Ghosts

It's time we finally discuss

our little Christmas dalliance.

: Yeah.

I was... thinking about that, too.

It can never happen again. And it is imperative

that not another soul ever find out.

I mean, it would be...

just humiliating.

Right.

Well, just so you know, I also thought it was a huge mistake.

Maybe even a bigger mistake than you did.

Although...

sitting across from you now,

no one else around, I do find myself thinking

perhaps we could succumb to...

one final act of passion.

Really?

No, not really.

I was joking!

Wasn't turned on at all.

My friend,

that lie would be a lot easier to sell

with some pants on.

That's involuntary! Don't read into it!

Damn you.

Who are all these colorfully dressed middle-aged people?

They're guests. It's a big weekend up here.

The Ulster County Jam Fest.

Celebrating local jams and well-known jam bands.

What's a jam band?

They play long improvisational grooves.

Which are really good if you're on acid.

What if you're not on acid?

No idea.

Babe,

Freddie overhauled the entire booking system.

This guy is a computer whiz.

Aw, I just did some simple back-end coding.

Basically, the website now stops accepting reservations

once we've reached capacity.

Oh, that's so smart!

Yeah. And he installed a security cam

to keep an eye on employees at the front desk.

But you're our only employee.

Yeah. Well, I got to keep myself honest.

This guy!

Security camera?

That's creepy. I don't want to be watched.

Flower, you're invisible.

Oh, yeah. That would've come in handy when I robbed that bank.

Did I ever tell you about that? Yeah.

Freddie, I can't tell you how much we appreciate

all the work you've been doing.

I honestly don't know how we ever got along without you.

Don't compliment the help.

In order to perform at their best,

they must be kept hungry and afraid.

I'm just so happy to be part of the team.

Frankly, I think my girlfriend's getting a little sick of hearing

how much I love this job.

Oh! How long have you guys been dating?

Now you're asking about his personal life?

He'll think you care about him.

That's not the message you want to send.

Uh, we've been together for a couple years now.

We did the whole long-distance thing

until I moved back from the city.

And leave it at that.

No follow-up necessary. And how's that going?

Oh, now you're just purposely trying to antagonize me.

Okay, favorite savory smell.

Easy. French fries.

Oh, man, you're so lucky you've gotten to eat all this stuff.

Yeah. What were French fries like?

Salty, crispy, totally delicious.

Wow. I used to get them every night after bar close.

I'd just take off my heels and walk through the drive-through.

Mm, everyone hated that.

You are so cool.

Stop it.

What's your favorite sweet smell?

Uh...

you smell pretty sweet.

You're bad.

I guess Freddie's done for the day.

Yeah, this is one of the downsides

to being a car ghost,

is that I'm sort of at the mercy of his schedule.

Yes, let's pick this up tomorrow? Yeah.

Seriously? Every time?

Yep. That's ridiculous.

What's going on?

Freddie's complaining that his girlfriend

doesn't refill the Brita when she puts it back in the refrigerator.

Ah. What's a Brita?

It's a pitcher that filters water.

Modernity's obsession with clean drinking water.

What's everybody so afraid of?

I don't know, dysentery?

: Oh. Right.

Yes, the thing that killed me. Sure, sure.

Would you like my advice about the whole Brita situation?

Yeah, I'd love that.

Samantha, a word, if I may?

And I will give it to you in just a minute.

I'm gonna make a snack. I'm suddenly famished.

Ooh, I'll whip something up for ya.

I know you don't want me treating the assistant

with basic human decency, but I just disagree.

Samantha, when it comes to handling household staff,

I know of what I speak.

So you must trust me when I tell you

that nothing good can come from getting enmeshed

in this young man's personal affairs.

Hetty, things have changed since your day.

People want an employer who cares about them.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm forbidding you

from delving deeper into Freddie's personal life.

There! You're forbidden.

Boy, she is bossy.

She can be a taskmaster.

What? Nothing.

All right. Just a quick cheese plate

with crackers, apples and honeycomb.

My God, he was gone for 20 seconds.

Now, what were you thinking about how I should handle

this whole Brita situation?

Well... Bzz.

- I was thinking... - Don't you do it, young lady.

That you shouldn't just ignore it.

If something is bothering you, you should be able

to talk to your partner about it.

That is it.

Your inheritance is going to your cousin.

What are you talking about?

I really don't know!

It's so hard to discipline from beyond the grave.

So, how is it going with landship ghost?

You two spending much time together.

Yeah, give us the scoop, Sass.

Okay, it's not a big deal, but we kind of... kissed.

Not a big deal? That's huge!

Especially for you.

I mean, you marked a tree when a girl said hi to you.

What are you gonna do now, write a rock opera?

Okay, it's totally a big deal.

Oh, she's really cool.

And she has all these great stories

from living life on the road.

I loved my days on the road.

Back when I was on tour.

Ooh, a new city every night.

Made it pretty easy to see different guys,

if you know what I mean.

No. What do you mean?

I'm just saying, they didn't have to know about each other.

The road is freedom.

Do you think Jessica could be

hooking up with different ghosts?

Oops.

I hadn't even thought about that.

Oh, my God. I mean...

yeah, she's parked every night outside Freddie's apartment.

And who knows what could be going on over there and...

Well, one good thing is she has so many opportunities

for sexual fulfillment.

All the responsibility won't just fall to you.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's helping, girl.

Sam, I need some help out here.

That's for the cab, yeah.

Yes, sir. I'll have to call you back. Thank you.

Where's Freddie? I don't know.

Oh, I assumed you were together,

braiding one another's hair. (Door closes)

Sorry I'm late,

didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

He looks like Hamilton after a night at the whorehouse.

Which he frequented.

No songs in the musical about that.

Everything all right? Not really.

I talked to Beth about the Brita thing, like you said to.

She didn't take it very well.

Seems like it's heading in an unfortunate direction for you.

It escalated into this huge fight, and then...

she broke up with me.

Oh, no, Freddie. I'm so sorry.

So he lost the love of his life.

The important thing is his employer cares about him.

I got it.

No! Let me.

Woodstone B and B. How may I help you?

: Reservation for Valentine's Day?

And you sure you want to book that far in advance?

This isn't good.

Because sometimes,

you think your relationship is perfect,

but then your girlfriend dumps you

and takes the Brita...

and now you're alone and now your water tastes weird.

Excuse me.