Taskmaster

Ah! Uh... sppp.

Oooooh.

Is this a joke?

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

I like that.

Wow.

Oh, hello

and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I'm so drunk on power,

that my eyes sometimes spin round in different directions.

I'm so intoxicated by my own authority

that I sometimes rip my own shirt open,

and howl like the mighty wolf.

And I'm so inclined towards a diet of processed food,

that I'm at the high end

of the British Medical Association's obesity scale.

But, some people have it so much worse than me.

And those people are...

Alan Davies

Desiree Burch

Guz Khan

Morgana Robinson

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me

a man who once told me in private,

that he doesn't really like women,

because he thinks they've got a bit "too chopsy of late."

It's little Alex Horne.

You shouldn't really clap that. Shouldn't really clap it.

No. Well out of order, innit it? Boo.

"A bit chopsy" indeed.

OK. Well, I apologise

that in the private conversation that didn't happen,

I called all women "chopsy."

I also don't know what chopsy means.

You told me it meant unnecessarily talkative.

Come on then, let's have your banter.

Yes. Do you notice anything different about me? No.

I... am now left-handed.

See that? Yep.

What time is it? Oh!

It's on the other one.

What's wrong with you?

I read on social media all the time,

"Oh, the dynamic between them is just bullying."

"It's just old-fashioned bullying." Well, who wouldn't bully you?

Mate, you're quite right. I deserve it.

OK. Right.

Prize task. What's the category?

Well, it's The Most Awesome Square.

Greg will judge which square is the most awesome and give five points to its owner at the end of the ep

short for episode.

The win - short for winner,

will take five awesome squares H - short for home.

Hey, Desiree! Hey.

What's the most awesome square that you decided you'd bring in?

So, I decided I would bring in a fortune teller.

A paper fortune teller.

Which is just right here.

Ah. This is a square full of awesomeness.

You may remember these from grade school?

Yeah. Yes.

And I will give you a fortune if you would like to play. Oh.

So, pick a colour -

purple, orange, green or pink.

Um, pink, please. Pink. All right.

All right. Now, pick a number.

So, you can pick from pi, 69,

13, or Desiree's number.

Pi, please.

All right. Pi.

Your awesome fortune is...

...you will take a ride in a classic convertible on a warm spring day

and all the lights will change to green,

just before you reach them.

Oh. Doesn't that sound awesome?

You could have met the Obamas, if you had chosen better.

It's nonsense, isn't it?

Because I'd like to meet the Obamas, and I'd like to go for a lovely ride in a car, but...

It's an awesome square, full of awesome fortunes...

But, they're not... that you could awesomely have.

To make me a promise and then not to be able to deliver on it,

is the opposite of awesome.

All right, all right.

I'm slightly warmed by the idea I might meet the Obamas one day.

They seem like a great couple.

Really got their shit together.

Um... Morgana, can you beat that?

I brought in Albert Square. Oh.

Here's Albert Square in a snow globe.

I mean, you can't argue with it.

Is Albert Square awesome?

Of course it's awesome.

Is it awesome? It's part of the furniture.

I haven't watched Eastenders for a while,

but I remember Albert Square as being a fairly treacherous place to be.

I know that, you know, you're gonna piss off a lot of people at home

if you don't give me at least five points.

So be it.

135 residents of Albert Square have died so far.

35 murders, 20 car crashes,

two speedboat accidents.

Two.

Two speedboat accidents.

In central London.

They were two people in the same accident.

OK. That's pretty awesome.

Victoria, have you brought a better, more awesome square than Albert Square?

Yes, I have. I have brought

the triple word score from a Scrabble board.

Here it is.

It is the most awesome square on the Scrabble board.

It's the most awesome square in board-gaming.

Some would say, "What about the eighth square of a chess board?

"Where the pawn becomes a queen? That represents social mobility."

I say, "No."

This is a square

that trebles the points.

It's red. It physically resembles the second most awesome square,

Mr Strong - from the Mr Men.

He's the most awesome of the Mr Men.

Not the sexiest. That would be Mr Messy after he's had the blow dry.

You know when he goes all smooth? And, in a world where you respect

the scoring game as the highest form,

which you must do, to be doing this nonsense,

you must say that the triple word score

would be the most awesome square.

I mean, the fact that I've been seduced into thinking that

a square from Scrabble

is more exciting than a speedboat accident,

is impressive, Victoria. Well done.

Who can beat it?

Alan. I've made a square.

Good. We like initiative.

Which I painted

and then I cut out, rather like I'd kidnapped it.

I cut out letters from magazines

that say, "An awesome square."

But, cunningly,

there's an extra surprise,

because, it's actually three litres of rose.

Here it is. It's a wine box.

And that...

Ohhhh.

And that is the killer blow.

I mean, honestly,

it's a pretty awesome square.

Um, technically a box, or a cube.

A square's two-dimensional.

- Come on. - That's just true.

We could have all gone out and gotten rose, now, couldn't we not?

Technically it's 17.5cm by 18.5cm,

so, it's a rectangle. Ohhhh.

It's very difficult to find

wine boxes in a square form.

There is a thing called a wine cube,

which I could have paid import tax on, to bring over from the United States.

I mean, the fact you did the research, is enough for me.

Brilliant

and heartbreaking.

Guz.

This is much less about me,

more the individual behind it.

But, there's a lovely geezer called Sam Osmond

and he inboxed me on social media,

and he said, "I like what you do.

"So, can I send you a gift?"

It turns out, it was a square.

And I would like you to have a look, please, at this.

Oh, that is dope. That's dope.

That is proper.

She's right. It's dope.

It's hard not to say that's the most awesome square.

OK. Ready?

I'm ready. You're not gonna like this.

Who? Me?

No, Desiree. Oh.

Gets one point.

And I think Eastenders is an institution,

but I don't think that square's positive,

I think it's a square that people should avoid.

I can only give you two points, I'm afraid.

It's absolute flannel, but it's beautifully spoken flannel,

Victoria takes three points.

OK? Thank you.

And, um, you know, who am I to say that Alan's tragic wine box

is better than Guz Khan's actual face?

But, I'm not. So, four points to Alan.

OK. Five points. Guz Khan.

Well deserved.

Lovely.

Right now. Let's have a look at a task proper, shall we?

I think we should. And I think it should be the first team task of the series.

And it should be a monumental one.

And here it is.

Jesus.

Hello.

You look nice.