Extras

# Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late

# Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate

# Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft

- # And 50 times a day I hear Are you having a laugh?

# Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose?

# The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows

# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows #

- Oh, I don't like the sound of that. - What's up with you?

There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team.

They were practising on Amazon, and it's full of piranha fish, and they capsized.

Says in paper they were in danger of having their cocks eaten.

Why would piranhas go for the cocks first?

It doesn't mean what you think it...

The cox is the little fella who sits at back of boat shouting "stroke".

If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks.

It doesn't mean their... Oh, you don't get it, do you?

- I don't get it. - I know you don't get it.

Why, what would you go for first if you were a piranha?

I'd probably just have a bag of crisps.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

He'd definitely be interested in a film, yeah. Who else is in it?

Fella who played who?

Harry Potter?

I've never heard of him. What?

Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his 40s, do you?

That's... Oh, they've got someone for him? Okay.

And how much would... How much would you be paying him?

You got more money than sense, mate.

No, I'm his agent, yeah.

Do you know, I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon.

What did you say?

Oh, I said, "All right, as long as you're paying."

- What did he say? - Well, he was a bit shocked, to be honest.

- Not surprised. - Yeah, not as shocked as when I told him

I'd only do it if we could take lots of photos to show me mum.

Oh, I've finished.

Knockerty, knock, knock. Hello.

All right? Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very, very funny.

- Yeah. What was your favourite bit? - Um...

- You didn't watch it, did you? - It's not my cup of tea, to be honest.

If I'm being truthful. It's not my thing, I can't get with it.

I'd like to talk some business.

How do you fancy three days with Billie Piper?

- Three days with Billie Piper? - Yeah, good money, you'd be in and out.

- What are you talking about? - Billie Piper, little magical kid with glasses.

- Do you mean Harry Potter? - Yes.

- Who did I say? - Billie Piper.

- I've heard of him. Who's he? - She.

She's an actress. She's in Doctor Who. She was a pop...

- Do you watch television? - Do I watch television?

I have just bought myself a brand-new 52 inch Plasma TV set.

52? That's way too big for your flat.

It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright.

I was wiring it up and David Dickinson came on

and his tan nearly took me eyeballs out. I'm all over the place. I've got headaches.

I've got it in the box now. I'm just watching a little portable.

You don't wanna buy a TV, do you?

- How much did you pay for it? - Three and half grand.

- What would you sell it to me for? - Three and half grand, face value.

Obviously not, I'd just buy a new...

No, you've got to give me a discount. It's secondhand. 1,500 quid.

That's an insult. I would rather smash it up

than give it to you for 1,500 quid. That is pathetic.

- All right, this project, go on. - Well, yeah, big British movie.

Lots of stars. Dame Diana Rigg's in it. All sorts of people.

I know you want to get into movies, so this could be a good in.

Plus, I checked with them straightaway, I said, "Will he still get paid

"even if his performance is crap?" They said yes. So it's a win-win for us.

You didn't ask them that?

Well, because obviously I was worried that if you got the gig

and then they saw the sitcom, they might fire you.

- But they've already seen the show, so... - Oh, they've seen the show?

Because they're in the business and they watch television. They're... Yeah.

- I wonder if they wanna buy a TV. - Don't ask them if they wanna buy a telly.

Right, call them and say yes, I'm interested.

And get Maggie some extra work on it, I don't want to spend three days

with loads of actors I don't know. Nightmare. Call them now.

- Well, I'll call them later. - No, no, call them now.

- Well, I'll call them outside. - Call them in here.

No, you know, I don't want to call them in front of you, and...

- Don't ask them if they want to buy a telly. - Oh, I may as well do it in here, then.

Ridiculous.

So what scene are we starting with?

We're starting with 141. I'll just introduce you to...

Andy, this is Warwick.

- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi. Good to meet you.

This is my fiancée, Claire.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So, do you know your lines? - Well, I've only got two, but...

- Are you sure all this food's definitely free? - Yes. This is my agent.

- Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. - Hi.

This is Warwick.

- Where? - There.

Oh! Midget. Hello.

- Babe, I'm gonna get some coffees. - All right. Okay. Thanks.

- What was your name, sorry? - It's Warwick.

Warwick. Funny little name as well to match.

Sorry, Andy, can I just show you where you're gonna be standing?

- Yes. - It won't take a second.

Don't... Yeah.

- Are those your own clothes? - Uh...

- No. - No?

Where do you get your normal clothes from? I mean, what are they?

Are they children's clothes, or are they toy clothes? How does it work?

Like your shoes, for instance. Would they be like a little toy bear's booties?

You sometimes see a toy monkey or something that has little trainers on,

- would you have a pair of them for yourself? - No.

- No? - There are specialist shops,

- and I do a lot of internet shopping. - Internet.

That makes sense. That's clever, yeah.

Could I fit in your house? Would that... How would it work?

- What have you been talking about? - Talking about the internet and stuff.

- Right. - Yeah, this would be a laugh.

Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house,

and as he goes up to bed, I put my face up against the window,

like Godzilla, freaking him out or whatever,

or reaching in through the window like King Kong trying to...

- What are you doing? - I'm just having a chat with him.

- Why are you still here? - I'm having a...

- We've got to learn our lines. - All right.

- See you later. - Bye.

- Agent? - Idiot.

Wood-elf, why do you cry?

Blow as I might, my flute makes no sound.

Without my music, the birds cannot sing their morning song.

May I take a look?

Certainly, but I don't know what a boy can do.

Especially one dressed so strangely.

Try it now.

Oh, sweet music is born again!

But I am curious. How did you know you'd need such an implement?

Always be prepared.

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, cut there. Thank you. Check the gate.

Can I get a drink of water, please?

- You married? - Yes.

That don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

- This chair free? - Yeah.

- How you doing? - Okay.

Oh, God, have I still got these on? I don't need these.

They're just for the character.

Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I never read.

Right.

Oh!

- Hey? - What?

- Fags. - Yeah.

- You smoke, do you? - Me? Oh, yeah, just a little bit, yeah.

- You? - No.

No, no, no, good girl, good girl, very wise. I've gotta cut down, really.

- I've done it with a girl. - What?

I've done it with a girl. Intercourse-wise.

- So if you're looking for... Daniel?

Here's my mum. Say they're your fags.

- What you doing? - Nothing.

- She's trying to give me fags. - What? No, I'm not!

You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother.

Yeah, and she was trying to have it off with me.

Oh, well, of course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on, you.

- Makes me sick. - What?

These showbiz dwarves who use their powers to get women out of their league.

- Who, Warwick? - No, Paul Daniels.

Here, if she's into short men, you could be in with a chance.

- I'm not short. - Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not. No, no, 5' 8", average height.

Well, average in your day.

- My day? Born in the '60s. - Early '60s.

- Quite early. - 1960?

- No. - 1961?

- That'll be why you didn't grow. - I did grow.

With all the powdered egg and the rationing and everything.

- That was the war. - Yeah, well, whatever.

Do you know what? You've got small man complex.

What's that?

You're bad-tempered, grumpy, you want power and people to respect you.

Oh, like that little famous person. What's his name?

- Begins with an "N". - Napoleon.

Noel Edmonds.

I'm not short. I'm average height and that's...

I can see how it is upsetting for you 'cause there's him...

It's not upsetting.

- He's even smaller than you are... - 'Cause I'm not small.

He is getting all these attractive and beautiful women and...

- We all are. - But you're getting nothing.

Well, no way. I'm getting them.

Well, there was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett.

- And we know why you went for her. - Why?

- Because she could look you in the eye. - It's not a competition.

It's not like she saw us both and went, "Oh, I'll have the short one."

- Is that you or him? - Him!

See? There's the temper.

I'm saying, if she'd met us both at the same time,

we don't know who she'd have chosen.

- Well, I think I know who she'd have chosen. - Who?

Huh? No, I'm not gonna say because it'd sound arrogant.

I don't wanna... But if she was single and she met us both...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Tell me. - Oh, for... Just think.

- I'm thinking. - Your own thoughts. Stay out of mine.

- Really stodgy, innit? - Honestly, I'm sick of this.

Can we go somewhere nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant.