Ghosts

Thank you so much for meeting with us.

Ah, of course. It's my pleasure.

Who is this guy?

It's the tax attorney Samantha

and Jay hired to review

the IRS's case against Jay.

No, this guy, with the earrings.

That's Jay.

Now, just to get things straight, Mr. Arondekar,

you are a chef who decided to also pursue a career

as a financial analyst.

Yep. Yep, that's right.

And instead of pursuing this additional career as yourself,

you chose to illegally earn income but not pay taxes

under the assumed identity of "Michael Jackson."

Yeah, that was a weird choice on my part.

Have I said sorry enough to Jay?

Husbands.

First they leave the toilet seat up.

Then they commit tax fraud under an assumed identity.

-(chuckles) -Right.

Now, it's unlikely that the IRS will refer this case to the DOJ,

which means no prison time.

Yes. Okay, we-we like no prison time.

As long as you pay the back taxes, penalties, and fines

in a timely manner.

So you need to remit $220,000 to the IRS

-by the end of the month. Damn, Trev.

That's some Capone-level tax evasion.

I'm impressed.

We don't have

anywhere close to that much.

What about offloading some of your personal assets?

Have you considered selling your property?

Sell my estate?!

Oh, I'll give him a piece of my mind

if he ever happens by on St. Patrick's Day!

We are not selling Woodstone.

Well, then you better come up with another way

to make a lot of money very fast

or you're in big trouble.

I hate to keep beating a dead horse...

I'm not selling feet pics on the Internet!

Okay.

So, Sam,

heard you're in financial ruin.

Probably karma biting you

in the patootie for junking our old beloved water heater.

That's right.

I was over it for a minute.

But two weeks without the gurgle

has me peeved.

Nancy, what were they supposed to do?

They didn't have any hot water.

Well, I never had any hot water

and I turned out just fine.

-(chuckles) You died

of cholera.

Very likely tied to the fact

that you didn't have access to running water.

Oh, whatever.

More gotcha journalism from the upstairs elite.

I'm out of here!

How are we elite?

I mean, I did have a Members Only jacket.

Well, Jay, the good news is,

just about everything we put up for sale online sold.

You got $45 for the Boba Fett.

All I ask is that, before you ship it,

I get a chance to say goodbye.

At what moment in history did it become acceptable

for adult men to have toys?

I'm genuinely curious.

What's going on here?

Oh, Samantha and Jay

are selling whatever measly possessions they can

in a futile attempt

to repay the government.

The Woodstones--

once we owned factories,

and now we peddle space toys.

Huh.

I got a missed call from Brett.

The Brettinator?

You're still in touch with Trevor's old boss?

Yeah, he thought the whole Michael Jackson

double life thing was baller.

And he's a sneakerhead,

so I reached out to him

about buying my collection.

Shoes.

Selling our shoes.

I'm gonna try him back.

Whassup...?

Hey, Brett. I saw that you called, which I assume means

-you were interested in those sneakers? -Uh, no.

I actually found that very weird and sad that you sent me that.

I did not like that.

-Oh, okay. -But, look, I get it.

You tried to double-dip,

you paid the price.

The good news is, you need cash

and I have an opportunity for you.

Now, it's not exactly...

legal, but I can't imagine

that's too much of a deal-breaker

for a bad boy like yourself.

: He has a way for us to get some money,

but it's not exactly legal.

Oh, no.

He's gonna ask to use Jay like a sushi tray.

Hmm. I doubt it.

But if it would save my house,

I say take off those clothes

and fill that belly button with soy sauce.

Wh-What exactly

does he have in mind?

Hello?

Are you there? What do you say?

Yeah. I'm listening.

Okay.

Right... here.

This is where they want it?

-That's what Sam texted me. -But why

do they want a chair just all by itself

-in the middle of this creepy basement? -I don't know.

They said it's supposed to be some sort of a Zen space.

Yeah, I guess it's sort of peaceful.

What's all this?

Well, as you know, Sam and Jay

have been frantically selling all of their possessions.

But they were unable to find a buyer for this recliner.

So we said, "Why not give it to the basement ghosts?"

We know nothing will replace your old water heater

and its beloved intermittent gurgle,

but maybe in the meantime,

this chair will provide some small measure of comfort.

Oh, boy. They may not know

-what a chair is. Um... -Oh. Eh.

Uh, y-you guys know about the concept of sitting, right?

We know what chairs are.

Yeah. A guy in my village had one.

We're just not really chair type of people.

Well,

why not just give it a shot, you know?

Maybe you'll like it.

I suppose it couldn't hurt to try it just this once.

Oh.

So, how is it?

It's the greatest pleasure I've ever known.

-(gasping) -(breathing heavily)

Better than that one time when you ate a berry?

Better than the berry.

All right, well, let me just talk it over with Sam

and I'll get back to you. : Okay.

Thanks, Brett... inator.

Well?

Okay, so, basically, Brett is a regular

in an underground high-stakes poker game.

Underground? I wonder if Patience is in it.

I know about this game.

Brett used to always invite me,

but I could never go because of obvious

"can't leave the property" reasons.

So what does he want from you?

He wants us to host the game.

The last venue got busted

and they're looking to move it somewhere with less heat.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Well, he did say we'd get a sizable hosting fee,

like ten grand.

Jay, that won't even make a dent in what we owe.

You're thinking too small, Sam. The real money

is what you're gonna win at that poker game.

They are not good

at card games.

Lest we forget the Go Fish paper cut incident.

Do I need to spell this out for y'all?

You got ghosts.

We can help you cheat.

Now, Trevor, this game has some high rollers, right?

Oh, yeah.

Loaded with whales.

-(inhales) -Not that kind of whale.

-Thank you. With us ghosts telling you

what cards everyone has,

-you literally can't lose. Oh.

-I don't know. That seems unethical. -Hmm?

The ghosts are saying we could use them to cheat at poker.

Really?

But where will the players sit?

In giant tanks of water?

How do they hold the cards in their flippers?

-Mm, she's back to the wrong kind of whale. Okay,

on the one hand, it does sound dangerous.

But then, on the other hand, if we don't get the cash

to pay for the fines and the back taxes,

I could go to jail,

which also sounds dangerous.

So what are you saying?