Tires

So that was the guys.

And

here's your office.

Huh?

Go on. Give it a try.

Oh yeah.

Fits you well.

It smells weird in here.

Uh, it's just the tires and the fumes. You'll get used to it.

- Is that bad for me? - I don't know.

- No one does. - How can no one know?

Ah! You are gonna be great.

All you gotta do is remember,

get the door open at 7:00 a.m., lock it at 7:00 p.m.

Then Kilah will show you how to do the close out

at the end of each day.

Okay.

Hey, you see that? Huh?

"Best of West Chester, 2019."

Mm! A couple of years,

maybe you'll add a few more plaques to this wall, huh?

Hey.

You can't cry in here, Will.

I'm not crying.

But I might cry. Fuck!

Hey, Will?

You're gonna be great, buddy.

It's just for a little while.

To get back up on your feet.

You got this.

- -

- Jesus Christ! -

- I fucked my hand up real bad! Help! -

Jesus Christ, Shane!

Will, call 911!

I've never done that before! Shane! Hold on!

Are you okay? What happened?

No, I'm hurt. I'm bleeding so fucking bad. Please!

I'm calling 911!

Ah!

Are you serious?

911, what is your emergency?

- - Dad!

- Did you actually call? - Yeah!

- Are you, crazy? - It's ketchup. I'm fucking with you.

That's not funny! I just called 911!

- Should I call them back? - Will, it's fine.

Sorry to hear about your job, man. That sucks.

- Yeah, well, thank you. - Uncle Jon, I'm gonna go home.

- I got fucking ketchup all over me. - No.

You crying?

No, I'm not crying!

- Crying on your first day? - Don't you have something better to do?

What'd you say?

You're gonna love it here.

- Ready to get to work? - We gotta put blinds on those windows.

Yeah, we'll get right on it.

- Shut up. -

- Shane! - What are you doing in there?

- Uh, business. - Business?

- You sure you're not jacking off? - No! My laptop's closed.

- You don't need that to jack off to guys. - Yes, I do.

Okay. Shane.

Does it have a tail?

- Yes. - Does it fly?

No.

- Does it stand upright? - Yes.

Does it live underground?

No.

So it's not Jewish people?

- No. - That doesn't narrow it down.

Come on.

Shane, Phil's here.

Shane?

- Ah! Oh, that was great. - That was so good.

Buenos días, amigos.

Oh God, why does he bring her everywhere?

Hi, guys.

- Hey, Bonnie. - Hey, Bonnie, how you doing?

It's really nice to see you again.

It's good to see you.

So you, uh, decided not to wear the new shirt?

Oh, no, we went back to the old ones.

- Okay. - It looks... it looks good on you.

- The color's nice. - Thank you, Bonnie.

And, Will, you look very dapper.

I mean, was that tailored? It looks bespoke.

It was actually tailored.

Yeah, 'cause I sort of have, like, a weird body,

so shirts typically hang down past my hands,

so I have to have the sleeves taken up.

He's got a fucked-up body. We try not to bring it up.

No, no.

So, Will, Shane, let's hit the office. Talk some business.

Great. You gals have fun.

- Bye, guys. Bye, Shane. - See you, Bonnie.

- Bye, Bonnie. - Bye.

Okay. Kilah, tell me everything that has been going on with you.

Where to begin?

Okay, fellas, we gotta talk.

Business is shit.

I agree, and that's why I think we should do a commercial.

A commercial?

Given that we're in the shit, I think we need to table that idea.

I think the commercial's actually a good idea,

and I've got a bunch of other marketing ideas...

I have a marketing idea.

Today, you are gonna shitcan Mike Weir.

- Mike? - Yeah.

Firing Mike Weir is a solid business move.

Yeah, but...

His store's been under performing for several months,

and he has been warned multiple times.

I... I... I know. It's just that Mike is a good guy.

- Mike's the man. - He's gotta go.

It's just, you know, is it his fault? Is it a lack of car count?

How long's Mike worked here?

- Twenty years. - Forever.

You think he needs a little bit more time

to figure out how to run his location successfully?

Did you get your fucking ear pierced?

Yes, I got my ear pierced, amongst other piercings.

- Ew. - Like your nipples?

- That's a logical choice. - Did you get your dick pierced?

Do you guys not like Bonnie?

- What? No! - Bonnie's fine.

- We love Bonnie. - Yeah.

- I really wanna talk to you about Mike. - She thinks you don't like her.

Does she actually think that, or is Mercury in retrograde?

Shane, she is on a spiritual path.

It's not a spiritual path. It's made-up bullshit.

You're dating a gypsy. You're dating a witch.

Okay, Bonnie is not a witch.

She's kind of a witch. Look, dude, she's casting a spell on Kilah right now.

The fuck is that?

- Ah, you're just jealous. - I'm not fucking jealous.

Phil, we love Bonnie. She's not a witch. At worst, she's a little spooky.

- But... - Spooky is sexy, and I'll take it. Great.

Everybody likes Bonnie. We'll get a meal. We'll all get caught up.

- But... - Good. Handle Mike Weir.

Wait, wait. No, hold on a sec. Phil, I just... Just really quick.

Let me talk to you about that. About Mike, he's such a good guy.

He's worked for my dad for 20 years, came to my high school graduation.

I wouldn't bring any of that shit up whenever you're firing him.

Will, I know it's a tough assignment,

but you wanted more responsibilities around here. This is it.

I'll make you a deal. Do the Mike Weir thing,

and then we'll revisit some of your marketing ideas. How's that?

Listen, tell me the truth.

Does the earring look weird?

No, I think the earring looks cool. Harrison Ford has an earring.

He does?

Fuck!

Bonnie, we're out of here.

- See you, Bonnie. - Bye, Mommy.

- Shane, don't call her Mommy. - Okay, Daddy.

I thought he said Bonnie? "Mommy?"

- -

My name is Dave, and I'm a sex addict.

For years, I was having relations outside of my marriage.

I abused pornography.

And I routinely kissed strippers on the mouth.

I used to think that stuff was cool, you know?

I used to think it was really cool to rent a luxury SUV,

put on a pair of sunglasses,

and hook up with a 24-year-old nail tech on her lunch break.

That's not cool.

Not cool, man.

It's really not. It's not cool at all. It is not cool in any way, shape, or form.

What's cool is a commitment to your family.

Uh, to your... the... the vows that you

took as a young man. Some might say too young.

But that's neither here nor there. You took them.

And these aren't just words. I, for over six months,

have been faithful.

Now, that's not to say that I'm perfect.

I mean, last week, uh,

Julie was kind enough to share her story

about the lesbian experience she had with a friend

and her husband walking in,

and I know that was very traumatic for you,

but it was hard for me to hear as well.

And, sure, I feel your pain, but I also can't help but feel like

this little nagging thought that said to me,

"What if I was the husband?"

And what if, instead of a huge fight ensuing,

what if both girls were pretty pumped?

"Oh, Dave's here!" And like, "Oh, this is awesome!"

This actually has elevated this experience,

and they're kind of fighting not amongst each other

but to see who is gonna get to unzip my pants first.

That would be awesome.

I mean, it's not awesome 'cause of what it leads to.

It erodes your family and that stuff, but I think, in the moment,

that would be awesome just to experience, like, from a molecular standpoint.

You know what? Sorry. I'm being selfish. At the end of the day, I'm happy I'm here,

and it has been six months of just... just wonderful monogamy,

and that's the right choice for me.

And I am s... I'm so happy to be here, and I'm taking it one day at a time.

Okay.