Extras

Day seven. All the housemates are in the kitchen.

- Shut up! - For God's sake!

- Shut up! - Listen to me!

- Shut up! - You shut up!

- Rita, what are you doing? - Playing the recorder.

- Why? - It's the school's idea.

They say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child.

So I'm learning to play the recorder.

- What's your daughter doing? - Drinking gin,

thinking about her failed marriage.

- Rita, you are a card. - Yeah. The joker.

Aaahhh.

- Oh, it's no good. It's too difficult. - I used to play the recorder at school.

- Let me help you learn. - Oh, thank you, Brains.

Yes, Mr Yamaguchi. No, Mr Yamaguchi.

Can I just say, one more time, I am velly velly solly?

I mean, I'm very, very sorry. Yes, arseholes to you, too.

Ah so. Ah so to you, too. Goodbye.

Rita, just relax.

- Ohh? - But it's so hard.

Oh!

Just take it in your hand...

...and blow.

Don't suck.

Oh, that's good.

What the bloody hell's going on here? Oh.

Oh, sorry, Mr Stokes. I don't know when I'm blowing and when I'm sucking.

Ohh!

She's learning to play the recorder.

- What does it record? - Eh?

- What does it record? - Doesn't record anything.

Well, what's it called a recorder for, then? I don't get it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

- Sometimes, Gobbler. - Raymond!

- Oh, my God. - What is it?

It can't be. It's only my bloody twin sister! Ohh!

- Hello, Raymond. - What are you doing here?

A young girl gets lonely.

Maybe so, but what are you doing here?

- Mr Millman. - What?

Hello there. Sorry to bother you.

I saw you in here. My name's Richard. I'm the manager.

- You've got to help me. - Why?

- Would you mind signing a few of these? - What, now?

They're not moving.

If you sign ten, that's ten we've got more chance of selling.

I thought the public would lap this tat up,

but they're more discerning than I thought.

Even the Jade Goody doll's selling better than this.

Am I minging?

Shilpa Poppadom. Shilpa Fuckawalla.

It's cheap and ugly. I suppose that's the problem.

- Yeah, it is ugly. - Are you having a laugh?

Are you having a laugh?

Who'd have thought that would eventually be irritating?

Thing is, you've got to order these things, like, a year in advance.

- I won't make the same mistake again. - No.

I'll make my money back next Christmas.

- I've ordered 10,000 Scissor Sister dolls. - Well, you're laughing, then, aren't you?

What would you rather do, right?

Never celebrate Christmas, ever, or have Christmas every day?

If it's every day, what do I have to do?

Nothing. You just sit at home, watching the telly, having the day off.

No one works? There's no industry, no government? It's chaos.

- You'd rather never celebrate Christmas? - Yeah, if that was the choice.

You'd be Jewish. They don't celebrate it.

Why would I suddenly be Jewish?

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

- Ready? - Yes.

- Look, it's Greg in a film. - We can't watch telly in the day.

No, wait. I want to see.

No man has the right to kill his brother. It's no excuse to do so in uniform.

It merely adds to the infamy of servitude for the crime of murder.

I love Clive Owen.

Clive. Good name for a film star.

If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business.

And let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver.

- Greg seems good in it. - That was a clip from...

It'll be a bit part.

...and Greg Lindley Jones, the two leads.

He's one of the leads.

- In a terrible film. - I thought the film was brilliant.

- He thought it was brilliant. - Oh, I can hear. What am I?

Clive, you're Byron, but, Greg, you play Shelley.

It's one of the most exciting breakthrough performances I've ever seen.

- Well, thank you very much. - How was it working with Clive Owen?

I hope you don't mind me saying this. He's such a down-to-earth guy. So real.

- We had a good time, didn't we? - We had a great time.

I know a lot of people say it, but we really did get on well.

I can't believe you persuaded me to do these. They're not even selling.

It's so embarrassing! There'll be loads of them lying around in bargain bins. Tat.

They cut the price to shift a few.

But cos they're so cheap to manufacture, we still get 40p a time.

- Cos they're made in sweatshops. - Thank God for child exploitation.

The funny thing is, that's your key demographic, kids.

So even if they're doing a 14-hour day, they're having a whale of a time.

Hope it doesn't distract them. They'll be beaten.

- I don't want to hear this. - They work there cos they like it.

- I don't think they get a choice. - Henri Matisse once said:

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work,

from illuminating the fog that surrounds us. "

- What are you working on today? - Getting dog muck out of his shoe.

Next door's Great Dane. The stench is unbelievable.

I've seen them feeding it boiled eggs. It's mad.

I don't want to be associated with this sort of stuff.

To the public there's no difference between me and that.

- Little fat ugly thing? Pathetic? - No.

I put on... I put on a wig and shout a catchphrase.

- I want to do credible stuff. - We've had offers.

A part in the BBC's jewel in the crown - Doctor Who.

- No. - Uh... Hotel Babylon?

No, I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense.

- I want to do something classy. - Celebrity Big Brother phoned.

You're not listening. Not in a million years.

- What about films? - We did have a call.

- Heard about this Byron film? - Yeah.

They're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good.

It's about what it means to be a man. Honour, integrity.

- They wanted you for an audition. - Right.

- I said no, but I thought that... - You said no?

Well, they were asking for someone who was 36, handsome, dashing, tall...

- Always do the audition! - Look at you. I may as well send Barry!

Call and say you've got the perfect person.

- Who? - Me!

I don't want to waste their time.

Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get... It should be the other way round!

They'll think I don't know what I'm doing.

No one could think that, or that you shouldn't even be in the industry.

- Thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. - Get me the audition.

OK, that's a ten-minute break, everyone. Sandwiches are over here.

Actually, could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please?

Can you hold on?

- Are you Maggie? - Yes.

Andy wants to see you in his dressing room.

- What, now? - Yeah. Chop chop.

- Hello, Mrs Millman. Is Andy in? - It's a face pack. Don't make me laugh.

- What's this for? - For a film role.

- For a film? Are you going for a film? - Yeah. Right. OK.

Help me out. Don't comment.

- Is that a girdle? - No. It just helps firm up the...

- Flab. - Right. Come on, then. Quick.

- Are you serious? Oh, my God. - Yeah. Come on.

- That's not gonna work. Oh, my God. - Jesus Christ! Course it is.

Go on, then. Go.

Don't make me laugh. Don't make me laugh.

Go on, then. Oh. Go on. Go.

- Oh, my God. - Where do your organs go?

Do they get closer together, or am I going to cough up a kidney in the audition?

...sort of natural. - He was. But he wasn't as good as...

- But they're both... - Andy, hi. Take a seat.

- Andrew Millman. - Greg.

- You're looking good. - Been working out, innit?

Sorry, must declare an interest. Me and Andy are very old friends.

We've been climbing the slippery show biz ladder together.

Some of us got a little further than others.

Anyway, I won't be biased.

- Which role are you here for? - Henry Milligan.

Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age 36".

Yeah. I took that as being in mid-to-late 30s.

We'll change it to late 30s.

Hang on. You can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "late 30s".

Shall we do one? Yeah?

- Do you want to stand up? - Yep. Easy.

- All right? - Yeah. All right. Thanks.

Ah, Henry Milligan. Allow me to introduce myself.

Your reputation precedes you, sir.

Sorry. Can we stop there? Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff.

Can we just rewind that and see what happened? Did everyone see that?

Your reputation precedes you, sir.

Look at his belly. Andy, has your diaphragm just collapsed?

Oh, dear. He seems to have scuttled off.

Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

Hi, it's me. Do you fancy some lunch? At the Ivy. I'll pay.

I can tell you all about my brilliant audition.

All right. Give us a call back. Cheers. Bye.

- Andy Millman! - All right, Bunny.

- What you doing? - Waiting.

Waiting? For what?

- Cock. - Yeah. It's never too early for that, is it?

- Don't you know about this area? - I've just moved in.

This area's famous for it. I'm here all the time.

This is known as the "waiting bench".

- Oh, by the way, loving the show. - Cheers.

"Are you having a laugh?"

Keep walking. Keep walking!

- She'll never get anything in the daylight. - Hello, Bunny.

Oh! Hi, George.

- Any action? - No.

I've only got 20 minutes. I'm on my lunch break.

- Lunch break? - Yeah, I'm doing community service.

Are you still doing that?

Not that one. I'm doing another one. I'm picking up litter.

Oh, right. What did you do wrong this time?

- Fly-tipping, believe it or not. - Right.

Yeah. I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer.

She said, "Shall I call the council?"

I said, "No, don't bother. There's a skip at the end of my street. "

So 2:30 in the morning, we're tipping it in there and the fucking police show up.

How did they get involved?

Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and, uh, he called Sting.