Extras

To the dread rattling thunder, have I given fire

and rifted Jove's stout oak with his own bolt.

The strong-based promontory have I made shake.

And by the spurs plucked up the pine and cedar.

Graves at my command have waked their sleepers.

Op'd and let 'em forth by my so potent art.

Here's one. What would you rather be?

Is now the best time to do this?

Right. Would you rather be you,

with your face and your legs and the brain of a chimpanzee...

Brilliant.

...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?

I can't answer that.

It's too inane, even for you. That's the worst one yet.

...and deeper than did ever plummet sound.

I'll drown my book.

And cut!

Good. Very good.

Patrick, happy?

Okay, so we're...

Oh, for...

- All right? - Yeah.

- Now that is acting. - Yeah, I know what acting is, Greg.

Well, you know what watching acting is.

Actually, you can watch me later. I've got a line.

"All's lost. To prayer, to prayer, all's lost."

- That's embarrassing. - You don't know what it means, do you?

- Not the way you did it, no. - But you don't know what it means?

- I don't care what it means so... - You've no idea?

No, because while you were at school swotting up on Shakespeare,

I was out living a real life, shagging birds.

You told me you didn't have sex till you were 22.

- Why are you joining in? - Interesting.

No, it's not.

You said your mum wouldn't let you bring girls home.

- Why are you still joining in? - The plot thickens.

The plot doesn't thicken because I could have been lying to her.

- Calm down! - Lf you were lying,

why did you say that you lost your virginity to a woman that looked like Ronnie Corbett?

And it's good night from me.

- Rubbish. - I've got to go. That's great. Good luck.

I hope you have better luck with the acting than you clearly have had with the ladies.

You don't know anything.

- See you later. - Bye.

I'd love to show him.

Don't worry. You will get off with another woman.

I mean my acting career! I get off with birds all the time.

Sorry.

Why did you tell him about the Ronnie Corbett woman?

I don't know.

Enter.

Oh, hi. I'm probably going to get fired for even being here.

I'm an extra in this, but I'm an actor, really.

And, well, I'm desperate and as I said, I'm really sorry but...

Oh, come on, don't apologise. Sit down.

You're hustling. Acting is a noble profession but it's a tough one.

So how are you getting yourself out there?

Well, I'm just getting my face around in anything I can,

but, you know, I suppose I'm networking, but I've written a script.

You see, writing, you see, that's the key.

- I'm writing myself at the moment. - Right.

You see, as actors, the only choice we have is yes or no.

Whereas if you're writing your own material, you're creating your own opportunities.

Well, this is my thinking, yes.

I'm writing this screenplay

and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.

What's yours about, if you don't mind me asking?

How best to explain it?

- You've seen me in X-Men? - Yes.

The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier,

if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind.

- Yes. - Make people do things and see things.

So I thought, "What if you could do that for real?"

I mean, not in a comic book world but in the real world.

- Oh, right. - So in my film I play a man

- who controls the world with his mind. - Right. That's interesting.

Yes. For instance, I'm walking along and I see this beautiful girl

and I think I'd like to see her naked and so all her clothes fall off.

All her clothes fall off?

Hm. Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again

but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything.

You know, I've seen it all.

- Okay. It's a comedy, is it? - No.

It's about what would happen if these things were possible.

- What's the story, though? What's the... - Well, I do other stuff.

Like, I'm riding my bike in the park and this policewoman says,

"Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass," and I go, "Oh, no?"

And her uniform falls off.

And she goes, "Ah!" and she's trying to cover up but I've seen everything.

Anyway, and I get on my bike, I ride off. On the grass.

So, it's mainly you sort of going around seeing ladies' tits.

Mainly.

And I do other stuff like, I go to the World Cup Final

and it's Germany versus England and I wish that I were playing.

And suddenly I am and I score the winning goal.

They carry me into the dressing room and there's Rooney and Beckham

- and then Posh Spice walks in and... - Her clothes fall off?

- Instantly. - Sure.

- She doesn't know what's happening. - No.

- But I've seen... - Seen everything.

Again.

Good. Is there a narrative at all? Is there like a story in the film or is it just...

- Well, I'm a sort of James Bond figure. - Right.

And I have to go to Iraq to rescue these hostages.

And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women.

And they're naked because their clothes had rotted off.

But I get them into the helicopter and I'm flying the helicopter,

but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything.

You know, one of them is bending over, two of them are kissing.

- They've turned lesbian? - Because they'd been in the camp so long.

It can happen. Well, good luck with that. I've just written a sitcom,

but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know.

- Yes. - In film or TV...

- Is there any nudity in it? - Any...

- Any nudity in it? - Not really.

- Oh. - Well, there could be.

Men or women?

- Either. - Oh.

Well, just women.

- Right. - I'd need to rewrite, but...

in the meantime, if you could give it to anyone in TV or film or...

Yes, definitely. I will make it so.

You've seen Star Trek: The Next Generation?

- I haven't, no. - Your wife won't let you have it on?

- I'm not married. - Oh. Your girlfriend, then?

I have no girlfriend. I live alone.

You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend and you don't watch Star Trek?

No.

Good Lord.

You're probably wondering why I called you in for an unscheduled meeting.

- Got the wrong day? - No, not at all, no. These are exciting times.

I know you've been busy.

I've been busy as well generating a lot of heat about your sitcom script.

- Really? - Yeah.

Took the liberty of sending the script to a production company, Picard Productions.

They sent it to the BBC comedy department, who got in touch, and there's a lot of buzz.

What, the BBC have called you?

Yeah. They just say, "We love the script.

"We'd like to get you in and have a meeting, a chat and brainstorm."

- Brilliant. Who's the production company? - You wouldn't have heard of them.

A little company called Picard Productions set up by Patrick Stewart. I sent it to them...

- You sent it to Patrick Stewart? - "This is dynamite stuff..."

- Recently? - About two months ago.

No, you didn't. I gave it to him on set.

Even if I haven't done anything towards this...

please can I still have my twelve-and-a-half percent?

Please.

- Yeah, why not? - Yeah? Thank you.

I mean, that's sort of the way it's done so...

Have you thought about who could play the main character?

- I'm playing the main character. - Really? Are you sure?

You're a bit of a nobody. I'm not sure they'd cast a nobody in the main role.

Well, we'd insist.

I think the obvious choice is right under your nose. Barry.

Yeah. No offence, Shaun. I'm playing the lead character.

Are you sure 'cause he's really versatile?

- I'm sure he is. - I'm not sure what it is you can do.

Barry can do all sorts. Do your serious.

You do love me, Janine, you do. I know you do.

- Yeah. Do your comical. - Pat, you've trodden on my foot! Get off!

- He's a singer as well. - # Mustang Sally #

- Loud, isn't it? - He did a gig once without a microphone.

There wasn't a microphone there.

He turned up for this gig, there was no PA system, nothing.

- Tell him. - They were going to cancel the gig.

I said, "You're having a laugh! I don't need a microphone.

- "Microphones are for wimps." - He said microphones are for wimps.

I belted it out, just like that, in front of what, 140-odd people.

And they were really spread out because it was a thousand-seater venue.

Lot of empty seats, didn't faze him, just went for it. Go on, do it.

# All you want to do is ride around Sally #

- Sing it with me now! - # Ride, Sally, ride #

- What are you doing? - Just having a little sing-song.

I'm doing the lead in this, okay? I'm playing the lead character.

That's it, I don't want to discuss it.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

I don't know... You've never struck me as a funny bloke.

Sorry?

You always come in here and you're really negative and a bit...

Doesn't that tell you something?

I know what you're saying but I don't get Barry any work and he's happy.

- Not entirely happy. - Calm down, mate.

Giving it all this in front of a client. If you've got an issue, have a meeting with me.

You've been hanging around with him too much, giving it this.

- Hi, hello. - Hi.

- Lain Morris, Head of New Comedy. - I'm Andy. This is my agent.

- Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. - Hello. Nice to meet you. Good.

- Okay, well, take a seat. - Thank you.

Okay, we're just waiting for one more person.

I want you to meet Damon Beesley. He's a producer here,

but he's also a great writer and he's a script editor and I'd like to...

Room for a small one? Cheeky, you started without me. Not for the first time.

What's he been saying? It's all lies.

Lucky for you, I haven't said anything at all.

- Andy, this is Damon. - Hi.

Oh, bloody hell, we're not worthy, we're not worthy.

Je t'aime your script. I wet myself laughing.

At last, some real talent at the BBC.

- Cheers. - He's happy.

Where are we?