Taskmaster

Boo.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with all social distancing guidelines in place at the time of filming.

Yow. I just need to read that again.

Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

This is my kingdom and on the days when I'm not thrashing my surf,

I seek out other entertainment.

From the many corners of the land, I have gathered five jesters,

and they have danced for me over a period of weeks.

Soon, it will be time to select the finest of them all.

He or she will be rewarded with gold, while the others are fired

against the castle walls from a giant medieval trebuchet.

I will then eat a load of pork and look great on a big horse.

That's what's at stake.

Let's meet those that will jest.

Welcome Charlotte Ritchie!

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me is a man who makes me put the mean into demean.

He's a hairy cylinder of subservience

who once wet himself on a train when he was 30.

It's little Alex Horne.

CHEERING

Hi. Hi.

I am an emotional wreck, Greg.

Agreed. Shall we crack on?

LAUGHTER OK.

Prize task then. Yes, please, Gigi.

And this week's category is the best thing to hang on a wall

that you wouldn't normally hang on a wall.

Ooh. OK, so if someone suggested mirror, I'd say, "Come off it,

"push off, mate, you haven't been listening properly,

"and I've had it up to here with your nonsense", OK?

So at the end of the episode, the person with the most points

will take home all five things

and gain a very unusual feature wall at home.

Hello, Sarah. Hi, Greg.

What thing have you brought in

that you wouldn't normally hang on a wall,

but I'd be excited to see hung on a wall?

OK, well, I would not normally hang a picture of myself on a wall.

I think it's weird for anyone to have, like,

a portrait of themself in their own home.

You have seen that, right?

Yeah, this is not his house.

If I did have pictures of me in my house, I should take them down?

Portraits. Big portraits of yourself.

I should take them down. I'd take it down. Can you make a note of that?

Remove all of them? Yeah, remove them all. There's a lot of them.

So, I have a friend who started drawing pictures of me,

and I wouldn't normally hang a picture of myself on a wall,

but I would hang these on a wall. Here we go.

You can hang those on the wall under your own system

because they don't look like you.

Do you know what? She's actually written "All right, cobber."

All right, cobber? On the left. Yeah, yeah.

To...just in case you weren't sure, "Oh, who's that?"

Ooh, it's Sarah. Uh...

Cos if I'm describing who's on this series of Taskmaster to anyone,

I always say Sarah Kendall, you know, "All right, cobber?"

And they go, "Oh." Oh!

Yeah.

Charlotte. OK.

Um, picture this,

you're on the loo, Greg, and you're thinking, "I want to read a book."

I'm thinking put the book on the wall opposite your toilet.

Hang it and read it. OK.

And be free.

There you go. OK?

So it hangs at the back, where you can see the little ropes. Yeah.

You've got some Sellotape there to keep the book open. Clear.

What if I want to read outside of those two pages?

Then what it comes with is a length of bamboo. Uh-huh.

A small piece of, um, Blu-Tack. Right.

Stick, thwack. What? Slot.

And it's in. So I can tap and thwack?

You can tap and thwack and slot. OK.

I toilet, I read, I tap and thwack.

And then you're free. And then I'm free. And then you're free.

Lee, can you beat tap and thwack while I'm pooing?

One of the problems with getting old

is how you feel in the morning when you wake up. Yes.

And I've invented something that's going to solve all this. Really?

And it's called the wall bed.

So, I've invented the wall bed, which looks like a normal bed,

but if you stand it upright and then you strap yourself in...

Lee, I don't want to be critical, but is there not a chance

that once I'm in my middle-aged war bed. Yeah.

That when I fall asleep, my body will slump over those waistbands.

Yeah. And the blood will be cut off from my waist, uh...

No, because... ..and I won't be able to breathe properly.

What isn't showing in the picture is the optional handcuffs.

But they're going to be rubberised so they're not too uncomfortable.

So, you're in, you're up, your waist has got you like that.

The most that'll go forward is your...is your head.

There is an outside risk of crucification. Crucification? Yeah.

Crucification? Crucification.

Uh, there is an outside risk of crucification.

That's in the small print.

And I can enjoy a sort of hostage fantasy, if I fancy one.

Absolutely... Absolutely, and if someone...

If you have a one-night stand, it will literally be that.

I think this is a contender. Congratulations. Oh, good.

Good, I'm... It's a good invention, that, isn't it? Mike.

Hello. What are you going to hang on your wall then?

Uh, I have brought a welcome mat. Oh, OK.

Um, which I think is sort of fundamentally flawed.

Very much so.

If your guests, they come in, and they say,

"Thank you very much for your nice message of welcome,

"please excuse me while I grind fox faeces into this salutation."

And for the host, it's, you know, very much saying, you know,

"Welcome but also, please don't ruin my carpets,

"you filthy turd trudger."

Right. But what if they have got fox faeces all over their feet?

Then send them away.

This feels rubbish to me. Does it? Yeah. Yeah?

Makes sense.

Um, Jamali, can you beat that? Yes, is the answer.

Yeah, yeah, best till last. All right, uh, do you like sitting?

Um... I mean, do I? Do you like snacks?

He knows how to play the game. You've, you've got eyes, Jamali.

So, let's not waste time, mini-fridge. There we go,

it's a mini-fridge. Oh. Mini-fridge, next to your sofa.

You don't have to walk, mini-fridge.

You...you...you just admitted you like sitting and you like snacks.

Five points, please. I admitted it, yeah.

My body betrays me anyway. I love to sit.

I love a snack. Yeah. But I don't...

I don't think even I need this ability.

Wall-mounted fridges are quite common

cos they really open up the living space in the kitchen.

So it's not something that's never hung.

But it isn't usually hung. Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right. Who's got one point? Wozniak. Mike Wozniak, one point.

What is slightly better than the welcome mat? Jamali. OK.

Hello, Jamali. Two points to you. I'll take that.

I'm not going to have a third place. The others made an effort.

I'm going to give four points to Sarah's bizarre pictures

and to Charlotte's tap and sweep automatic reader.

And I'm going to give the five points, because I like the idea

of not feeling in pain in the morning, to Lee Mack.

Well done, Lee Mack gets the full five points.

OK! Let's get going with a proper task.

Absolutely, and it's time for a spot of speed reading.

Hiya. You mind standing on the other side of that rope, please? OK.

Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Lee.

Hello, Jamali. How you doing?

Pretty good. Hi.

How are you? I'm OK. Please read the task out loud. Uh...

OK, complete these tasks.

Complete these tasks.

Oh.

Complete these tasks.

Oh, sh... What?

Oh, my god. Oh, no, OK.

Complete these tasks. The most tasks wins.

Don't light that. I haven't read it. Complete these tasks. Ah.

Uh, you may not step beyond this line.

Which line? You had ten minutes from when the fuse was lit.

Attack The Biscuit.

Chuck The Dog.

Attack The Biscuit, Chuck The Dog, Embrace The Fish.

Chuck The Dog.

Chuck... Attack The Biscuit, Chuck The Dog, Embrace The Fish.

Drop The Hat, Inspect The Jacket, Kick The Lemon.

Oh, stop it. Ahh!

Right, OK.

Oh, the... OK, well, that didn't work! Two things.

Oh, no. Chuck The Dog.

Uh, mash the... Oh, for fuck's sake.

Am I supposed to remember it?

Mash The Nectarine, Open The Plum, Quaff The Ribena,

Sniff The Turnip, Undermine The Vole, Whack The Xylophone,

Yank The something or other.

OK. Fine.

Do you remember how long you've got?

I don't remember what time limit I've got, no.

So all the information's on the task. Right.

It was quite a contrast between Lee's reactions and Sarah's.

They both became very different characters.

Lee became a member of the cast of Last Of The Summer Wine...

um, when he went, "Oh, stop it!"

And Sarah became the most Australian person on the earth,

"Aw, for fuck's sake!"

And we're going to begin by seeing how Sarah got on all by herself.

Aww. Here she is. I hate this.

Aww.

Mash The Biscuit.

BUZZER

I think I had to attack a dog. Or lick a dog.

Or bath a dog.

What are you going to do to that dog?

I suppose I'll lick it and bath it.