Men with Guns

That was our Trev on the phone. She's on her way now.

Then it's Kelly and Shaun from Kelly's mum's at 3:30,

and then it's me, you, the gang and the open road, mate.

You moving out? Say again.

I said, are you moving out, duck?

No, what you on?

Why have you packed so many bags?

It's for the rave. We're only there for one night.

You said it was a nighter so I've brought enough for...

Yeah, a nighter. Not a yearer.

Yeah, but, if you think about it logically,

it's a day, a night, and then another day and then...

If you're thinking about it logically,

you need underpants, condoms and drugs.

They're in the odds and sods bag over there.

That's all you need, then, brother. That's all you need. Yeah, but...

We need provisions, mate. Provisions? Like him?

He coming?

Is he coming? Doesn't have to come.

I weren't set on him.

There's a fucking bag within a bag here. That's a bag inside a bag.

It's for souvenirs, mate.

In case we see owt for Lolly, Woody and the kids and that.

We're not going to American Adventure.

We're not going to get a picture of your chops going down the log flume.

We're going to a rave. We're going to get out our heads, have a mash up.

I'm just trying to think in case we stay, in case we end up somewhere.

You've thought way too much on this, man.

Way too fucking much.

I'm going to go for a wank

and a shit and a bath.

Downsize it a little bit.

Condense it down a bit, brother, because that's just ridiculous.

Ergh.

That was a bit of a wild one last night, weren't it?

Yeah.

You was a bit wild, anyway.

Do you want me to do some breakfast? I can do a banging bacon butty.

No, mate, honestly, I've really got to go.

Fucking hell, is that the time? Yep.

Well, can I get your number or summat?

I'm...

I'm never really situated in the same, like, place

so that probably wouldn't really work.

Have I done summat wrong?

No. No. Not at all.

I just work with my mum and my sister

and they're going to fucking flip so I'd better go.

Nice to meet you, Stu.

Is it there?

Yeah.

Well, come on. Get it open. We can't eat our dinner till we know.

What if it's a no?

It won't be a no. It'll be a positive.

You were the star pupil on that drama course, Shaun.

Word travels fast, don't it? It does, yeah.

Well, as long as you know that I tried even if it is a no.

Brilliant. It's a no.

What?

Little sod! He'll have me at it all day.

We're sorry to inform you that, after much consideration,

we can't offer you a place on the photography course

due to the manner in which you left the drama course

back in January, 1989. That's a bloody mistake. It has to be.

It's not a mistake, is it? It's right. I left the course.

It's a different course, Shaun. They've...

It doesn't matter what course it is. It's the same college.

Shaun, you was in bits over Michelle. It doesn't matter.

Like they give a fuck about that. They're not bothered.

I'm going to get Dr Lenny to have a word with...

No, you're not. Shaun, you was on anti-depressants.

It doesn't matter. You didn't just bloody swan off.

It doesn't matter. They're not going to take it into consideration.

Just leave it at that. It does matter.

It doesn't fucking matter! How many times?

It's my fucking life! Not yours! It's my fault!

I walked off the fucking course and I'm not bothered!

I did it to get you off my back anyway! Fine. Look, just calm down.

I don't care! Fine. I don't care!

OK. Now calm down, Shaun.

Shaun, love, I'm sorry. All right, I won't say anything.

It's just the injustice of it, love. It's not right.

It doesn't matter, Mum. It says no. End of.

Gadge, what have we got here?

Survival gear, Trev.

Cousin's in the air cadets so he taught me a thing or two.

We're only going for a day.

Yeah, but, I've heard about these raves, Trev.

Go for a day thinking, "Yeah,"

you end up at another party, another party, another party.

Some people end up in Ibiza and everything, mate.

Yeah, all right, Gary.

You haven't listened, have you, mate? Yeah, I have.

There's still a load of shit here. There's still a massive pile of shit.

Mate, that's like half of what you said I couldn't take.

It doesn't matter. There's still too much there, brother. Way too much.

It's all essential. I can't believe what I'm looking at.

This is what Trev's got. That's it. That's what you've got.

You're a bloke. We need it! What do we need here?

That bag is your sleeping bag, mate. Let's get what we need.

Let's get your... Sleeping bag, yeah. We need that. Necessity.

We need a tent to sleep in, don't we? Necessity.

But, in terms of, like, pig chow, sweets...

Mate, we need them, mate, for the road.

Harvey, don't be a dick! Fuck off, mate.

That's my sweets, mate! One bag of sweets, made!

Large G&T, please. No problem.

There you are, love. Thanks. Thank you.

There you are. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers.

Right, that's me done. All right, cheers.

What's up?

What?

So what am I going to do about Kelly?

Don't be too hard on her, Lol.

She has to do from nine to one, Mum, yeah? Who can't do them hours?

She's just struggling a bit at the minute.

Struggling with what? What?

Look, she's going away this weekend.

One final blow out with Gadge and Harvey and that. Oh, God.

I'll sit her down on Sunday, have a proper good word with her. I promise.

She'll be here on time every fucking day next week with bells on.

Yeah? Yeah, fine.

You still on for the barbecue later? Yeah, definitely.

Want me to bring owt? No. You're good.

See you later. Nice one. Thanks, Mum. See ya.

Mate, just give her five minutes. We'll find her.

We can't go without her, can we, Harv? You're being a nob.

We can, boss. That's the thing. We can.

Are you taking the piss? Come on.

I had my mix in here. Where is it?

She's just forgot that we told her hers.

She's probably stood outside Shaun's. No, she's there.

Oh, there she is, Harv.

3:30 at your mum's, Kel. What?

3:30 at your mum's. Nice one. Where the fuck were you?

At the pub. Wicked. Nice one.

Are you getting in? Weren't it 4:30 at Shaun's?

No. It was 3:30 at your mum's.

Get in, then. Erm...

Swing by mine and I'll get ready.

Absolutely not, no. I'll have a shower.

I'll literally be two seconds and I'll come straight out.

Not happening. Get in the car or don't get in the car.

My outfit's on the bed. We've been driving round for an hour.

Get in the car or fuck off. Just get in. You're not coming.

Come on. You're taking the piss? Absolutely not. Can we go?

I'll be one second. I'll go in, I'll have a quick...

Listen, you great frigging twat, get in the car now.

I've been driving round for a fucking hour. Get in the car.

Kel, just get in the car. Come on. Get in the fucking car.

So I'm going to go like this? Yeah.

I'm not fucking arguing with you. I'm going. Bye, bye, bye.

Hold on, then. Stop being such a prick. Thank you.

Budge up, you fat...

Budge up, then, you fucking ginge minge.

I'm the only one that's not said owt.

Hold on! I'm not even in the car!

Have you got a drink? Right.

Who likes salmonella?

Yeah!

Who likes violent illness?

Yeah!

Who likes throwing up?

Doo-dee-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!

Yeah, that's cool. Doing well, there.

How far can you slide down? Whoo!

Oh, you big boy. Have you brought them out?

How are you, sweetheart? I'm all right.

Give us a kiss.

You've got ketchup on your...

Don't be like that. Get out of it!

Don't embarrass me! Get off! Don't embarrass me!

Oh, careful.

What are you doing? Tried to kiss me.

You've got tomato sauce all in your...

Yeah, he just kissed me, as well.

Is it bad? How bad is it out of ten?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You've ruined the day!

Take a peek on these sweeties. Oh, amazing. Double barrels.

Just like a shotgun.

We'll go full. Me and you, we'll go full, Gadget.

Mate, mate, one at least. Girls, you go halves on one.

Nah, I reckon I could drop one of them.

Shaun the prawn, you have a 16th.

Yeah?

Give it a nibble, see what you think. Serious.

I know what you're trying to do.

Mate, honestly, it's like nothing else you've ever had.

It's not like this shit. It just makes you...

Makes you want to hug the world, basically.

This is what you feel like. This is it. All of the time. All the time.

Just love, man. Just love. Gay, straight, love.

You just want to love.

You want to mix with other people in love.

Now, then, is everyone full off impetigo burgers? Yeah, bloody hell.

I feel sick but... It's just as well.

You'll notice I didn't eat much during that whole affair.

Yeah, because you didn't want to get ill. I didn't want to get ill.

That's correct. But we will. There's a reason for not wanting to get ill