Ghosts

Pack that carefully.

It's a precious relic.

This is a travesty.

You know not what you do.

Just let him rest in peace.

A curse on whoever is responsible for this.

A curse upon their descendants.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

The centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu,

the blue heirloom squash.

Grown from seed right here at Woodstone.

Have you ever seen anything like her?

Sam, do not leave that man alone with this vegetable.

Jay is very excited about the fall menu.

We really want to get the restaurant back on track.

Yeah, and since we don't have Satan

or any of his dark powers helping us,

I had to do something splashy.

Nothing more splashy than

old squash.

Guess who just sold four more tickets

to our first annual Halloween haunted house?

Bela. The answer is Bela.

She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event,

which warmed my labor-exploiting heart.

I still think it's crazy you're resorting

to a bunch of fake blood and verkakte costumes

when you got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts.

Yeah, but your guys' stuff isn't exactly scary.

-Excuse me? -Don't poke the ghosts, Sam.

Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit

if I try real hard.

And my humming can be heard in the world of the living,

if the room tone is quiet enough.

And if you wait until Saint Patrick's Day...

Oh, why do I even bother?

Thor have the power to harness electricity.

Strike fear into the hardest of hearts.

Oh, was that Thor?

- Mm. - See?

Bela terrified.

Tremble before Thor.

Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead

with all the haunted house stuff.

Yeah. I just wish the house was a little spookier.

I mean, it's derelict,

that's good, but I feel like we could use some more

creepy decorations or something.

Oh, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement.

We could bring some of that crap up here.

Excuse you, sir. Crap?

Jay, it was a little insensitive

to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way.

- Mm. - Insensitive?

Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell.

Come on, Sam.

You would never treat me like this.

I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam.

Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn house.

Gosh, I love a good haunted house.

The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs,

the zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti.

Oh, zombies are a trip, man.

Can you imagine being dead,

but still, like, walking around and stuff?

Yeah, that's really hard to picture.

Yeah, no matter what they do,

this home will never be more frightening

than the scariest house of all,

the U.S. House of Representatives.

'Cause of the dysfunction.

How wonderful it is to see you all.

Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.

Well, it is Allhallows Eve,

which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off

and I plan on bringing back Chris,

the sky-diving exotic dancer

- who stole my heart. - Right,

because he was sucked off, as we all remember and lament.

Right, guys?

That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.

A-Although, um, here's the thing,

and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel, but

in order for a ghost to come back,

the Living who's doing the séance

must have an object that the ghost

had on their person when they died.

Oh, dear.

No, I didn't realize that was necessary.

Yes, and we don't have such an object,

so I guess there's nothing we can do except just go on

with our afterlives and never think of this again.

Oh.

What about the penis straws the stripper died with?

- Excuse me? He was gonna pass them out

to the bachelorette party,

but then Sam took them off his dead body and kept them.

-Why would she do that? -I don't know.

She's a secret freak? Stop shaming her, you square.

Well, this is outstanding news.

Yes, so great.

Oh, thank you, Flower.

Hmm?

Oh, I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.

It's been a hard few months,

but it appears my luck has started to turn.

Flower, what have you done?

You mean, like, ever?

That's a toughie.

Um, acid, quaaludes, I smoked a toad once.

No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off.

As you all know, he floated away on his own accord,

and Nigel will be crushed when he finds out

and furious at me for deceiving him.

Oh, no. Okay.

I have to go find Samantha to get our stories straight.

I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?

Yeah, but if I didn't, he was gonna smoke me.

At least, that's what he told me after I smoked him.

What's this weird little clamp thing?

That's an elbow clip.

Well-bred children wore them during adolescence

to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointy.

Oh, that's terrible.

Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows.

I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here,

but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty real.

That because it is real.

There actual mummy in there.

We were the first in the county to have one,

which was very important as the Vanderbilts

had just acquired the skull of a pig boy.

Yeah, you can't be out pig-boy'ed.

Jay, apparently, that's a real mummy

in that sarcophagus, that Hetty somehow acquired.

Well, that doesn't sound like something we should have.

Still very cool, though.

We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer

in the early 1890s.

Back then, mummies were all the rage,

their wrappings a popular cure-all.

-She eat his toe. -Mm.

Thor watch. Was gross.

-People ate mummies? -Oh, yes.

Never did much for my insomnia, though to be fair, at the time,

I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.

Whoa, it comes with a manual.

Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?

I got an app for this.

He pays $29 a month for that,

and this is the first time he's used it.

"The Egyptian Book of the Dead."

Dope.

"Oh, thou Only One, who shinest from the Moon,

"when Tuat is opened to the gods,

"let me come forth to do his pleasure

upon Earth amidst the Living."

Greetings. I am Amunhotep.

Son of Horemheb and Meresankh.

Oh, my God.

What happened to its toe?

- I'm sorry, what just happened? - Uh, Jay,

when I just read that thing,

an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.

What? How?

Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter.

The mummy is gonna explain.

Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a Living,

but I can see and talk to ghosts.

My husband, Jay, can't.

Pretty hard "C" on that "can't" there, Sam.

Felt aggressive.

3,000 years ago, when I died,

the priest who was supposed to oversee

my mummification rituals was waylaid,

and his replacement was not

what you would call experienced.

You got a second-string priest. Continue.

The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such,

my spirit was confined to my mummified corpse.

Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes,

this one is a doozy.

Much later, I was stolen from my tomb in Egypt

and transported to a strange land.

A despicable family known as the Woodstones

paraded me around like a trophy at their parties and even...

...ate my toe.

Thor saw. Was gross.

Who is Thor?

Thor Thor.

Uh, how did you learn English?

I was unable to see my surroundings,

but from inside my wrappings,

I could hear what was going on.

Slowly, I learned the language of this land.

So, if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone...

I would recognize it instantly.

Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.

If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone,

I would take revenge