Louie

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Lilly, knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

Lilly, knock, knock!

Could you answer the door, please? I don't want to.

Well, then you have to say "not home."

Knock, knock.

Not home.

Daddy, knock, knock.

No, no, no.

You didn't want me a minute ago, so I don't think so.

Please, Daddy, please.

Now Lilly won't now. Please.

Daddy.

Please?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Moo.

Moo who?

I didn't know you were crying.

Cow.

That's ridiculous.

I have one. Okay.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Who. Who who?

Hi, owl.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Painter.

Painter who? Painter who?

The painter who painted both of you as mermaids,

but instead of being underwater,

it's pee-pee.

What does that even mean?

I don't-- I don't know, man.

Daddy, you tell one.

Okay.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

I don't get it.

Okay, Daddy.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Chicken. Chicken who?

I just don't get it.

If you don't get it, you just don't get it.

But that's not fair. That's okay, baby.

Tell another one.

I want to tell a joke.

Not a knock-knock one.

Like a riddle. Okay, go ahead.

I have kids, and after you have kids,

you reserve your wishes for your kids.

My kids, I love my kids.

My daughter told me a joke the other day,

and she tells great jokes.

They're not-- They're not like anybody else's jokes,

that's why I like them.

I've been doing comedy for 25 years.

I know every joke.

Even if I haven't heard it.

You start telling me a joke, I know how it's gonna work.

But her jokes, I have no idea what's gonna happen.

I have no idea.

This is the joke she told me the other day, she said,

"Who didn't let the gorilla...

... into the ballet?"

Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?

Already, I love this joke.

I love this joke.

I have not heard this joke.

This is a new joke for me,

who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?

And I said, "Who?"

And she said, "Just the people who are in charge

of that decision."

Just the folks who make that assessment.

They-- Their judgment was that it was--

wasn't a good idea to let 'em in.

I love this joke because I picture it.

I-- A whole story's in my head of

people going into a ballet theater

and the gorilla's just trying to text and not make eye contact,

just kinda--

Just trying to go in, it's cool.

And somebody's-- "Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no-- you, no, no."

"What?"

"Yeah, you."

"Yes, the gorilla, I'm talking to the gorilla."

"Why not, man?"

"'Cause you're a gorilla,

I don't even have to say anything."

"Don't I get any credit for talking

"and wanting to go to a ballet?

Doesn't that buy me any credibility?"

"No, man, it's a long show. It's three hours.

"You're not gonna-- I'm telling you, you're not gonna make it.

"You're okay now, but halfway through,

"you're gonna start pounding on people.

"That's just the way you guys are, man, I ain't--

I ain't gonna get burned like that again."

A gorilla kills everybody at the ballet once,

shame on the gorilla.

When you have children--

Like, I was talking to my daughter the other day,

and I was talking to her like this.

I was bent over and I was talking like this.

I have no idea what I was talking about.

I think I even forgot while I was saying it.

I just was upset and I was talking to her like this.

And she's looking up at me with this face, like, coping,

like looking at me like--

And I realized, I'm her first asshole.

Like, I'm the first one.

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa *

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie you're gonna cry *

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa *

* Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie *

* Louie, Louie you're gonna die *

* Louie, Louie, Louie Louie... **

My wife and I are very blessed.

We have no children.

We're not gonna have children.

Refugee kids-- too bad, I'll write you a check,

but you're not coming to my house.

No kids.

And people are very cruel

when they meet couples without children.

They go, "Oh, you don't have children?

What happened?"

What happened-- I pulled out, I shot on the sheets,

that's what happened.

Married, buddy?

Nope. Nope! That's good.

See that? Energy. How old are you?

24.

That guy has a young, nervous penis.

No, when you're 24 and single,

your penis is like the nervous guy

in the World War II movies in the foxhole.

Any sound your penis hears--

What was that?

Let's go, let's go, let's move!

I'm married in my 50s.

My penis is relaxed.

My penis is sitting in a chair, smoking a pipe,

reading the paper.

My penis is like Bing Crosby.

Yes, I heard a noise.

Could be a hand, could be a vagina.

Buh-buh, buh-buh-buh.

You've been very nice, thank you very much!

Thank you!

Allan Havey!

Allan Havey in the house.

Did you hear about Dominic Peretti?

Who?

That comic from Connecticut.

The guitar guy?

With the guitar? No.

The guy that did the arms thing?

Gets a chick onstage, put her arms through his.

Oh, a million guys do that bit.

You don't remember Dominic Peretti?

Did he have an Asian wife?

I don't know.

Anyway, he died.

Really? Yeah.

That's too bad.

Hey, you want to come over next week for dinner?

To your house?

Yeah, Debbie'll cook something.

I don't think your wife likes me, man.

No, she likes you.

I don't think so.

It was her idea.

She wanted me to ask you.

She did?

She said to invite you over.

So come over, have dinner.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing, son?

What's going on, how are you?

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Debbie, thanks for having me.

Oh, totally.

Lori.

Hi, Debbie. Hey.

Lori, how you doing? Come on in.

Louie, this is Lori.

Lori, this is Louie.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi.

Weird.

Why?