Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

My name's Greg Davies.

I am your judge and you are in clown court.

I shall review crimes against entertainment

that five comedians carried out over many months,

and pass judgment.

As the Samoan hip-hop crew Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E.

once so wisely said,

"Deathrow, my bro, had to go, life was too slow."

For the winner, a pardon

and a life of television freedom with my beautiful golden trophy.

For the losers, well,

I guess it's back to teaching or whatever.

Let's meet our comedy convicts.

The usual suspects are

Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack... Thank you.

..Mike Wozniak,

and Sarah Kendall.

And to my left, a man whose wife once told me

she keeps a pocket full of treats to reward him

when he remembers to do toilet outside.

It's little Alex Horne.

Yep.

Hi, guys.

I think you'll be pleased with me today. I doubt it.

I've prepared something for you. I've invented a new snack... Yeah.

..which I think you'll like.

It's called a...

..Brown Bar.

Look at that. Oh. It's got all your favourite things.

Do you want me to break it open? You can see the layers. Yeah. OK.

Ooh! So it's a layer of chocolate,

then it's biscuit,

there's a massive slab of butter,

salami and ganache.

Salami? Salami and ganache. OK.

Would you like to try some? No, I wouldn't actually.

But I'd like you to. I'll taste it for you. Yeah.

Don't you want to eat the bit with a lot in it though?

Cos right now, you're just eating the outer shell of chocolate.

Sorry, Jamali, just so you know,

he's gonna eat it all. Oh, OK.

OK. That's backfired, hasn't it?

I won't start the show until you've eaten all of that.

The deal was I was gonna try a little bit. Yes. Yes.

Pop it all back, otherwise I won't start the show.

Oh, good boy.

So gross. He's popping it. It's so buttery. Yeah.

In a good way? No.

There you go. Ah, good boy. Yay!

APPLAUSE

Let's have the prize task, shall we, salami boy?

What are we waiting for? Oh...

Oh, God, it is sickening, isn't it? Oh, no.

OK, I'm all good.

And this week's category is the best thing

you can operate with your hand.

Ooh. Greg will listen, have a think,

and then judge who's done best,

in his firm, subtle and muscular way.

Five large points will go to the person

that brought in the best thing that you can operate with your hand

and then at the end of the episode,

the person with the most points will take home five things

they can operate manually and try very hard to avoid an RSI.

OK, Lee, what's the best thing you've brought in

that you can operate with your hand?

Well, I'm sat on it because I figured there isn't...

There's no way to explain it, you have to demonstrate it. Ooh.

The good, old-fashioned Swanee whistle.

I've got a picture of it, but we can see it in your hand.

Oh, yeah, very similar to the one I've got in my hand.

And it's just guaranteed to make every awkward situation

more light-hearted.

So, Alex, if we were talking...

Could you just stand up, please?

And then if you could drop something on the floor.

And now you bend down and I would get this out.

You'd pick it up and I'd go...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And then... No, no, stay down. Stay down.

And then pick it up.

ASCENDING WHISTLE

It's guaranteed. I've done it in rows.

I've used it in rows when my wife was talking to me.

"You should be picking this up, not me." She'll bend down...

DESCENDING WHISTLE

And it makes every situation better.

You know what, Lee? It's far more entertaining than I imagined.

Well done.

Charlotte, can you beat Lee's, um...

No. ..whistle?

The thing that I think is best is my drill. Oh.

Yeah, shall we move on?

No, go on.

Here's her drill.

You can screw things in, you can unscrew things,

you can drill things in, you can...

..drill other things in.

You can't just bring household items in. I genuinely thought...

And say, "This is the thing I like, a drill."

It's an absolute outrage.

It is a good thing that you can operate with your hand. Mm.

I agree. I think that's a great thing.

OK, well, if that's you all think,

I'll give Charlotte five points, shall I? It's absolutely...

Yes. Absolutely. Five points.

Perhaps some people in here have learnt a lesson. Who's next?

Jamali. I handmade from repurposed materials,

like CD players and stuff,

I made a tattoo gun.

There it is. Oh, wow! Wow. Wow.

So I made that myself. So that's like wired to the battery.

I repurposed a pen,

I used a toothbrush as the bar.

I can confirm it's a fully working tattoo gun. It does... Have you?

Yeah, yeah, I've done it on myself.

What did you do? You've tattooed yourself?

Yeah, it's on my thigh, I can't pull down my trousers but... What is it?

You could. He's got his Swanee whistle.

We have to say, we can't endorse this or encourage people

to make tattoo guns because it's dangerous.

I'm genuinely impressed.

You should've just used Charlotte's method and just brought in a spoon.

Mike.

I've brought a thumb,

which has got universal uses for...

..buttons, switches.

Here is Mike's thumb.

Additional thumb. It's not an additional thumb, is it?

If you've already got a thumb, you can put it on top of your thumb.

If you don't, you can put it there instead of your thumb.

But it's a thumb sheath really, isn't it?

Well, it's a thumb. It's a... You know, sure.

One man's thumb sheath is another person's thumb.

Aristotle said that. I think so.

Outside of popping it over an existing thumb... Yeah.

..can you tell me what you'd use it for?

Buying some braces. Right.

If you've got a Swanee whistler as a mate going about,

you could be in your braces, you'd do this.

DESCENDING WHISTLE But you've already two thumbs to do that.

OK. Famously, of course, it's used for magic illusions

and if I was to win today I will get on stage

and I will demonstrate it. Oh, thank you, Lee.

Entertainment. Honest to God, I want to give that man all your points.

I wouldn't contest that.

One left, Greg. Sarah.

Phew!

Uh, so I, um...

..always wanted to learn the bass

and I started playing the bass in August.

Is it sore when you're doing the old...?

Slapping the bass? Yeah. Yes, it get incredibly painful.

I used to find that, yeah, as well. Oh, really? Yeah.

What did you find was the best?

Well, I've got something I'll show you later.

Thanks, Mike. I'd appreciate that.

So she has submitted her genuine bass guitar.

It looks like this. Oh, nice.

Thanks. Do you ever whip it out, over your shoulder,

and then say out loud,

"Let's take this dog for a walk?"

I think I'm going to now. You need to. Yeah.

Points then, Greg, please.

I'm sorry, even though I rashly said

I was gonna give her five points, I'm not. Ah.

You can't swan in here with a drill and go, "That'll do."

No. One point, Charlotte.

Now, two points go to Sarah's bass.

Ooh! Didn't see that coming.

Three points, unbelievably, for Mike's thumb.

For a little, tiny bit of plastic, he gets three points. Yeah.

But I didn't realise there's so many uses. OK.

Now, we're up to the real money points here.

It's Jamali or Lee.

I'm gonna give it to ingenuity. Five points.

Four points to...

The old fella with the Swanee whistle.

..to old vaudeville over there.

Five points to Jamali Maddix. Yeah, there it is.

OK, we're off.

We are indeed. And this task is all about my favourite film -

cling.

Hello, Charlotte. Hiya.

Is that how you walk?

Yes.

Like that and then you stop... I know.

..when you get to an object. Yeah.

HE SIGHS

I don't like the look of this.

There's tape and there's cellophane.