Ted Lasso

The last time I spent this long in bed, was because I strained a hamstring.

Should we…

tell people about us?

I'm enjoying the secrecy.

Sneaking around at work.

Doesn't it feel scandalous and fun?

No. It's so stressful.

I'm going gray.

I have not seen one gray hair anywhere.

It's not on my head.

It's not down there. It's in my armpits. See?

Problem solved.

You know, if we told people about us,

then I could do this…

in public.

You are not gonna let this one go, are you?

No, I am not.

You know, we have the weekend off.

Then I'm in.

-Where are we going? -How about Greece?

Oh, my God, Mother!

Excellent, that's where my spare keys went.

Sam, you remember my mother?

It's a pleasure to formally meet you, Deborah.

I sincerely wish I wasn't in my boxers right now.

Boxer briefs.

And like clunky exposition,

they leave very little to the imagination.

I am so sorry.

Right, okay, that's all the pleasantries out of the way.

So come on, Mother.

What's my father done this time?

He died.

So where do you think her father is right now?

In the drawer of a funeral home.

No. I mean, like, spiritually.

In the drawer of a funeral home.

You know, growing up, I used to believe that

if you did good things, you went to heaven.

You did bad things, you went to hell.

Nowadays, I know we all just do both. So wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge,

and humans are the pets.

I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire

at Cindy Clawford's feet.

Yeah.

I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger…

and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.

You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death,

it's 21.3 grams lighter,

and some say that's the weight of the soul.

Whoever figured that out

clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again.

You live, you die, you're done.

Good night.

-He's on his period. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oi, so we're all going to this funeral as a team.

So that means ties, shirts…

-and no trainers. -What?

Okay.

Well, what if they're, like, really nice Yeezys?

-Yeah. -What color?

Bright red.

Okay, I'll wear some dress shoes.

Where do you get dress shoes?

I don't have time to stand in line at midnight

and wait till morning to buy new shoes.

You don't have to do that for shoes like these, mate.

Nobody wants them.

Oh, my God! This fucking song!

Mother, turn it off!

Hang on! Hang on, sausage.

I can't hear you.

Of course you can't fucking hear me.

-What did you want? -Why are you playing that song?

I'm sorry. I like to have it playing in every room in the house when I wake up.

It just makes me feel happy.

Well, you shouldn't feel happy today.

You should feel happy every day, Rebecca.

Do you want to talk about that?

No-- I am happy.

I don't need to talk about anything.

You know, the old Rebecca used to love that song.

Yeah, well, the whole world used to love that song.

Then we heard it ad nauseam, and now we're over it.

Well, I don't work that way.

Once I love something, I love it forever.

You know, you can change this room to whatever you want.

You don't need to keep it like this for me.

No, it reminds me of when we were close.

I want it that way.

Now I know what song I want to play next.

Oh, no!

Good morning, Stinky.

What the hell are you thinking?

Just wanted to see if I could still do it.

Those Tracy Anderson workouts are having the right effect.

Nora, hurry up!

I'm taking my time and being careful.

When I was your age, I could do this in seconds.

That's true.

While drunk, by the way.

Florence, darling, it's been ages.

-Deborah. -Thank you for coming.

Nora and I are here for anything you need, okay?

Isn't that right, Nora?

-Nora! -Oh, God.

I'm okay.

Funerals are weird, aren't they?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're like a party,

but for sad people.

Like where everyone knows they have to go and be sad.

Maybe you're not sad,

but you have to go and be sad.

I think that's weird.

Yeah, they're horrible.

Roy, if you die, do you want to be buried or cremated?

Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?

Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me.

Avenge me, Keeley.

Avenge me!

This funeral is really messing with your head, innit?

I found this company,

and they bury you in a biodegradable sack.

So when your body decomposes,

it fertilizes the seeds of a fruit tree.

That's what I want.

Because then you and all the people that love me

can eat the fruit from my tree.

That is fucking mental.

Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life

just 'cause he killed you swerving to avoid a child.

I didn't know about the fucking child.

I just like the idea that my death can nourish people.

With fruit made from your rotting corpse?

I wouldn't eat that.

But you'll eat a kebab that you find a hair in?

It's fine if you know who the hair is from.

That's part of the deal. He's a lovely bloke.

-You're not really angry, are you? -Yes, I actually am.

And now we have to go to a funeral and act sad.

Well, now I am sad.

Shit.

We're so sorry for your loss.

Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you made it.

-Of course. -Dad always loved you both.

Who are they?

I've no idea.

My darling, Deborah.

Rupert.

My sincerest condolences.

Didn't think you were coming.

Rebecca, Paul was family.

No, I mean because you weren't invited.

It's lovely to see you, Rupie.

And introducing Diane.

What a chubby baby.

Congratulations, Mother. You've just fat-shamed a baby to tears.

Come here.

Et voilà, the magic touch.

It's not magic.

I ate the placenta raw, and she knows it.

Yeah, I had all the TVs in the house removed.

I just sit around and watch them all day.

How lovely.

Excuse me.

-My condolences. -Thank you, Leslie.

Sorry, Ms. Welton.

Sorry for your loss.

-How many of them came? -All of them.

And none of them are wearing trainers.

That's how much they care about you.

-My feet are killing me, man. -We'll sit down in a minute, mate.

Deep breaths, mate.

-Rebecca. -Sam.

And Colin, and Isaac, and Nathan.

Everyone. Thank you all so much for coming.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yeah, sorry for your loss.

Yes--

Fathers are the training wheels on the bikes of…

Sorry-- I just didn't want to say what they said, so I--

Sorry for your loss.

Sassy.

Oh, decrepit shitbag.

Oh, come on, Sass. Let's let bygones be bygones, eh?

I've got a daughter now. I've changed.

Oh, right.

Having a daughter erases

all the shitty things you've done to women in your lifetime.

Cool.

Rupert, I think about your death every single day.

I can't wait.

I'm gonna wear red to your funeral.

I will be a beacon of joy to the other three people there.

Always a pleasure, Sassy.

Fuck off and die, Rupert.

Good morning, Ted.