Extras

Right, Mr Yamaguchi's on his way up now with his lovely wife.

As you know he's thinking of investing in us.

And if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company

since old Gladys the cook burnt down the canteen.

She wasn't a bad cook.

Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?

Oh, be fair, Ray. She wasn't that bad. We all loved her milky puddings.

Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't.

Now, I don't want you and your team mucking things up for me.

You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine, have you?

-Yes. It's here. -Right.

But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise

-the traditional Japanese entertainment. -Why? What's he planning?

-Well... -No time. Here they come.

Mr Yamaguchi. Hello, hello.

-This is Rita and my team. -Hi.

We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine.

Welcome. I hope you like it.

-Lovely. -Well done, Rita.

And now for your delectation, may I present Gobbler and Kimberley

with some traditional Japanese entertainment.

What the... Ooh...

# Ching Chang Chinaman milked a cow

# Ching Chang Chinaman didn't know how

# Ching Chang Chinaman pulled the wrong tit

# Ching Chang Chinaman covered in shit! #

# Oh, I'm all done covered in

# Shit #

What do you think?

Is he having a raugh?

Ooh!

# Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late

# Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate

# Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft

- # And 50 times a day I hear . Are you having a laugh?

# Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose?

# The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows

# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows

# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows

It's bad.

# When the whistle blows #

-It's not bad, is it? -It is.

No, no. Bad suggests that, you know, it's evil or something. You know, it's not...

It's poor, it's rubbish, you know. It's... It's shit.

-It's a shit sitcom. -It's a shit-com.

We've sorted that out. Thanks very much.

-That's the career over. -That's what one of the reviewers said!

Shouldn't really... No, I shouldn't really joke about it. It's not...

What are reviews like?

If I was being kind, I'd say it was a mixed bag.

-Let me have a look. -Really?

Yeah. Let me see them.

-Bar? -Yo!

-Can you bring some of the reviews in? -Why has he got them?

Got to do something with his mornings, hasn't he?

-Found another one. -Oh, have you?

Er, "Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode,

"but when a TV programme makes you want to

"gouge out your own eyes rather than watch one more minute,

"you know it's probably not your cup of tea."

-Ouch. Go on. Pop it in the scrapbook. -No. Don't pop it in the scrapbook.

-Put good ones in the scrapbook. -What... What good ones?

-What, there's no good ones? -Best one was the Telegraph.

-What did they say? -They didn't review it.

See you later, B.

Career's over.

Well, no, despite what they say, the viewing figures were really good, 6.2 million.

Six million people watched it last night and yet none of these liked it?

These people know about comedy, don't they?

They know what they're talking about, but the general public, I mean...

You said if you get your own show, the offers would come flooding in.

You said the phone would never stop ringing.

Have you had any phone calls at all?

-No. -No.

-Oh, no. What am I talking about? Sky called. -And?

They say they can put your dish up Thursday.

-Hello. -What are you doing?

I'm actually flicking through the phone book and I'm pointing my finger on a random page

to see what my name could be if I wanted to change it.

-What have you got? -PB Grout.

-Good. As long as you're filling your days. -CT Punchaganowno.

But I don't look like a Punchaganowno.

-Are you hungry? -Yeah.

-Greasy spoon? -Yeah.

-Where am I meeting you? -Garage in 10 minutes?

Yep. Do you want to hear one more?

-Oh, go on. -TP Bronze...

-Hi. -Hi.

-Are you moving in? -Yeah.

Oh, good. I mean, do you want a hand?

-No. I'm fine. -Phew.

I'm Andy by the way. I live here, obviously.

-I live on the 2nd floor, 21. -Okay.

-I'm Cathy. -Oh, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-Welcome to the building. -Thanks. It's nice to see someone under 40.

I thought I'd moved into an old people's home.

No. There are some oldies in there, some over 40s, but they're quiet.

-Got the old telly there. Watch a lot of telly? -I don't, no.

No? Last night, BBC One?

-No? -No.

Some good stuff on.

-Okay. -Okay.

Well, if you need someone to show you around at all, just come and...

-Thanks. That'd be nice. -Oh, good...

-All right. -Okay.

-See you later. -See you, bye.

-I saw it last night. -And?

Yeah. It was good.

-Are you just saying that? -No.

Too long a pause. If you're gonna lie, lie well.

Bits of it were funny.

-It doesn't count. You laugh at anything. -What?

I found you laughing to yourself once, and I said, "What are you laughing at?"

-And you said, "My toes." -Oh, yeah. Ha!

They are funny, though, the way they waggle.

It's you that's making them waggle.

-Spare any change? -Sorry, mate.

-Okay. Have a nice day. -Cheers.

-And good luck with the show, Andy! -Cheers. How does he know who I am?

Where does he watch the show, through Dixons' window?

You've been in all the magazines.

-Oh, he reads heat, does he? -Everybody reads heat.

Everybody reads heat.

Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless.

Why?

'Cause I don't want people to say Andy Millman hates the poor.

You don't just hate the poor, you hate everyone.

That's why it's so unfair.

Sorry, but I've only got, like, 8p in change, or a 20.

-Just give him the 20. -No. He said change.

-You said change, didn't you? Cheers. -Yeah, whatever.

Your TV show's doing all right, though, is it?

-Yeah, yeah. -Good, good.

Pay well?

Yeah, erm...

Haven't you got anything else? Have you got like a quid?

-You haven't got a ten and five, have you? -I haven't.

-Of course he doesn't. He's homeless. -I know he's homeless. I'm not blind.

Twenty for nothing.

-Is that the most you've ever been given? -One bloke gave me 50 once.

That is mental! That is... He must have been a pervert.

Twenty quid, though.

Considering your average is probably what, 20p or something.

I do come past here quite a lot, so we'll count that as a few goes.

Can't do that every day. Say it's, I don't know, three months of leaving me alone.

-Leaving you alone? -No.

If you're gonna have this attitude, I don't want it.

-No, no. -No, seriously. Take it back. I don't want it.

I'm just saying I couldn't do that...

What will you say to people about this?

I'll probably say, "Don't ask Andy Millman for money

"because he'd only give it to you begrudgingly."

Well, no, say that I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given,

and then I insulted you and you made me take it back.

But mention the 20 in any anecdote slagging me off.

-Oh, just take it. Just take it, it's fine. -Fine.

-Nice aftershave, by the way. -Cheers.

-What is it? -Calvin Klein.

Apparently Vernon Kay uses that.

Okay, cheers.

Why are we walking back this way? This is the way we came.

Now I've got to walk past him again. You...

-See you later. -Yeah.

Oh, walked too fast.

-You did? -Yeah.

Oh! She's moving into my block.

I spoke to her earlier. I think there's a bit of a vibe, right?

I'm gonna go and talk to her.

You come over, okay? Just ask for an autograph...

Yeah, and just say something like, "l think you're the most amazing actor on TV."'

You're already using your new powers for evil.

-You've got to use what you can. -Fair enough.

Hello. Need any help here?

Thank you. A big, strong man's just what I need.

Will I do?

-Yeah! -Excuse me?

-Are you Andy Millman? -Yeah.

Star of the new sitcom When The Whistle Blows?

-Yeah. -Can I get your autograph, please?

No worries.

-Who's it to? -Me.

Yeah, but I don't know your name, do l?

-Maggie. -Maggie.

Can I just say that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television?

Oh! Not amazing!

-But that's what you told me to say. -Shut up.

Okay. How many have you got?

Did he ask you to come over and say that?

-I don't know. -You don't know if he asked you to say it?

No. I don't know.

Are you friends?

-Are we friends? -Yeah.

Unlikely.

-Well, we have met. -Have we?

Oh... Yeah. I didn't... Changed your...

Hello, you all right? I didn't realise. Are you, um... Are you still...

Those aren't going to move themselves.

See you later.

-Andy, am I coming with you? -Yeah.