Ghosts

It is sad, but you've picked a wonderful place to die.

This is the library.

There are many fine works of literature to peruse,

but of course we are limited

to whatever the Livings are perusing

because of our inability

to interact with the physical world.

Yeah, this being a ghost thing is wild.

Oh, and that big Viking guy

was telling me something about ghost powers.

Do you have one of those?

No.

There she is.

So it's true.

Um, hello.

I'm Nigel, and this is Creepy Dirk.

We live in the basement.

We're kind of the social elite of the house.

So, are you dating anyone yet?

I died two days ago.

There's always a bit of a feeding frenzy

when a new ghost arrives.

Welcome. I'm Baxter, of the Revolutionary shed ghosts.

I hear you're a musician.

Which is something we have in common.

I play the fife.

Oh, that's nice. (chuckles)

ISAAC (chuckling): Okay, well,

now the competition's grown too intense.

So it would be pointless for me to throw my hat into the ring

at this late date. (laughs)

Darn! Darn!

Anyway, may the best man win.

Isn't he...

-Oh, yeah. -Big-time. -Very much so.

Jay, we're helping Trevor brainstorm

some gift ideas for his boss.

If you were turning 50, what would you want?

Batman action figure,

specifically the 1966 Marx Bendable Batman.

Did it shrivel your desire for him,

how quickly he came up with that?

Okay, you don't ask nerd boy for help picking out a gift

for a finance baller like Brett.

I need to get this right.

The pressure is on.

This is for my boss!

Gifts are tricky, particularly for your superiors.

One time, a butler gifted me a silk scarf,

and it actually earned him a pay cut.

He should not be able to afford a silk scarf.

Exactly. You don't want to come on too strong,

or you'll be perceived as a kiss-ass.

But you can't go too cheap,

like when Sam got Jay's mom that beer cozy.

-(both groan) -(Samantha scoffs)

That was supposed to be ironic.

Because she drinks tea.

Oh, so the joke is that it's useless to her. Good one.

Ooh! What about a jaguar?

I think a car is coming on too strong.

What? No, I'm talking about the animal.

Once trained, jaguars make excellent pets.

Though not for the postal carrier.

Your jaguar attacked your mailman?

Okay, that's got to be Hetty.

Let me guess: They're also delicious to eat.

A little gamy, actually, for my taste.

But their skulls make handsome cocaine bowls.

Maybe one of those.

It's not too expensive, and-and it's thoughtful,

given what you've said about your boss's predilections.

Yeah, sure. Sam, can you run over to Target,

see if they have any jaguar skull cocaine bowls

left in stock?

See? This discussion was fruitful after all.

What you doing?

I'm waiting for Pete to get back.

He went to Jamaica to see if any of my relatives are ghosts.

Pete also cross ocean for Thor, but much further.

Greater risk he disappear.

-What's your point? -Just that Thor special, too.

: Okay.

Howdy!

Uhp, pardon me, I'm a little shorthanded. (chuckles)

: Oh, Pete, you're back!

Glad you back from Jamaica,

-which is much closer than Norway. -(laughs)

So, tell me everything.

How was your trip? Did you locate any of my family?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Your grandmother, Hortense, is a ghost.

-Oh, my God. You talked to her? -Yep.

She is a peach of a lady.

And she has a message for you. Do you want me to do her accent?

-No. -Copy that.

Well, she was thrilled to learn that you're a singer.

She still remembers you as a three-year-old

belting out spirituals on a summer Sunday.

Alberta, she was just beaming with pride about you.

I'm touched that you would do this for me.

-Honestly, I'm getting a little choked up. -Aw, yeah.

Donna thought you might react that way.

I'm sorry, what? You saw Donna?

Your ex-girlfriend Donna?

Yeah, yeah. I was in the neighborhood,

so I thought, "Why not?"

Yeah. Why not? (chuckles)

Because they used to have intercourse.

-Could be awkward. -Oh, come on.

We're just friends. It's not awkward at all.

If you say so.

Uh, Sam? We got to talk.

Oh. Trevor just came in looking concerned.

Well, I settled on a birthday gift for my boss Brett,

and it did not go over how I'd hoped.

-What'd you get him? -It's called a stripper-gram.

Oh, my God.

Trevor got Brett a stripper-gram for his birthday.

The Brettinator? I bet he loved that, right?

He did. It's just, Human Resources did not.

Okay, I'm taking from context clues that a stripper-gram

is like a telegram,

but the message is delivered by some sort of harlot.

She was dressed as an HVAC repairwoman.

The bit being that she felt it was so hot in Brett's office

that she could not perform her duties clothed.

Forget the stripping, I'm hooked on the plot.

Apparently, stupid Linda from accounting happened by,

reported the whole thing.

Didn't even let Candi get to the big finish.

So what does this mean? Are you fired?

Not exactly, but it's bad.

HR wants to see me tomorrow, in person.

But you can't go in person.

And even if you could, they could not see you.

HR wants to see Trevor tomorrow, in New York, in person.

Okay.

This is simple.

Young Jay must simply redon his persona of Michael Jackson,

which he did so successfully at the work retreat at Woodstone,

and head into the city in Trevor's stead.

The ghosts are saying...

I know what they're saying, Sam.

They want me to get chewed out by HR on Trevor's behalf.

Well, guess what.

I'm not doing it!

Uh, Jay...

No, don't "Jay" me, okay?

It's a nonstarter.

What do I care if a ghost lost their job?

Frankly, I think it's weird that a ghost has a job at all,

and I don't think that's a controversial opinion!

Are you gonna tell him or should I, Sam?

The thing is, we're sort of-- how do I put this?--

uh, dependent on Trevor's salary

-to stay financially solvent. -(gasps)

Excuse me?

It's just, we've encountered so many unexpected expenses,

and I tried to make the numbers work,

but the math wasn't mathing, Jay.

So No Pants has been keeping us afloat?

Ironic for a guy who was fished out of the bottom of a lake.

I wanted to tell you,

but I also didn't want to stress you out.

You've been working so hard,

trying to get the restaurant up and running.

But what about the list? We-we got on the list.

And it's helping some. We're getting busier,

and that's great momentum that we need to build on.

But we're not profitable yet.

What about your book? You were a stocking stuffer.

And again, that's great, but it's not exactly a windfall.

I mean, most authors also have a day job.

Candi's an author.

It's absolute smut but well told.

So, wh-what are you saying, Sam?

I'm saying we won't need Trevor's money, eventually.

But if we want to make it to summer,

we got to save Trevor's job.

Looks like Michael Jackson is going to HR.

Let me ask you guys something.

Do you think it's okay for someone to make a special trip

to see their ex when they're dating someone else?

It wasn't a special trip. I was in the neighborhood.

Is Saint Lucia in the neighborhood, though? (chuckles)

I'm not a geography expert,

but I feel like you have to go out of your way.

Well, you know, the Caribbean isn't that big of a place.

Caribbean Islands span over thousand miles east to west.

You know that because of your Viking voyages?

No.

Captain Sandy sailed ship out of Antigua,

season eight, Below Deck.

Reality TV is a fount of wisdom. It doesn't get enough credit.

Donna and I are just friends.

It's still weird. She might be into you.

But I'm not into her, so it doesn't matter.

Okay, well, that British shed ghost Baxter and I

had a thing back in '29.