Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ooh!

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Mm. Eurgh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow! Oh...

Hello, and a very warm welcome

to this landmark episode in Taskmaster history.

Today is our 100th episode.

Over the years, 65 brave competitors have completed over 500 tasks

and, as a result, I've handed out over 7,700 points

during my time as Taskmaster.

But I thought, on this special occasion,

I would shine a light on the unsung hero of the show,

my faithful assistant.

Tonight's all about Alex.

I know he gets nervous public speaking,

so I've prepared everything for him.

Alex, enjoy.

I look like a big human shrew.

Blow the thing.

Let's get on with the 100th show.

Your competitors are Alan Davies...

..Desiree Burch... APPLAUSE

..Guz Khan... APPLAUSE

..Morgana Robinson... APPLAUSE

..and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And the man who I know for a fact talcs his bot-bot before bed,

for the hundredth time, please welcome little Alex Horne.

Thanks, Greg. Hi, guys.

I was pleased with shrew. There's a resemblance.

That's the hundredth time you've introduced me.

And it's the hundredth time

we're going to have a bit of banter now, aren't we? Yes.

Well, I've done a visual representation of the 100 episodes.

OK. 100 yellow squares. The pink ones are my favourite episodes.

They're the three times you've praised me.

That's in the series. Oh!

Each time, it's been good boy.

And I wondered, cos I'm a GB, if I could do my party trick.

You most certainly may.

And it's quite a good party trick.

If you go to a party, this is how to get it going.

If I bend my middle finger on my left hand,

it makes quite a loud noise.

And we're off.

Wow...

Do you know the weird thing about that?

I was just thinking I'm starting to find your relationship quite erotic.

And then you did that thing with your finger, and...

And that's the thing that ruined it?

It was really starting to gel.

Ooh, well, what is the hundredth prize task?

Fittingly, the category is the most elegant thing beginning with G.

Oh. Of course, they can only really hope to bring in

the second most elegant thing beginning with G because you, Greg,

are the most elegant beginning with G by 100 miles.

You're so elegant.

Still, whoever brings in the next most elegant thing

that begins with G will be rewarded

with a big five point hand-out and, at the end of the episode,

the winner will take home five elegant G's.

Very good. Guz Khan.

Hello, bro. Talk to me about elegance. What have you brought in?

Well, this thing's really elegant. Have a look at this. Oh, right.

Here it is.

Oh, my gosh!

I was gifted this portrait from the BBC.

What?! Hold on, before you start your giggling, all right?

One of the first words that came to me was like,

"Psh, you're looking mad elegant, Guz." Yeah?

Who said that? Me to myself.

Why do you keep bringing prizes in that are pictures of you?

Look, I just...

I just want to say that I get given this stuff, yeah? Yeah.

And then I see it matches the task.

It is pretty elegant. Mm-hm.

I mean, I feel like I should score him down

because he keeps celebrating himself.

Yeah, I think people who have portraits of themselves,

Greg, that's... Yeah. It's A bit much sometimes. True.

Good point well made.

Um, Alan.

When we used to make the television programme QI at the now-defunct

London Studios, they gave me a dressing gown.

See? It's a G.

And, honestly, it's the most elegant thing I could find.

Here it is.

OK.

I mean, if we could've not seen the image...

..Alan was riding high.

I was talking a good game, wasn't I?

Yeah. But see it says AD, that's me.

But to try and make it a little bit more elegant,

I have added a brooch.

Inexpensive, but quite stylish.

It's a tatty dressing gown.

It's a tatty dressing gown...

Desiree. Yes? Can you beat a moth-eaten dressing gown...

Yeah, I can. ..that smells of farts? Yeah.

No, no, no, it's laundered. Freshly laundered.

OK.

What I brought in is a gardenia, and... Oh, OK.

Yes, gardenia. It's one of my favourite flowers, it's iconic,

it smells incredible, it is so finicky - it wants sunlight,

but also humidity, and no draughts, and it's totally worth it

when you actually have one sitting in a room.

Do you know what I'm hearing? What?

You talk a good game, but you've brought a flower in.

Yes, I did. But you said elegant.

I didn't bring in a farty dressing gown. It's not farty!

I brought in nature's... It's clean! ..elegance.

Alan... Alan, I can smell it from here.

OK, Morgana?

So I've brought in a Christmas decoration.

Uh-oh.

It's a giraffe. And it's glass,

so you get two G's for your money, and it means a lot to me. OK.

Oh, my gosh, I love it! I love it so much, it's on point.

Oh, my God! Thank you.

As if a giraffe could be any more elegant,

put some ballet shoes on it.

It's got a stunted neck.

Yeah, is that...? That's a horse.

I mean, arguably, the most elegant characteristic of the giraffe

is the neck.

And that... Guz is right. That's a curious horse.

Victoria, can you beat the worst thing I've ever seen?

I think so. I've brought a home-made thing, which is a toy that I made.

And I wasn't actually expecting it to be elegant.

Let's go. Home-made elegance?

Here we go. Good luck, Victoria.

Thank you.

And I sewed that.

I feel like you've lost your mind.

No.

What I thought I was making was the character Mr Greedy.

But it came out so elegant, it is in fact Greedy Esquire.

It's a one-eyed testicle.

Victoria, listen, across this series,

you have been consistently a sensational bullshitter.

But even you can't get your way out of this.

Right, then, Greg.

OK.

It's really hard cos I have a huge wave of affection

for Mr Greedy Esquire.

I have a huge amount of affection for the short-necked ballet giraffe.

I think Desiree's is the worst.

One point. Lovely.

Now, at the top of the tree, no problem. Ah.

I mean, the man's an egomaniac, but he's an elegant one.

Congratulations, Guz. Five points. Incredible.

Two points, but much admiration,

to Mr Greedy Esquire.

Three points, unbelievably,

to a short-necked giraffe.

And even more unbelievably,

I'm going to give four points to Alan

and, and I've got to be honest with you all,

I don't feel great about it.

There we go - five points to Guz Khan.

Off we go. Let's get this party started.

Yes, please, and what's a party without cake?

Mm.

Hello, Alex. You all right, mate?

Yes, please.

Stuff of nightmares. I mean, every time I see one of these,

I'm just like, "What kind of insanity will this throw me into?"

You guys are dumb!

Sit on a cake.

Sit on a cake?

Fastest wins.

Fastest wins. So it's not really about baking a cake, is it?

There are five bonus points for the best cake.

Are you giving points for if I went and sourced a Victoria sponge

from somewhere posh?

Or what it looks like after my ass has smushed it to pieces?

A point for the best cake.

Time starts now?

Sit on a cake!

I'm fascinated, Desiree, that you always read the task,

I've noticed, and are surprised when it's something silly.

I mean, I guess I'm just surprised by the level of silly. I don't know.

Sit on a cake?

Let's see how they did. Right.

Morgana and Guz are up first.

Will they have their cake and SEAT it? Let's find out.

Have you got any cakes hanging around?

Well, there's always a cake in the Taskmaster premises. Is there?

You got any cakes in here?

There's always a cake on the Taskmaster premises somewhere.

Thanks, buddy.

Is there a cake in here?

I don't know.

Or are there...? Like, is there a secret cake room?

Pardon?

A secret cake room? There might be a secret cake room.

It's the kind of thing you guys do.

I'm looking for cakes. Right.