Taskmaster

Hello, I am Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

In this show, I, Greg Davies,

make some accomplished but needy comedians do stupid things for me.

Why? Because I can. I'm a powerful man.

Look at me. Thank you.

They have no idea how each other did, but they will soon find out.

I shall be judging both what they did, and how they did it.

My word is final. The contestants will definitely respect me.

Let's meet them now.

First: he's wearing a suit because he's both professional

and from a different generation to the others.

It's Fr--

It's the very smart Frank Skinner.

Secondly, a man who's chosen not to wear a suit

and who clearly needs a haircut, Josh Widdicombe.

Next up, a woman I once genuinely witnessed

calling for her mum because she'd seen a mouse. Roisin Conaty.

A man who has quickly gained a reputation in comedy

for being livid all the time, Romesh Ranganathan.

Finally, a future poet laureate

if some massive poet disaster happens.

Tim Key!

And as always, I am both aided and fluffed

by my personal assistant, Alex Horne.

- Shall we have a little bit of banter? - OK.

So, thanks for giving me this opportunity.

You're welcome.

So, Alex, tell us about the first task.

OK. Well, I think you're tremendous, and as always, the first task...

is the prize task. Each of the contestants

have brought in one of their own possessions

for the prize haul, and they're going to be awarded points

depending on how impressed you are by them.

Yeah.

Yes. And tonight, you've asked them to bring in their most unusual item.

And that's what I'll be scoring this first round on, then.

How unusual their unusual item is.

Frank Skinner, what was your unusual item that you decided to donate?

Um, I have brought in a pair of grape scissors.

And yes, they have grapes on their shaft.

When I first saw them, I thought they were

haemorrhoid tweezers, but no.

Has anyone in this room ever heard of grape cutters before?

Yeah? Huh, doesn't sound that unusual, Frank.

Josh, what did you bring in?

I brought in a football signed by the Plymouth Argyle squad

that lost in the Division 2 1994 playoff semi-finals.

Did they use invisible ink?

I don't know what's happened to the signatures. It's... it's unusual!

It's the most unusual "signed" football I've ever seen.

Roisin, what did you bring in?

I found this old tramp poet and he carves on benches, and I found him sitting

next to the bench that he'd just carved into, and I took a photo.

That is from a trip that Roisin and I had to the seaside recently

where I paid for lunch and the petrol.

So, interesting that you would...

- You didn't pay for lunch. - Eh?

- You didn't pay for lunch. - Yeah, I did.

You let a tramp pay for your lunch?

I was gonna put you in last place,

but Romesh has just snatched that from you

before I even know what he's brought in.

What have you brought in?

Uh, I've brought in a snow globe

that features my children Photoshopped as little Santas.

It was given to me as a Christmas present from my sister-in-law.

I think we can all agree it's the shittest present in the history of mankind.

I get presented that picture in a snow globe

which has very few of those little granules. You know the granules?

The snow density is piss poor. Like you have to shake it for ages

and it's only floating for about half... two seconds maximum.

It's awful.

Is it signed?

- All three of them are signed. - OK, yeah.

A snow globe isn't an unusual item, but your fury is.

Yeah, but snow globes featuring my three children,

there's only 250, 300.

Tim Key, what did you bring in?

Reindeer skull.

That, my friends, is how to play this game.

OK, let's not mess around. A clear winner.

The winner of round one, ladies and gentlemen: Mr. Tim Key.

And ladies and gentlemen, there are all of the unusual prizes.

They're up there on the balcony, and the winner of this competition

will have to take all of that shit home.

So let's get these onto the leaderboard.

OK, so who have you got in second place, Greg?

I've got, well, the grape scissors. They're insane.

OK, and third?

Ugh, you know. Snow globe.

Alright, and so you've got a picture of yourself in fourth.

Yes, of course, and I would put that last if I could, but the football

- was so bad, I have to-- - What?!

It's an unsigned football, Josh.

I've brought in a signed football,

you've rubbed off the signatures and put me last!

That's harsh.

Which all means...

the scoreboard looks like this.

Josh Widdicombe in last place, Tim Key in first place.

On with the next task, the first task proper.

This took place in my lab at my Taskmaster retreat

and for good reason.

I'll put this on, first of all.

I'll be honest, this feels a bit kinky.

Used to be a guy in my village who used to wear one of these.

Is this my task?

I feel like I'm back at school in science lessons.

I really need my reading goggles.

"In the lab, there is a watermelon."

"Eat as much watermelon as possible."

"You have one minute. Your time starts when you open the door to the lab."

I'm allergic to watermelon.

What's frustrating is that I just ate one in my dressing room.

Uh, I love watermelon, I'm a big fan of it.

But, you know, I'm sure it's going to be ruined by this experience.

If you were in any doubt about the tone of this show, now you know.

There's five comedians being forced to eat as much watermelon as they can

whilst wearing a white boiler suit.

Josh, we're gonna see you first. Are you a melon fan?

Um, yeah, you know.

Fine. Seven out of ten.

It's quite a strange question, isn't it?

Let's have a look at Josh's attempt, bearing in mind

the task is to eat as much watermelon as you can in the time allowed.

OK, so I'm worried I'm going to get in there

and there's going to be a watermelon sitting on a table.

So I need some kind of carving knife or knife.

I mean, I don't know how you do better than that.

I'll show you afterwards, if you like.

You know, I was impressed that you used implements,

but I didn't think there was much sense of urgency there.

I've seen my grandmother eating melon and it seemed a similar sort of pace.

I've seen your grandmother eating melon.

You've seen my grand- mother eating melon, right?

She loves it, you know. You were just nibbling away at it.

I said I quite liked melon. There's the proof!

I thought I'd done well!

I'll be honest with you, I think you've slowed down the footage.

I wouldn't put it past you.

No, you did alright.

In one minute, you ate 218 grams of watermelon.

That's the equivalent of ten mice, if you can imagine that.

- That's pretty good! - It's good.

Just to calm you down a little bit, any antagonism

between you and I over this issue is all scripted.

Let's see the master, Frank Skinner.

OK, here we go.

Not so much scope for banter.

Before we get onto that amazing technique, I mean, there's a lot of

ageist references to Frank being the oldest member of the panel.

I want you to have a look at Frank in a white boiler suit

because we're of the opinion that he looks 12 years of age.

"Can I clear any melon up for you, sir?"

Frank, such an impressive start.

Yeah, well I'd forgotten my watermelon scissors.

And the truth is, it had not occurred to me that it would

be a bright idea to get a knife or anything like that.

I was just gonna-- I was prepared to tangle with it from the off.

My feeling is that Frank probably gobbled

a lot more melon than Josh Widdicombe.

No, not at all, he ate 179 grams.

That's the equivalent of nine mice or ten smaller mice.

But less, just less.

- Who's next? - Roisin Conaty.

Let's see how Conaty handled the melon.

Oh!

Oh, I need a thing, I need some sort of hammer.

Can I get a hammer? A knife? Shall I go and get it?

I would.

Well, is there any of this? No...

You've got 36 seconds, Roisin.

Oh, God.

A bigger one, a bigger one.

This drawer, this drawer.

I've always wanted to do this. Such a shame...

That wasn't fair.

I mean, I just grazed it.

I've got so many questions.

I guess my first question is, you knew before you went into that room

that the challenge was to eat as much melon as possible,

and yet your reaction to seeing a melon on the table was

"Oh!"

"Oh, clever twist!"

I thought it was gonna be free prepared melon.

I didn't think I had to cut a watermelon.

I thought it was going to be a massive bowl of melon and just keep eating.

Like a melon buffet, I thought there was--

Like a melon buffet? That's not a thing!

How many seconds had passed before Roisin started to eat melon?

- 54 seconds. - 54 seconds.

I don't want to be negative, but I have eaten that much melon

by walking past a fruit stand.

How much melon did Roisin Conaty eat?

I've put it in Rolos. She ate one Rolo. Nine grams.

Lovely.

I know we're all having fun, but this thing is funded

by adverts, so we've got to stop for a while.

See you soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.