Taskmaster

Yow!

I just need to read that again.

Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

Got a job that needs doing?

Worried you'll never find anyone to do it?

Perhaps it feels too degrading?

Maybe it's a job that doesn't really need doing at all.

Well, good news.

I happen to know five people who will do anything for a handful of rice

and the chance to win a trophy that I can tell you from personal experience

does not peak interest on eBay.

Who are these super-subservient savants? I'll tell you.

They're Charlotte Ritchie!

APPLAUSE

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me, a man who is single-handedly keeping

the plastic slip-on shoe industry alive -

it's little Alex Horne.

Yeah. Proud of that.

No shame.

Absolutely weird.

They're even more practical than Velcro.

Don't know why you wouldn't wear them. I'm feeling nostalgic.

Are you? I was thinking about old holidays and I've brought a couple of photos.

Are we at the stage where I can show you holiday photos? Yeah? Yeah.

Just a few favourite from my 20s.

That's me at the Champs-Elysees.

That is actually you. At the Champs-Elysees.

At the Champs... Took a picture of a couple of gendarmes.

Sometimes they wear, uh, roller skates in France. Yeah.

That's me in, uh, Scotland on Iona,

on a little, uh, stony promontory.

Yeah, it is. Yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

And that is genuinely it for this section.

He brought some old photos in to show me.

And I was tipped off just before,

so I've, um,

got one of my family photos to show Alex.

So, that's nice.

So now we can get on with the game.

Now that we've shared family photos,

we can get on with the game.

LAUGHTER

Let's get on with the prize task.

Of course.

The category this week is The Most Annoying Thing.

AIR HORN BLASTS

For example.

Greg will award five points to the person who's brought in the most annoying thing,

and at the end of the show the overall winner will take home five really annoying things

and probably feel quite annoyed about winning.

All right, then. Mm.

Sarah. Mm.

Annoy me. OK.

Uh, so I brought in, uh, what I found out is called a stud finder.

That's what it looks like. Little machine.

You drag it across a wall,

and it should go beep-beep-beep -

means you've got something to drill into.

A beeeep-beeeep means electrics,

so don't drill into it.

Ahh. Right? And... OK.

..every time I run it across any surface, it would give me

a different result.

Every single time - a different result.

I am annoyed by your description of it

and I'm annoyed by the object.

People do find these things annoying.

Nearly all the reviews are things like,

"Absolute rubbish. May as well call it a wall detector.

"Will beep for anything, even after recalibration..."

Will beep for anything? Yeah. Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Lee? Can you beat old beepy?

Yes. Um...

LAUGHTER

I, uh, work on, uh, a television programme,

BBC One, called Not Going Out.

And I asked for a prop where I have to be attacked

by my fictional wife

by the common weapon of the yard of Twix.

A yard of Twix - and we've got it here. The yard of Twix.

And I got home and I said to the kids,

"Good news. I've got a yard of Twix."

The kids went crazy. "Oh, my gosh, this is amazing!"

They opened it up, but there wasn't a yard of Twix in there.

There was a piece of wood. Have you got the piece of wood?

Uh-huh. That's what was inside.

Oh. A solid piece of wood.

So, I'm very annoyed

because my kids are now crying,

they're screaming, they're going crazy.

That's pretty annoying, right? That is annoying.

Do you know why a Twix is called Twix?

Uh, no, I don't. But I'll guess.

Two wonderful...individual...

Hm! You've got it so far.

"It's chocolate..."

No, it's twin...twin biscuits. Oh. Twin biscuits, Twix.

What was that last one again?

"It's chocolate. It's chocolate."

Um, Charlotte, what did you bring in?

For me, the alarm clock is the most annoying item that there is that exists.

So Charlotte has brought in these alarm clocks. Yes.

I hate them all. They're the most annoying thing.

We can hear the noises if you want. This is how they sound together.

Oh, now we're talking. This might make them...

BEEPING AND RINGING

ALARMS STOP

It's...It's... It's just the fact that I'm being woken up.

So you're bringing in the concept of being woken up? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, the concept of sort of time endlessly going on

and having to continually wake up.

LAUGHTER

OK. Happy with that, Greg? Yeah, sort of.

Um, Jamali... What have you brought in?

Uh, kids' face paint.

Red, white and blue today. This is what he's brought in.

I'm fully on board with you about this,

but I just want to clarify what your reasons are for disliking face paint.

Is it you don't like having your face painted?

Or you don't like children... All of it.

..drawing attention to themselves? All of it.

I've got two nieces who I'm fond of, but when they come up

and go, "I'm a tiger, and I've had my face painted..."

Yeah, it's jarring. I couldn't give a shit. It's never done...

I couldn't give a shit. They never actually look like the thing, really.

I have got a little cousin. He's like, "Oh, look, yeah, I'm a lion," and he was blue.

And it really pissed me off. It'd annoy me. Yeah. A blue lion?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael? Uh, I brought in a symbolic nipple.

Here is the symbolic nipple.

Uh, this is because I've got an oral fixation.

Pop psychology-wise would suggest that this began

with the nipple.

Unless I'm very, very, very, heavily distracted, uh,

I either have something in my mouth

or I'm thinking about what I could put in my mouth,

be it food, drink, nicotine gum, pens...

Are you thinking of something right now to put in your mouth? I am, yeah.

What do you want to put in your mouth now? I want to put in something minty.

LAUGHTER

If I put my... If I walk past you with my thumb like this,

you'd be on it? I'd be on it. OK.

Like a rat up a kilt.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that quaint old Scottish saying!

LAUGHTER

OK. Judgment time. In terms of objects... Yes.

..it's party time for Charlotte, because she's not in last place.

Whoo. Cos I didn't find Lee's, um, Twix plank

in the slightest bit annoying.

One point to Lee.

The alarm clocks - you've got to get up,

you can't be suspended in time, you're a busy actress.

Pull yourself together. Two points.

Thanks. Doubled her normal tariff. Well done, Charlotte.

Um, I, uh, found Mike's nipple charming.

Three points is as best you'll get from me.

Here we go, then.

Sarah, you double-layered it - you were annoying, it's annoying.

Four points.

So, because of a shared dislike

of children being free to express themselves,

Jamali takes five sweet points.

Well done, Jamali. Appreciate that.

APPLAUSE

Right. On with the first task proper, please, Alex.

Right you are.

And this one might just take the wind out of someone's sails.

Ooh.

Have a seat. Welcome on board.

Thank you, Alex.

Hello.

"Fart.

"Fartest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Not a lot going on at the moment.

Have you tried yet?

At the moment there's no...

..no gas in the tank. So to speak.

Is there any way of putting gas in the tank?

Well, I wonder. There was a guy at primary school...

I think he used to have various brewing positions he used to swear by.

A lot of them involve sort of... sort of, kind of...

..sort of positioning yourself like this, and so on.

Cos maybe there wasn't gas in the...

See if I can encourage it to go the other way.

Try and massage the inner...

..the inner Mike.

I didn't know you could do this.

Neither did I.

I'm going to leave you to it for the moment.

You carry on. Yeah. We're now in a different season.

RAIN POURS

LAUGHTER