..of Britain's Got Talent.

And it's unfortunate, cos we keep giving it to the tree surgeon

who's called Simon. Yeah.

I think he thinks it's a nice touch.

And we keep, "Oh, I forgot to say that it's not for him,"

and it's happened two or three times. Just let Simon have it.

I know. How often do you need a tree surgeon?

You know, I mean, annually.

You get them pollarded annually, yeah? Not just me, is it?

Pollarded? Pollarded, yeah.

You're not going to be allowed back up north.

OK, Charlotte. OK.

So, I've got a tankard, basically.

I do believe that it's the best thing you can drink out of. Ooh.

It's my grandad's.

And underneath, it's glass.

I can show you the glass bottom.

Ooh. And what's cool about that is that the reason it had glass bottoms

is because, in the 18th century, the Navy used to drop a king

shilling into people's pints so that when they drank it and picked it up,

they'd be like, "What's this?"

And they'd be conscripted into the Navy - so they designed glass

underneath so people could check their pints to check that they

weren't going to be conscripted to the Navy for, like, years.

Huh. It's a good prize.

Points, then, Greg, please?

Sorry, Jamali.

One point. It's a plastic cup.

Second-worst, you know, at the end of the day,

I have to give you my reaction

as to the mug that I want least in my house. OK. Yeah.

Well, it's Simon Cowell's mug. Two points. Erm...

Just because I'm presuming that in three years,

there's been a dramatic improvement in her talent,

I'll give your daughter three points. Fantastic.

Unbelievably, for one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life,

I'm giving you 4 points.

I think cos I feel sorry for you.

And, er... Thank you.

..the beautiful grandad tankard takes it. Yeah. Comfortably.

I'm so chuffed with that. 5 points.

5 points to Charlotte Ritchie. I have judged!

OK, task proper, please, Alex.

Certainly. Here we go.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike!

Lovely day. It is, isn't it?

Good day. Yeah.

Were you just saying "good day"?

I was trying it out, yeah. Yeah?

Didn't feel great.

"Make that balloon hover untethered for 20 seconds."

"Make that balloon hover untethered for 20 seconds."

What balloon?

"During the hovering,

"the top of the balloon must not be higher than your chin."

"And the bottom of the balloon must not be lower than your waist."

"Also, you must sneer throughout the 20 seconds."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

All right.

First question is... where's this balloon?

I reckon you can almost hear it.

I can almost hear the balloon?

I think if you listen carefully.

Eee... ba, ba, ba, ba, ba... eee!

Right.

How do I get it down?

Right.

Make that balloon...

Oh, it's there!

I genuinely - has that been there the whole time,

or did someone just do that?

That's been a foot away from your head throughout.

That's incredible. It nearly hit you twice.

I can't...

Right.

Well, do I untie it?

It's up to you. Mm.

There are scissors inside. Yeah! That's a good idea.

Right. I want to establish two things.

One, Charlotte Ritchie can't get a balloon off a clothesline.

No, she can't. Two, Lee Mack hasn't got peripheral vision.

He has not. Right, let's crack on.

OK, so they had to make the balloon hover,

and they had to sneer throughout.

The most famous sneer of all time is, of course, Cyril Sneer,

who is a pink aardvark.

We're going to see Charlotte, Ritchie, Lee, and Mack first of all.

Good luck!

Right, so...

Oh, OK.

It's helium. It's helium.