Elsbeth

To all my friends.

Subject: I'm getting married!

Just kidding. LOL. Forgive me for my little ruse

to get your attention, my busy loved ones.

I love you so much.

And I've been so happy to spend every weekend

and some Thursdays of my entire adult life

celebrating you and your partners' milestones.

It's been a pleasure to spend thousands of dollars

celebrating your first, second, and third weddings.

Countless hours organizing your bachelorettes,

your baby showers, your gender reveals.

And I've never, ever

asked for anything in return.

But, loved ones, much to my shock and delight,

I've reached an unexpected milestone myself.

My dear Aunt Sylvie passed away

and left me her sun-drenched villa

in the south of France.

I've inherited my dream home.

And I urge you to come celebrate with me.

Yes, it's a Thursday, but you'll manage, like I have.

I'm looking at you, Evangeline. Ha, ha.

And just like Blair's proposal reveal brunch,

it's a cash bar.

Cell phones will be locked upon arrival

to encourage human connection.

No children are allowed.

Heartfelt toasts are not only encouraged,

but required, so prepare.

I've set up a registry at Selency.

I could use all the help I can get to furnish my home

with genuine French pre-war pieces.

Attached is a photo for reference.

Oh, and did I mention the best part?

The dress code is Regency chic.

Please RSVP in a timely manner.

Kisses. Rachel.

Great.

Okay. Wow.

Everything looks perfect.

Would you like a drink while you wait?

Um, hi. Yes.

But you're going to have to say the name.

That's the whole point of paying for a custom cocktail.

I'm sorry. Um...

would you like a Rachel's Time Martini?

Put the emphasis on "Rachel."

"Rachel's Time Martini."

Why are you still standing here?

It's almost time. Circulate.

- Okay. - Circulate.

Allez! Hey.

You should have asked me for this when I came in.

I was waiting for the guests to arrive.

Okay, well, when they do, it is really important

that you get everyone's phone. Okay?

I don't want any butt-ugly photos being posted online

without my permission.

Yes, miss.

If they ask for it back,

you say, "Is it an emergency?"

And then ask what the emergency is.

Okay? Because...

repeatedly checking in on the sitter... it is not an emergency.

It's postpartum depression.

Ah.

Ready for my Rachel's Time.

It's my time after all.

Okay.

I need my phone.

Is it an emergency?

Just give it to me.

Hey. Tequila.

- Yes, ma'am. - Now.

Kimberly?

Do you want a jalapeño popper?

No, Blaze. I don't want a jalapeño popper.

How about another Rachel's Time Martini?

Just leave me alone, okay?

Actually, you know what?

Send everybody home.

Nobody's coming.

You can clean up in the morning.

Everybody, go home.

Whoa! Ugh, this night.

No!

Uh, don't jump!

Let go! Get off me, you freak.

Wow. You're beautiful.

What?

You've got so much to live for.

I wasn't gonna kill myself, you idiot.

But you look so damaged.

Maybe that's 'cause you almost hit me with your dumb bike.

Look, I know life

can get tough, but

you don't have to hide your pain.

I am not hiding my pain.

I am literally telling you

how upset I am.

Look. Look what you did

to my Jane Austen-inspired heels.

No one is alone.

Well, I literally am.

But don't you worry, I'm very used to it.

Don't follow me or I'll call the cops.

Uh, wait, wait.

At least take my number.

Let me know you got home okay.

Fine.

- Forgot my phone. - Then...

Here, take this.

You can call me anytime.

I mean it.

- Of course you're a barista. - I'm a store manager. That's why

it says, "bean boss."

I'm such a broke boy magnet.

Well, I'm here for you, always.

Howie?

Hello, Kimberly.

Why were you not at my party?

Why didn't anyone come to my party?

- Hi, Rachel. - Ha, ha.

What did you do, Kimberly?

- What did I do? - Yeah.

Take some responsibility for yourself.

Everyone thought your party was insane.

Oh, not as insane as having three failed marriages

- before 35. - Howie and I are fine.

Oh, yeah? Is that why you're alone right now?

Why don't you just mind your own business?

I don't have time to mind my own business.

I'm too busy celebrating your garbage relationships

with garbage men.

Well, at least I've had relationships.

I like being single.

- No, you don't. - And I shouldn't be punished for it.

Kimberly, I have been a bridesmaid

16 times.

I can't remember the last day off

that I was not shopping for a gift

or planning a party or-or... my favorite...

writing a speech about how great

someone else's underwhelming husband is.

Nobody appreciates me.

Rachel, I appreciate you and everything you do

and so does everyone else, but you also have free will.

You could have said no.

- I could have said no? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, if I had said no, Kimberly, you wouldn't be

snuggling in this cashmere blanket

that I bought for you when you were engaged to Scooter.

If I had said no,

you wouldn't have this gorgeous Tiffany frame

that I bought for you when you were

engaged to Lyle.

If I had said no,

I wouldn't have paid

$800 for this

Le Pótique pot

that I got for you and Howie

when you got married on my 30th birthday.

And you can't even bring yourself

to celebrate me for one night?

Wow.

Do you hear yourself?

This transactional, entitled behavior

is not something to be indulged.

That's why I told everyone to change their RSVPs tonight.

You what?

Inheriting a house isn't the same as falling in love

or getting married or starting a family.

And it's not your friend's fault

that those things will never happen for you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Dishwasher.

Dishwasher.

Boo-boo?

Make me some mac and cheese?

Okay, Howie.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

I know I've let you down,

and there's no excuse for my behavior.

I exaggerated,

and I let people hear

what I wanted them to hear.

Drawing attention to the right issues,

but in the wrong way.

And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

But from the beginning, this campaign

hasn't been about me.

It's about making this city affordable for you.

So, don't vote for me. Vote for the movement.

What made you decide to come forward about this lie?

Someone very important to me

made me realize that...