Taskmaster

Is this a joke?

Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow.

Hello, I'm Greg Davies

and every morning I judge the first person I see

to sharpen my skills for preparation for my work on this throne.

This morning it was Lydia Evans who runs my local bakery.

Lacklustre service and a horrible shrill voice.

Easy. Now, let's meet the lemmings queuing up

for a write-off on camera, they are

Alan Davies,

Desiree Burch,

Guz Khan,

Morgana Robinson

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Now, he's small, he's hairy and he sleeps in my underpants,

it's little Alex Horne!

Thank you. Nice.

All right? Bit nervous.

Are you?

I wanted to tell you something which I've never told you before.

OK. Uh, I love you.

I want, I want you to look at me the way I look at you.

I can imagine.

Finished?

OK.

No, it's awful, isn't it? But who created this atmosphere?

I didn't.

Right, let's get going with, with the show, I guess.

OK, so the Prize Task this week,

you demanded that they bring in the most desirable thing

for the person below you in the alphabet,

or the highest alphabetically if you're the lowest alphabetically.

So, Alan has chosen something desirable for Desiree,

Desiree for Guz and so on, until eventually,

Victoria has brought something in for Alan.

Five points will be awarded to the most desirable thing

and the winner of the episode will bring home five things,

one of which will be desirable for them.

Ooh. Hello, Alan.

Hi. Who've you brought a present for?

Uh, Desiree. It's a book of etiquette for English ladies.

Ahh. And, it's, it's very helpful for people who are coming

to these shores, living here.

Mid-19th century, things like,

"you are not expected to recognise any friend

"on the opposite side of the street. Even if you see them, do not bow."

That is a relief. Thank you, that's... Stop. Do not bow.

Stop bowing! Also, Desiree, "Do not walk so fast,

"you are not chasing anybody. Walk slowly, gracefully."

Yeah, that's been a big problem for me my entire existence.

You flipping yanks running around bowing all over the place.

Desiree, who have you bought something for?

I have bought something for Guz.

I happen to know what Guz really wants is a Bully Kutta,

which is a Pakistani Mastiff.

It's a huge dog that's super protective.

Kutta means dog and Bully is, it's a bully dog.

You want a Bully Kutta? It's a Bully Kutta, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, what I've done is commissioned Idil Sukan,

who is an incredible artist, to create a painting of one

so that you can always have your dream dog in your home

to protect you and your family.

I'm so excited. Oh!

Right, isn't he fly?

He's got the gold puffy coat

and everything cos that's your dog, man.

That is incredible.

Yes. Just give her the five points now. Yes.

This task has really backfired.

I know. I used to love it.

I was hoping you were gonna insult each other.

No, we adore Guz.

He has only got a one in five chance of taking it home, though.

Look, if I win it, I'll give it to you.

Will you do that? Yeah, of course.

Stop being nice!

Me too, Guz, you're totally having it.

Thank you, mate. Yeah, yeah.

We have defeated the format of your show.

You haven't cos I'm gonna go backstage

and cut that painting up.

Guz, who have you bought for?

So, I have bought for Morgana.

What is it? My G, and...

A weekend in the Seychelles?

It was actually gonna be something different, yeah,

and then now we've all been spending so much time together,

I switched it and made it something that I hope you will really appreciate.

Yeah? It's one of Guz's long coats.

I love it!

I love it, it's the one that you were wearing the other day.

You said you really liked it and I was like, yeah. I love it!

I'm gonna feel guilty if I take that home.

No, you won't. Don't feel guilty, it's what Guz wants.

He either wants, in life, paintings of himself

or to make other people look like him.

All right, what have you bought, Morgana?

OK, so I have bought Victoria a.

..personalised velvet vintage smoking jacket

with, if that's not enough, some matching slippers.

Oh. Embossed in your name,

to sort of pimp up her late night smutty poker nights.

I mean, that sounds amazing.

Wow. Whoa. Are those Victoria's initials?

I mean, I really, really want that.

Can you imagine a big cigar, nothing underneath,

"Six of clubs, have that!"

That's how you play, isn't it?

It's like looking in a mirror.

That's a great present as well, obviously.

Um, if we can rely on one person to get us back on track.

No, this is a good thing. No, I've got a good thing.

I have bought Alan a season ticket to Manchester United

because he always goes to see the Arsenal. I don't...

The team he supports?

Yeah, well, whatever the reason that's where he always is.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

No, because I assumed if he loves football,

he's gonna want to see the best team.

If you look at the cups and everything... Yep.

..it's usually Manchester United and I thought,

I don't know why Alan's never treated himself to a ticket to that.

I think Alan's about to tell you.

Anyway, it's not the whole... Because it's so expensive,

it turned out to be, I got a voucher towards a season ticket.

So you haven't even bought the whole season ticket.

Well, I bought most of it. To a team I imagine you hate.

Of course.

He'll be sat with all the people he hates as well,

he's in the wrong end. He's in the Man United end.

And many of them, I'd like to point out, hate me.

Yes, yes, they all know you're an Arsenal fan.

And she hasn't even paid for it all!

This is it! I knew it.

It's the most passive-aggressive, calculated personal attack

that I've ever experienced.

It's fabulous, one point to Victoria.

Well done, Victoria.

Two points to, uh, Alan's etiquette book.

OK, fair enough. Three points to Guz trying to make someone into him.

Right. Uh, the smoking jacket,

Victoria will look fine and dandy in it, I must concede.

But the painting, it just tipped it for me

so I'm gonna give five points to Desiree.

Five points to Desiree Burch!

What's next, please?

Ironing.

Oh, there you are. Hello, mate.

Aww. What a busman's holiday.

Oh, a little domestic work, this is nice. OK.

OK. Uh,

land the iron on

the ironing board from the furthest distance.

What? Land what?

The ironing board must be standing at its maximum height

when the iron lands on it, so at the maximum height.

And the iron must remain on the ironing board

for the attempt to count.

What attempt to count?

You have 20 minutes.

I don't understand.

So, so the ironing board has to be far away

and arrive at the ironing board?

Well, you've said ironing board twice now.

Your time starts now. Can I leave the room?

All the information's on the task, Guz.

Oh, I have to be the furthest distance, not the iron.

Well, you need to make the iron land on the board.

Seems to have baffled Victoria, this one. Yes.

It, it seems quite straightforward to me,

it's got to land on the ironing board from the furthest distance,

not necessarily thrown, just land.

Yeah, it's like, it's like the hammer throw in the Olympics

but landing it on a hammer board.

With an iron. Yes.

Good. Well, let's not talk about it, let's see it.

Yes. First to attempt long distance iron throwing are Guz and Desiree

and let's not forget Alan!

OK, I think I got to go out.

I'll measure that.

Ahh.

Maximum height. Am I allowed to move the ironing board,

can I ask you again? All the information's on the task.

Listen, I know you're probably trying

to keep this level of communication to a minimum with

the other contestants but me and you are different. Are we?

There's a connection. Can you feel it?

Shh, close your eyes.

I felt it. Did you feel it?

You could really get some distance.

Uh, remember Neville Southall?

Yeah. Big lad, used to play for Everton. Big Nev.

This is for Neville Southall!

That's from there.

Yes, I've, I've logged that.

Logged that.

Yeah, I'd go.

All right, this is the first one.