Men with Guns

- Sausage or hot pot? - Hot pot, please.

- Chips or new potatoes? - Erm, chips, please.

What would you like, mate?

Can I have the chocolate crunch with mint custard, please?

Yes, we've got chocolate crunch. But I don't think we've got any mint custard.

Lol, have we got any more mint custard?

If it's not in front of you, I ain't got any back here.

We've still got tons of coffee whip.

- We've got coffee whip. - Coffee whip?

I know.

- Lol, is that mint custard I can smell? - Get out!

- Sorry, sorry. - Out, out, out!

- What you do you want? - Just a little bit of dinner.

- A bit of that mint custard if it's going. - No, we've got none left!

- We've got coffee whip. - What the fuck's coffee whip?

Coffee. Whipped.

Ew, Lol! At least tell me you've got chips today?

- Have we got any chips back there, Lol? - No more chips today.

What? For fuck's sake, Lol. Why do you always run out of chips?

Everyone loves chips. Just make more chips.

Make people happy. Make some more chips. Please, Lol.

Make some more.

Finished?

What we gonna have instead?

A fucking knuckle sandwich if you carry on, Gadget.

- I'll make some you new potatoes. - I don't like new potatoes.

Get out! You'll get what you're fucking given. Now go and wait round the back!

Gone downhill this place.

Here he is.

- How we looking, Gadge? - Not very good, mate.

- What's up? - Well, we've got new potatoes...

...no chips.

And for dessert, we've got coffee whip.

Ooh, coffee whip's nice.

- Are you taking the piss? - No, it's nice.

My mum does it all the time. It's dead nice.

What are you frowning for? It's free.

It's not about the money, is it, Milk?

It's about the nostalgia, isn't it? Like...that's why we come here.

I don't even know what that means.

It means having meals that we used to have when we were happy, when we were kids.

When have you ever ate new potatoes and felt happy?

"Oh, here's a big plate of new potatoes."

"Yeah, cheers, Mum."

Do not worry, Gadge, them good times will come again.

Will they, though? Will they?

There She Goes

Good morning, Manchester!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Downing Street for the last time

after 11 and a half wonderful years.

And we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom

in a very, very much better state

than when we came here 11 and a half years ago.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Hiya, gorgeous boy.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Tina Teaspoon and Mrs Spoon.

And Mr Spoon.

Oh, here he is. Where the fuck have you been?

Oh, yeah, nowhere. You know, just the usual.

FBI Gadget interrogating me about school dinners.

I swear to God, he's smelt a rat.

- Has he smelt a rat? - Yeah.

Go on, what's happened?

Well, it's the...it's the dinners.

It's the portions he's getting. It's what he's getting.

- What's he come away with? - He knows, he knows

that what's in our bag isn't in his bag.

- I'm telling you. - How does he know?

How does he know? He can't possibly bloody know, Milk, if it's in a bag.

He hasn't actually seen in the bag because I've managed to fend him off until now.

- Good lad. - But he can smell it.

I'm telling you, the guy's like a bloodhound whenever it comes to anything deep-fried.

So what's he actually... What's he come away with then?

You see this is the problem, Woods, I actually feel sorry for him.

He came away today with new potatoes and coffee whip.

- Oh, shit. - I mean, I had to pretend I like coffee whip

and I frickin' hate it.

I can't take this pressure any more!

What, you can't take this pressure? It's partly your fault, isn't it? Cos...

- How? - You've just got to be better at what you do!

All right, then, here's a solution. Here's a real good solution.

- I look after the kids tomorrow. - Oh, no.

- And you - yeah, and you go and deal with him. - No.

You can't swap horses halfway through a race, can you?

When's that ever been done?

If you wanna fix this fast, take him out of the queue!

- Right... - That's what needs to happen.

- Take him out the queue. - Listen, what's gonna happen if I pull him out?

He's manipulative when it comes to food. What will he do?

He's gonna go straight to Mr Skipper, that's what he's gonna do.

He's gonna go in that office. He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing.

I don't know what else... What do you want me to tell you?

He's daft as shit when it comes to anything in life except for food.

Food. I know, I know.

No, I shouldn't think so.

Too hard up for a tourist. Took him all his time to find the 40 pence for the pier.

- It's just not bloody right. - What's not bloody right, love?

- Taking food from kids. - I'm not taking it from the kids.

If we didn't eat it, it would just go in the bin. It's from the last sitting.

There's loads of food in the cupboards here.

I don't see the logic in walking two miles for some.

It's not the same, is it? You can't recreate a good school dinner at home.

- It's just not right! - What? Sausage and chips?

- What's wrong with my sausage and chips? - Nothing, it's just... I don't know.

No-one knows, do they? It's just...

school dinners are loads better than normal.

Sausage has seen better days.

It looks grey.

He's only in the village five minutes and you've got him at death's door.

Gossip, Maggie. Gossip.

The spice of life.

Shaun, is now a good time to talk about college?

No. No, it's not.

Never is a good time to talk about college.

You know you've got to do something about that.

I don't wanna go back to college! I've told you this...

- Why not, love'? - ..a million times - cos it's shit.

Everyone's up their own arses. I don't fit in there.

- It's not my cup of tea. I don't wanna go. - You were great in that school play.

Oh, back to this again, are we?

If you would've persisted at that, just think where you'd be now.

Mum, I hated that fucking course. You know I did.

Shaun, it wasn't the course that you hated.

It was getting caught up in-between that young girl's legs.

- I don't know what you were thinking. - How embarrassing!

It's the bloody truth.

- I don't wanna talk about it, Mum. - I know you...

- I don't wanna talk about it. - I know you've been upset about Michelle.

I know you have. I understand that.

- Mum! - But you can't spend your life sat around here.

And you're never gonna meet a young lady, sat around that flat,

- smoking them funny fags with them lot. - Mum!

One, I don't miss Smell. And two, I'm off out tonight as it happens.

- Where are you going? - Off down to town hall.

There's a Madchester thing on.

What's a bloody Madchester thing when it's at home?

It's like a disco. Have you never heard of The Stone Roses or the Happy Mondays or owt?

Yes, I have, actually.

Waste of space. You can't hear a word they're saying.

They look like they need a bloody good wash and a good sleep and a haircut.

Hallelujah

Is it really, really out of the question to ask for half a cigarette or...?

It's finding half a cig to be honest with you, mate.

- Can I have a bit of mix then instead? - Here. Three quarters there.

Spot-on, brother. Thank you. Thank you very much.

S' Hallelujah, hallelujah

What? What is this show?

Is it...? it should be called... "Bummy, bummy, bum box telly".

It's WrestleMania, Kel. It's a sport.

- It's gay. - It's a sport.

- Look at these athletes, playing a sport. - Warriors.

Warriors. There's no warriors in that. It's not even real.

They're warriors. They're trained. Their bodies are trained to fight each other.

So you're telling me, your attention right now

is not going to them vacuum-packed little pants.

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - Why would we be looking at their pants?

Look at his sweat patch. It started from his...his "goochel" area.

- He's working hard, isn't he? - And he's sweating all the way up

to his “bumbershnuck" pack.

These guys are sweating cos they're... These guys are modern-day gladiators, mate.

All that's missing here is lions and a guy doing, doing all that shit.

I bet you're getting a...

- a little titchy-tatchy tuna dicky. - Fuck off!

Pour Some Sugar On Me

- Oh, what the flipping aid is that? - Fuck knows.

- That is unreal, man. - That is literally offending my ears, that is.

That is fucking ear rape.

Where's it gone?

Freeze!

Only joking. We're not the cops.

- Flip and Higgy. - Good to see you.

- Good to see you both. - You look far out, man.

- You're looking well, both of you. Similar. - Thanks.

Cheers. It's not an accident.

- Was that your music, was it? - Absolutely.

- Awful, man. It's hurting. Loud. - Oh, come on.

- What you into? Roses and shit? - Yeah.

- It's gay- - It's gay?

- Yeah. Proper. - And it's a fucking con.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Elizabeth My Dear. Ten seconds long. What you gonna do during that?

You can't cruise very far.

- Not in ten seconds. - Not in ten seconds.

- Nice one. Cheers, lads. - Ten-second cruise.

What the fuck do you want? Why are you here?

It's funny you should say that, Harv.

I'm after some of the er... dopas mopas, por favor?

- The what? - Come on, Harv.

- You know what he means, mate. - No, I don't. I ain't got a clue.

- A bit of Pat Cash. - What?

Some of the old, er...wacktoria backtoria.

Are you assuming I'm some drug dealer or summat like that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not throw words around like that, Harvey.