Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance

with all social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Boo. Yow. I just need to read that again. Oh.

Well, hello, I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome one and all to the Taskmaster grand final.

APPLAUSE

What a journey our five mighty warriors have been on.

And, as we rush towards the moment where one of our fearless five

raise aloft my golden bonce, I thought it'd be nice for us

to listen back to the series highlights so far.

OK, so what's the situation?

Aw, guys, guys, guys, this is sugar, it's not salt.

They put like chemicals in the tap water.

Who does? Government.

And after that incredible soundscape,

it's hard to believe they have any more glory left in them.

Let's ask them to dig deep one more time.

Please welcome Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak

and Sarah Kendall.

And next to me, a man whose birth certificate I keep

under lock and key because I don't want to destroy his family

by exposing the awful truth.

Here he is, my biological son, little Alex Horne!

Daddy!

Technically possible.

Technically true.

It's the final, Greg.

Yeah, I know.

Hence I'm wearing my special outfit. Oh, here we go.

Highlighting my best bodily feature which is, of course,

my wonderful back.

OK. You know I've got a lovely hairy back.

And I'm wearing a backless suit today. Are you? I am.

And I'm going to show it off at the end of the episode.

Oh, you're not even going to shows them now?

I'm luring the viewer to stay put with the programme.

Right, what's the final prize task then, Alex?

Well, I'll tell you about it if you just calm down a flipping second.

It's the thing that makes you look the toughest,

like a nose ring or a nose stud or a nose bag.

You will judge whose thing makes them look the toughest.

They'll get five solid points and at the end of the episode,

the person who's done the best points-wise will win all five tough

things and swiftly replace Ross Kemp as the go-to hard person of telly.

I liked that bit. Thank you.

Yeah. Well, this will be a challenge, uh, for you,

Charlotte, won't it? Um, it's simple, it's tough,

it's a leather cap. Simple, tough, leather cap.

All right. Whoa.

Ooh. Oh, backwards, too. Yeah. That's pretty tough.

It's pretty tough.

Um, caps are tough, leather's even tougher.

It's, it's a leather.

Caps are tough. Caps tough. I feel good about this one.

Do you? Yeah, I can tell by the way you're reacting,

it's going to go well. Oh, I wish we had it here so I could put it

on your head. I know, it's a shame. And show how not hard you look.

Oh, I would. Oh, all right.

What have you brought, Lee?

I have brought the toughest thing in the world.

I have brought a coat hanger.

OK. Whoa. So, uh... Oh, dear, oh, dear.

When I was at university, uh, my old mate got mugged.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

He didn't come out of the house for about a week and he thought,

"Well, I can't carry on living like this, this is ridiculous."

So he then decided he wasn't going to leave the house

unless he had one of them bent and put on his head.

And his theory was nobody mugs a man with a coat hanger on this head.

Why? Well, you just think that's a bit odd,

I'll stay well clear with a man with a coat hanger on his head.

Well, that's a surprisingly tough-looking object,

so I'm surprised you talked me around a treat. Well done.

Thank you.

Sarah, can you beat a coat hanger? Doubt it.

About ten years ago, I was watching the film, uh, The Road

and I was pregnant, and I suddenly thought, what am I going to do

if I have a baby and, and there's like some sort of apocalypse

or zombies or all the food and water runs out and it's just chaos.

What am I going to do?

And I went down to, uh, a camping shop

and assembled what I now call my apocalypse backpack.

Well, this is the apocalypse backpack.

Oh... Yeah, but just wait... Just wait a second!

Wait, would you please?

If I saw you wearing that in a dark alley, I'd be, ooh!

It's not a dark alley, it's a zombie apocalypse, mate.

Is that skipping rope?

Yeah. So if there's a fight outside a nightclub, you'd go,

"Right, everybody calm down." Yeah... Yeah.

I just can't wait for you to just think,

she'd be a pretty safe person. She's going to be hard as nuts.

You'd be a lovely person to go on a walk in the country with,

that's what you'd be. Jamali?

Listen, let's not mess about, I've got a bat with a nail in it.

Right, now we're talking. Here it is.

Oh, a bat with a nail in it? Now we're talking. Bat with a nail in it.

Right, thank you. There you go.

No messing around. Tick. I'm not, I'm not playing no games. Tick.

It's tough, isn't it? Cos if someone had a bat, you go./..

But if he has a nail in it, you go, he's dedicated to hit someone with it. Yeah.

If you came into a room with that,

I would absolutely shit myself and I would go looking for Sarah.

There we go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you imagine Charlotte wearing her leather cap backwards holding that? No.

Oh. Be tough, though.

I mean, you'd be tougher than picnic girl.

Don't worry. Who's picnic girl? I think you're picnic girl.

I'm picnic girl? You're picnic girl.

Aw, geez.

Well done. That's the first time I've ever drilled a nail into a bat,

and someone said well done. Yeah. I appreciate that.

All right, Mike? Regretting that yet?

Little bit. Yeah.

My toughest thing has a... It's tried and tested.

So if I'm, if I'm scared and, you know, I've run out of milk

and I need to go out and get my night-time milk.

Yeah. But I can see that there's some street toughs

by the newsagents, you know, wearing leather caps and, you know.

Some street toughs.

Then, if that happens, then, then I'd do this.

Ooh. Ooh, wow.

Wow.

Ooh.

Wow, that's amazing.

Wow.

Then it's Mr Tough Guy time.

Tick tock, it's tough guy o'clock.

And the bishop's hat may be going someplace a bishop's hat

should never go.

That's incredible, isn't it? I'm so jealous.

I had brought in a punk rock hairdo wig.

Here it is. Wow. Um... Wow. Which, uh, the winner is welcome to.

I'm genuinely speechless. Right.

Here we go. You ready? Yes. So in last place? One point, picnic girl.

Ooh, hello, Sarah.

One point?

Two points, and I do think this is a bit cruel, but I have to go

by the full description, which was to make you look hard and not

absolutely loopy, I'm going to give two points to Lee's coat hanger.

Three points, because it's the hardest she'll ever look,

to, uh, lovely Charlotte.

Four points, uh, I thought you had it in the bag but, come on.

That's fair. I mean, the guy's a lunatic. That's fair.

There you go, four points to Jamali. Thanks, mate.

Five points to this absolute nutter. Well done, Mike Wozniak.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get this final under way.

Right you are, and we're starting with my favourite thing to do

at the weekend, it's office-based admin artwork in the garage.

Hi, Jamali. How you doing, Alex?

Welcome to my office.

More like a garage, but, yeah.

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, nice. Nice, that. Nice touch. Ooh.

Make the best picture of a big scary dinosaur using this photocopier.

What's that?

We thought you could...

Ooh. Shit! Right in my, right in my.... Oh, my God. No.

It's OK, luckily it wasn't my eye, it was my top lip.

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry, Alex.

I think partly my fault.

You may not leave the garage.

You have 15 minutes, your time starts now.

I'll just investigate what's available.

Am I can, uh, avail myself with, uh?

Yeah, it's just paper. Just paper. That's just paper in there,

isn't it? Yeah. Um...

That's a piano. That's just a piano. That's it. There you go.

Yeah. OK, I'm sorry, I didn't see that.

That's all right. Sorry. I'm really sorry, Alex.

It's like a near-death experience.

I'm, I'm, I'm going to re-evaluate my life.

Before we start, Greg, you need to say at home, you shouldn't

photocopy your own face at home, do it in the office,

and also you shouldn't fire a staplegun to people's mouths or eyes.

You shouldn't.

You should've brought that for the prize task.

Let's go.

OK, the first guys we're going to see have really owned

their facial hair this series.

It's Mike and Jamali.

One of the few jobs I had, my aunt used to make me photocopy shit.

Now I'm just seeing...

Oh, no.

Oh, I know what I've done there.

Oh, I've done a right booboo. Ooh, no.

There, I think this next phase is likely to be a failure.

I was actually at my grandad's house yesterday and he told me,

when am I going to get a real job?

And I'm like, I'm filming a TV show for Channel 4.

But I understand what he meant now.

Sort of get on with it time, isn't it, really?

What would you call your big, scary dinosaur?

What type of dinosaur is it?