Tires

Hi, Dad. It's Will.

Call me back when you get a chance.

I'm sure you've heard by now.

Maybe Dave mentioned it, but I ordered a few too many tires.

I'm calling to let you know it's not the end of the world

'cause I did get quite a good discount on account of

people don't typically order this many tires.

Um, but we're also making a lot of progress here.

We're doing a lot of team building.

No offense.

Your idea fucking sucks.

I've got a lot of very happy customers.

Where is my car?

You don't know what you're doing, do you?

This is the worst customer experience I've ever had.

Stop doing that! This lady is really upset!

And, um, you know, I've got some ideas

that I wanted to talk to you about.

Good ideas. You know, marketing ideas.

Which... The guys here love them.

It's not awful.

- It's awful. - It's not awful!

And we might not need to return these tires

because of the marketing ideas.

We might be able to sell 'em.

You can't tell me all the time... You're always...

So call me back when you get a chance, and I'll talk to you soon.

All right, Dad. Love you. Bye.

To send your message, press one.

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Message erased.

Hi, Dad. It's Will.

I'm good. How are you?

Fuck my stupid cunt!

To send your message, press one. To era...

Message sent.

Fuck!

Goodbye.

Hold it. You got a reporter?

The reporter is coming to write a puff piece

about our new women's initiative,

which is, we're bringing women here

to make them feel comfortable.

Women are a totally untapped market.

For now, dude. We're about to tap 'em.

Okay, none of that. No. We're going to corner the market for women.

We're gonna corner 'em?

No, no, no! We need to be better at talking to women when they come here.

- I can make women comfortable. Easily. - Okay. Okay.

- You do it. Watch. - So, hi, sir.

Sup?

I'd like to get an oil change.

Let's get you some lobsters and shrimp.

Why talk to me like that? I have a boyfriend.

You got a boyfriend? He's making you bring your car in here?

Sounds like it's a little, uh... a little shaky.

It's not shaky.

Are you sure?

You look good.

I would treat you right.

Man like me, fine piece of ass like you...

Okay, guys.

Cal, I need you to take some tires into the shop. And, Kilah...

Kilah, I need you to come out here and help move the tires into the back!

We're gonna make a woman lug tires into the back?

Women aren't mules, dude. They're not donkeys.

I said no such thing as mules, donkeys, women.

It's just Kilah. She works here. She's paid.

I'd really like you to respect the initiative.

I still don't know how we're supposed to respect the initiative.

It... it... it means that women feel comfortable coming here.

And then the idea is...

We make 'em comfortable coming.

- Don't! -

- Do not talk to the reporter. - It's gonna be a good day.

Uh, yeah, I hope so.

I hope it's not a bad day. What do you think the worst day is?

- The worst day? - Yeah.

I don't know. Probably the day the Jews were...

- Whoa! - What the fuck, man?

What the fuck are you talk... I was talking about Mondays.

I was Garfield.

Oh.

You're all set.

Thank you for shopping at Valley Forge Automotive.

We hope you felt comfortable the entire time, and we love you.

Shane!

- How was that? - That was bad.

You cannot be out here today when the reporter shows up.

- That wasn't good? - No.

What about this next time...

Welcome to Valley Forge.

We want women to feel really comfortable and good and safe with us.

- - Huh?

Okay, that's kind of a good serial killer thing,

but those are the types of jokes...

I don't know if the reporter will get those jokes.

All right. I won't go in there.

Good.

I might go in there.

- Don't! - What if I go in there with you?

Dude, she's fucking gay. She's a lesbian...

Oh no. The wops.

What's the matter with you?

The job is lesbianic, but her behavior towards me was not of a lesbian.

That's her...

Go around back!

- Hey! Speaking of lesbos! - Hey!

- Go around back! - Go around?

Yes!

All right. Okay.

- Thank you. - Jesus!

- Ah, here he is. - Hey, what the fuck was that all about?

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to keep the customer area clear today.

Will's got a reporter coming today.

- Nice, dude. - Is she hot?

It's actually a guy.

Oh shit, so it's serious.

- Congratulations. This is incredible. - That fucking rules.

- Thank you. Yeah. - It's big for the shop.

No wops out front. It's a no-go zone for you guys.

- - Treat it like a bath.

Oh! You guys hear our new commercial?

Yeah.

Come down to Andiamo Auto Sales! Our prices are low!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- You name it, we got it! - Jesus!

Dude, turn that off.

It's the best one you'll see...

What the fuck was that?

Really obnoxious.

Loud, right?

Yeah, people fucking hate it.

Yeah. We hated it. I hated it.

- Did you really? - Yep.

- But was it memorable? - It's all I've been thinking about.

Let's go!

That's what I'm talking about. Mission accomplished.

- Genius marketer. - Thank you.

Speaking of chicks, wait till you see this fuckin' smoke.

- Guys! - We just hired her.

- Look at those balboas. - Damn, dude.

- Working the front desk. - Natural.

- Yeah, that's nice. - Nah, Will's actually more of an ass man.

Really?

Ass man Willie.

My boy! Hold on. I got something for him.

Let me show you

the greatest ass you've ever seen in your life.

Oh wow. That is... that's...

I mean, that's a perfect, uh...

- That's a perfect ass. - Yeah.

- Have you had sex with her? - Nah, that's my cousin Claire.

Yeah.

Don't follow her like a pig, okay?

- I'm not gonna follow her! - He's gonna follow her.

- Would you have sex with that woman? - Careful.

- Would I have sex with her... - Don't be rude.

Would you have sex with our cousin? Yes or no?

You know, if it's not your cousin, I'd, you know, knock the bottom out of it.

- Whoa, dude. That's their cousin. - You can't be doing that.

I don't think you're getting the gist of this, which is...

You would or wouldn't?

They respectfully showed you their cousin's ass.

Would you have sex with my cousin or not?

- - Oh my God! What the...

- Cal? - What the fuck?

What did you do?

Answer the question, Will!

Yes, I would have sex with your cousin.

- Was that that hard? - It was impossible!

I was helping you, doofus!

Now we move on.

My God!

Well, it... I mean, doesn't look that bad.

Are you joking? It's 20 different colors.

Dude, that's fucking bad. They might remove that foot.

Don't say that!

We can go to the hospital. But here's the thing.

You do do this all the time.

You've used up all your sick days. Used up all your vacation days.

I did look the other way after that Insane Clown Posse concert.

I couldn't get the fucking makeup off, okay?

Kilah, I need you to sit at the counter until the reporter's gone,

then I'll take you to the hospital myself,

but I want him to see that we make women feel comfortable here!

All righty.

- Hey. - Got your oil change in there.

- Awesome. - Guys are working on it.

- Great. - And again, you know, no charge on that.

- Wow, okay. - Yeah.

Thanks. That's very nice. You're not trying to bribe me, are you?

No! Obviously not. That's just...

I mean, it just helps to know somebody.

- Don't. - What?

Don't go in there. Just leave it alone.

- No. - Just leave it alone.

Is the smell of tires usually this strong?

- Is it... is it strong? - Mm-hmm. It's very... Yeah.

- It's very common to have... -