Undercover Blues

Don't you love New Orleans?

Come on over here and dance with me.

Look what she ordered.

Come here, honey.

Darling, 11 months is a little young for jambalaya.

The doctor said we should start her on solids.

Jambalaya's not solids.

He meant mushed-up carrots and beets.

That's for average kids.

Look, sweetheart. See?

That's delicious.

It's not spicy at all.

Jeff...

Come on. I rest my case.

Isn't she great?

She's great. You're great.

They said their name was Truman?

-Newman. -Ah, Newman.

You better get out of there.

Hey, Newman.

Isn't New Orleans great?

Great. Would you like a beer?

-Sure. -Two, please.

-Do you folks travel much? -A lot. Yeah.

We've cut down ever since the baby.

What line are you in?

Brain surgery. Professional brain surgery.

That's a hell of a field. Challenging.

Actually, I'm thinking about giving it up.

The racket's getting to me.

I was working with patients who'd undergone severe trauma...

to the patella, here in the front of the brain.

You get whacked there, you start going in circles...

lose all sense of direction.

I read about that in "People" magazine.

You did? The pressure started getting to me.

My hands started shaking. Dropping scalpels everywhere.

Somebody's pulling our leg.

-Almost had you. -Not me.

-What do you really do? -We're in espionage.

-Were. We're retired. -And that's the truth.

I love crashing parties.

You didn't know those people?

-They didn't know us, either. -You guys are too much.

-You ain't seen nothing yet. -Oh, yeah, Mr. Spy?

You're not planning on smoking that in the room?

I certainly am...

not planning on smoking this in the room.

-I'll Jane for a walk. -Louise.

Get some formula while you're out?

Sure. Night, folks.

Bye-bye. I'm with you.

I'd never let Vern smoke a cigar in the room.

Jane Louise!

Is her name Jane Louise or Louise Jane?

We can't agree.

I think it's strange to name a girl after her mother.

Men do it all the time, name the boys after themselves.

Why not the women?

Sweetheart, why don't we let them decide?

By the time I finish this...

it'll be ready for my child's child.

What are you doing?

Help! Don't hurt me!

Don't forget the watch. Shut up, fat boy.

My name is Muerte! Don't you forget that.

Can we go?

Come on, man!

-I want to go home. -No, no, no.

That's three. Let's call it a night.

-Not yet! -There's going to be cops.

No! I want one more.

Damn.

And here he comes.

Relax, guys, the baby won't hurt you.

Give me the wallet and the watch.

Look, this is a real baby.

I don't want any trouble.

Then hand it over.

Let's go. The watch.

It's a Swatch.

Are we finished? Can I go?

We had a deal.

You commit a felony. I go.

My name is Muerte.

Pleased to meet you, Morty. My name is Jeff.

Ozzie! Cut him!

This is a really bad idea, Morty.

You sleep through anything, don't you, honey?

I'll kill you, asshole.

You sucker.

En garde. Parry. Thrust!

It's a very fortunate thing for you my wife wasn't here.

My good girl, isn't she?

Yeah.

Lovely evening, isn't it?

Hi, honey. Did you get the formula?

I completely forgot.

-Daydreaming? -Obviously.

Jeff? What happened to the stroller?

It's a bad world, isn't it, sweetheart?

You and me and Mom are going to make it better.

New Orleans Police Department.

Did you see a gentleman with a baby stroller?

That's Mr. Blue. He's upstairs in his room.

Thank you very much.

What did happen to that stroller?

Put something on. The cops are coming.

-The cops are coming? -Big badges, blue uniforms.

Why?

Officers.

-Jeff Blue? -That's me.

Lieutenant Theodore Sawyer, New Orleans Police Department.

This is Detective Sergeant Halsey.

That's Halsey. S-e-y, not s-y.

May we come in?

Sure thing, Ted. You bet. My pleasure.

I'm a great admirer of the New Orleans Police.

How's Clay Shaw?

That's really hilarious.

-This is my wife Jane. -Evening.

This is Lieutenant Sawyer.

-Lieutenant. -Sergeant Halsey.

-Sergeant. -Ma'am.

Please excuse the robe, gentlemen.

I wasn't expecting the police at this hour.

Please, sit.

Excuse us, ma'am. We're working undercover--

A lieutenant undercover? I would have thought...

they'd have something more important for you.

With oil gone belly-up...

tourism is the biggest stuff there is.

Folks getting knifed in the French Quarter...

annoys the hell out of the Tourist Commission.

There was an attempted mugging this evening.

Really?

-The victim got away. -Oh, good.

-You know nothing about that? -No.

You match the description of the intended victim--

a man with a baby stroller.

A bag lady says she saw the man enter this hotel.

The desk clerk says that man was you.

Certainly narrows it down, doesn't it?

Mr. Blue, were you involved in an attempted mugging?

No, Ted, I don't think so.

Would you mind calling me Lieutenant?

Ms. Blue...

would you care to make any comment?

Not at this precise time.

Mr. Blue, can I see some ID, please?

-You bet. -One with a picture?

Thank you.

That's a good picture.

What do you do for a living?

I'm an Electrolux salesman.

I don't know what brand of vacuum cleaner you use...

but the Electrolux is the biggest sucker of all.

Are you in New Orleans on business?

-Vacation. -How long will you stay?

Month, month and a half.

Isn't that long for a vacation?

Is it?

Mr. Blue, if...

If you know something...

but you're afraid to talk about it...

we can give you full protection.

Thanks, but I really don't know anything.

Well, thank you, sir.

Here's your ID, and here's my card.

If you change your mind, please give us a call.

-Will do. -Bye, ma'am.

That baby stroller's taken quite a beating.

Baggage handlers.

-Good night. -Good night.

Let me see if I understand this correctly.

You took our child into a knife fight?

It was a fair fight-- two of them, two of us.

Jeff, how could you?

It wasn't my idea.

You should have seen them, complete amateurs.

Biggest risk was I'd fall down laughing and hurt myself.

I won't do it again.

This is Chapter Two in which Jeff and Jane...

have a child and lead a normal life.

You forgot the formula.

That's my boy, Metre.

I'm going to fuck him up. Watch this. Hold my stick.

Boy, this is gonna be good.

-Red. -What can I do you?

-Creme de menthe. -Coming up.

Hey, Muerte, I heard you had some trouble.

Yeah. You should see the other guys--

fifteen guys with chains and dogs.

You should see what they look like.

I mean...

That ain't what I heard.

I heard it was one guy...

with a cute little tiny baby!

Which one of them done it to you, Muerte?

Was it the guy...