Taskmaster

Ooh.

Yow!

I just need to read that again.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Hello, I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

As we're near the halfway point of the series,

I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

There are those that say Taskmaster is a show without meaning,

that five comedians step into an arena and when they leave,

they've learnt nothing.

They've made fools of themselves on national television, brought shame

to their families and in some cases caused themselves physical harm.

To those that would reduce this show to a grotesque spectacle

watched over by a big fat man and a hairy sausage I say this,

please welcome Charlotte Ritchie... APPLAUSE

..Jamali Maddix... APPLAUSE

..Lee Mack... APPLAUSE

Mike Wozniak, and Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE

Now, eagerly sizzling in the pan next to me, statistics

are his foreplay and spreadsheets his post-coital cigarette.

It's the little Alex Horne!

Didn't mind that one. Nice, eh?

It implies I had a bit of fun. Yes.

And also, I have finished maths.

Oh.

OK, we're going back to this one, are we?

Well, I think we should give it a try because I learnt all of maths for this.

So, I presume there's a calculator in this.

Yes, I popped a working calculator into your drawer.

Right.

I can answer any sum, I'll pop that down.

Do you wanna pick a sum, Mike?

Erm, 13,243.

13,000... One, three, two, four, three.

One, three, two, four, three.

Yep. One, three, two, four, three. Uh, plus 8,000.

You are doing plus?

Plus 8,000.

Divide that by 20.

We're adding 8,000, divided by 20.

Just before you give me the answer, take your earpiece out.

Really? Yeah, we'll give you the final part of the sum.

Yeah, plus one.

So all of that plus one.

Plus one, 13,644.

No, it is that. Yeah.

Do another. He's got two ears, mate.

Yeah, I've got two earpieces. Oh!

I've got two earpieces.

The dirty rat.

I'm impressed with that.

That's genuinely the best thing you've ever done,

and I don't mean on this show.

What's the prize task category this week, please?

Well, it's quite simply the Craziest Thing.

You'll judge whose thing is the craziest, they'll get five

points, and the overall winner will take home five crazy things.

It's crazy. Jamali.

It's pretty crazy cos, do you know what, yeah?

I feel like you haven't enjoyed my other prizes.

Correct. So I've got a photo of a baby smoking.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember this kid.

Yeah, I remember that boy.

Yeah, pretty mad, innit? He's on like 80 a day. Yeah.

Was it 80 a day or something? Yeah, but he gave up cos he's a quitter.

Yeah, so I thought that was pretty mad, innit? That is your best prize by some distance.

There you go. It's a happy ending to that story, by the way.

Smoking's bad, he now thinks chocolate is better than smoking.

Ahh, good.

Lee, what have you brought in?

Um, well, I brought in something that I find particularly crazy

and that is, uh, a lady's swimming costume.

Not just any lady's swimming costume,

I'm the kinda person that thinks, ooh, what's underneath that costume,

and I know you're thinking, hello, bit of old school sexism there.

Yeah. I mean really underneath the costume.

Here it is.

Oh!

It's absolutely disgusting. Well done.

Thank you. I think it's educational in a crazy sort of way.

Good. Hello, Charlotte. Hello. What have you brought in?

Well, the craziest thing that I could think of

if my life is that I've genuinely been at the inauguration

of every president during my lifetime. What do you mean?

There've been seven inaugurations since she's been born.

Yeah. Four presidents. You've been at four inaugurations?

Yes. Wow. So, we've got photos of Charlotte at each of them.

Yeah. Which are up for grabs, is that right? Yeah, have 'em.

So, the first one here, Clinton's one, you can see her there.

Where? Where? Where? Oh, that little kid who's been superimposed?

Oh, God, the disappointment's so crushing that this is fake.

Hang on, I'm confused. Is the story true but the pictures fake or the whole thing's fake?

Charlotte is really there,

but all of those old bastards have been superimposed there.

Oh, right. Let's see all four pictures before we decide whether

this is a fake story. OK. Here's Charlotte at George W's inauguration.

OK. Yep, there she is.

Yep. Yeah, yeah.

I am beginning to think it's true.

OK, we're up to Obama. There I am.

There she is. Where, where are you?

There she is. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, yeah!

That's when you went through your awkward teenage phase... Yep.

..when your head was four times bigger than anyone else's.

And most recently, and you said this was your favourite,

Donald Trump's inauguration. Yeah, really enjoyed that.

That one's quite convincing apart from the fact that again that

you're giant. Well, that one actually, is real.

Is it? Yes. What a twist!

It's crazy. Nah, it's not real.

Aw! Alex, come on.

So, absolutely none of this is true?

But it's beautifully plausible. Hmm. Like, I believed it.

You believed it. Yeah, and the fact that I believed it is crazy.

Ooh. Love that. Next up, it's Mike.

Oh, what have you got for us?

So, I am not much of a, sort of domestic god

and as a housemate, I'm not too much trouble,

but there's a very specific toilet based, sort of infraction that

I, I do not understand for which there is an image.

This is his crazy thing.

Are you saying this is what makes YOU crazy?

No, I think this choice is crazy.

If you're gonna put it anywhere you could put it on the floor,

you could take it with you, put it in your pocket,

put it behind, whatever. You've chosen to put it on, ON the bin.

Yeah. For which, all you need to do is - pop.

Good. Good? I think it's crazy.

OK. Sarah, crazy?

Crazy. So, I went to a, uh, a dinner party and my recollection

of the whole evening was incredibly insane but there was a candle

that they had on the table and the candle was hundreds of angels'

faces in the wax and then they lit the candle and as the night steadily

got drunker and drunker and the evening felt stranger and stranger

there were melting angels' faces kind of drooping down the candle.

Here are the melting angel faces. They're horrible.

Frightening. It was like we'd angered the gods or something.

I don't know what you're offering up as crazy here,

melty angels or the collective experience?

The collective experience.

Now's the time to judge, Greg.

Melted crazy faces, toilet situation.

I didn't, I didn't find Lee's costume particularly crazy

and I'm gonna give it one point. OK, so it's one point to Lee.

I'm gonna give, I'm gonna jump to three points cos I think there's

some proper crazy goes on from that point onwards.

Three points to...

To the smoking baby.

A joint four points. Ooh!

To Charlotte and to Wozniak, but I think I'm being very generous

here because I think I'm giving him crazy points because he's crazy.

Yes, he did just put something on a bin.

And five points, I mean, no-one's gonna beat that, I mean, it's absolute madness.

Melted angel faces. Sarah Kendall takes the big five.

Well done, Sarah Kendall, five points.

Let's move on. Task, please.

Yes, we start today's show with some banana drama.

Hello, Alex.

What's in the mug? Uh, it's coffee.

Do you not want that? I can put it down.

No, I like it. Is that all right? Yeah.

Shall I just, uh, crack away?

Yes, please. Please crack away.

Right, I'm looking at a frozen banana.

Am I allowed to touch these things, Alex?

All the information's in the task, Lee.

Can I take this off? I can't hear a thing you're saying.

"Get all of this banana in the bottle."

Oh, it's cold.

"You may not break the bottle."

"The bottle may not leave the lab. Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now." Does that mean now? Hang on.

It's the old, uh, frozen banana in the bottle - classic.

Yeah. It's like a ship in a bottle but a banana instead of a ship

and it's not often you can use a banana instead of a ship.

Good. Let's play on.

Ooh, OK. Well, first it's Jamali and Lee.

Ahh.

Right, OK, it's got a number on it, so I have to find the code, don't I?

You've gotta get the banana in the bottle. Oh, hello,

there's a code at the bottom. It says 201.

Hello. Urgh, it's disgusting this stuff.

Oh, it came off.

Bingo.

It's, like, a frozen banana as well, innit?

Oh, hang on, there's something in the bottle.

Oh, no. Oh, for the love of God.

I mean, I'm tempted to just pour it all over the floor,

but I have got some dignity, unlike the other people,

the young people who'll throw it all over the floor.

Can I just pour it on the floor? OK.

Is that all right?

Oh, you fucking...

HE LAUGHS

I can go get stuff?

Ah, all the information's in the task there, Jamali.