Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Ha-ha!

No way!

Erm... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Blah! Urgh!

Uhh. Are you having a laugh?

Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster.

This is the new Olympics

and I am the flaming torch running through your cities

and igniting your passion for tasks.

But who are these taskletes throwing themselves into

the competition at the direct expense of their dignity,

I hear you cry?

Well, pipe down! I'll tell you.

Wow.

They are Ardal O'Hanlon...

..Bridget Christie...

..Chris Ramsey,

Judi Love

and Sophie Duker.

And next to me - he's my assistant, he's consistent,

persistent and his bed has to be water resistant.

It's little Alex Horne.

I'll take that.

All right, then.

Oh, no, what a week it's been.

Oh, has it?

A nightmare. Awful. Oh, gosh, what's happened in your week?

Well, I was shopping on the internet, as you know I love to do.

I know you do.

Oh, and I accidentally clicked "select all" on Amazon.

I've got everything. Bought everything.

Disaster. I've got most of it here.

I've got like a meat thermometer.

Got lots of stuff, do you want to see? Yeah, I do want to see.

I've got like a Bunsen burner.

Uh, got, uh, got a one-egg... One-egg frying pan.

Lots of stuff.

What terrifies me about this is you'll have thought

of this hilarious joke. Hmm?

And then you will have brought in actual things from your home.

For want of a more sophisticated response,

the guy's a prick.

Right, Prize Task time. Let's crack on.

Yes, I suppose so,

and I suppose the category for episode three is

the item that sounds funniest when you say its name over

and over again.

OK? So we're going to hear some words said quite a lot

and I, for one, am laughing already.

The one that tickles the Taskmaster the most will get five points.

Now, at the end of the show, some lucky,

lucky person will take home five items that are funny

to say their names of lots of times.

Right. Hello, Sophie. Hello.

Have you brought in a funny word?

I've brought in some perfectly ordinary tweezers.

Here they are. Here are the tweezers here. There they are.

They're tweezers for the tweezing of a specific avian creature -

the pheasant. Ah. Here's the pheasant.

She's brought that in as well. Here's a real pheasant.

God, they're not how I've imagined them. Yeah.

So they're not actually tweezers,

they're actually pheasant pluckers.

And there are the pheasant pluckers.

Yeah, the groan is the correct response.

Let's go. What, oh, you want me to...

You want me to say it? The purpose of this task is

you've brought in your funny word, now I want to see if...

Oh, I thought you were going to say it. No.

Pheasant plucker, pheasant plucker, pheasant plucker! Pheasant plucker.

He's not a pheasant plucker!

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it far more than I thought I was going to.

Chris. What's your, uh, word?

Wow. Um, I have brought in this.

And this is a cook book.

This is a regional response.

Cook book.

It is quite good.

I... I would argue he could bring in most things.

Let's go, Chris.

Cook book. Cook book? Cook book. Cook book. Cook book?

Cook book. Cook book! Cook book.

I don't know whether it's cook... It's not bad.

Cook book or whether it's his cheeky Geordie smile that's there.

Right, Ardal, what have you brought in?

I've brought in bubbles!

GREG GASPS Yes, here they are.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.

If you're angry, even you go, "Bubbles!"

Like, it's still funny and kind of makes you less angry,

or if you're... If you're sad and you go, "Bubbles."

Would you mind going through

the full range of emotions while you repeat the word bubbles?

Perhaps you could start on angry and work towards joyful.

Let's say you can't find any crisps or something and you go, "Bubbles!"

Yeah. OK.

And then you get morose and your blood sugars go down and...

"Bubbles."

But it... It's what it conjures up!

I mean, it conjures up children's parties and champagne and hot tubs.

Yeah! And, you know, sipping champagne in the hot tub. Yes!

And farting in the hot tub. "More bubbles!" Yeah. Wow.

Bubbles on bubbles!

Uh, Judi.

Yes.

What thing have you brought in?

I've brought in pickles.

Yes, a jar of pickles.

LAUGHTER There we go.

So it's not a bad prize haul so far. It's not bad.

Who doesn't like a lovely pickle? Exactly.

Ah, well, I look forward to you repeatedly saying the word pickle.

Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle! Hmm.

Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

Would you mind slowing... Me said pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle.

Me said pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle,

pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

Me said I want the pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

Surely that gets a damn point or something.

It's got something. It's got something!

Bridget, you've got your work cut out.

Stopcock.

Yes, she's brought, I think for the first time in TV quiz history,

the winner will win a stopcock. Right.

There it is.

I put it to you, Bridget, that

you've deliberately chosen a stopcock

because it's got the word cock in it.

And, therefore, you've lowered yourself to my level.

I want to hear stopcock repeatedly.

Stopcock, st-stopcock, stop COCK, stop, stopcock, stop...

Babes, don't go on your knees. Stopcock, stop...

No, no, no, no.

Stopcock...

Stop, stopcock! Stop, stopcock, stop, stopcock.

Stopcock! Stopcock! LAUGHTER

Stopcock.

Stopcock! Stop, stopcock!

STOPCOCK!

Get back. Get back!

Get the fire marshall in! Stop!

Shut the show down!

Stopcock. And now...

And now, sorry, just to defuse the tension in the room,

could we all just say, "Bubbles."

Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha. Bubbles!

Right, Greg. Points?

I'm sorry, pleasant fucker didn't do it for me.

Pleasant fucker? Come on.

LAUGHTER Ah!

Oh! Yes!

She's got you. She got you.

She got me. She got me good.

I'm going to have to take her up from bottom place.

Ah. What? Wow.

I'm going to give Sophie two points. Yes, yes.

I'm going to give cook book and bubbles three points each.

OK, so joint third, we have Ardal and Chris.

Pickles got me straight away. Mmm.

But now I feel I was battered down by stopcock.

Well...

Um, four points to stopcock.

Pickles was a pure attempt. She takes the five.

Five points to Judi Love.

Right, we're off.

Right. What's first, Alex?

Well, the cast are going to teach you a lesson, Greg.

A history lesson. Ooh.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Judi. Hello, Sophie.

Hello, Alex.

You look nice. Pardon?

You look nice. SHE MUMBLES

You've never said that before. Thank you.

I've never thought it before.

I'm very good at finding the actual task.

"Accurately and emotionally recreate a great moment from history."

"Using these two traffic cones."

"Most accurate and emotional recreation wins."

"You've got 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, my God.

You know your history?

It's just everything that's not now, isn't it?

Ahh. Something from history.

Joan of Arc.

Martin Luther King or...

I'm free.

I was thinking about doing the moment from the VMAs.

Maybe you be Janet Jackson and I'll be Justin Timberlake.

With the malfunction? Yeah.

That was a big moment. That was a big moment.

Oh, I've got it. Ah.

I'm going to need some props.

Oh, I see what you mean.