She's Having a Baby

Oh, yeah

Many a tear has to fall

It's all a game

Life is a wonderful game

We play and play

Words

You have words with him

Happy and sad

And sweetest words

Oh, yeah

Once in a while he won't call

It's all a game

Soon he'll be there at your side

With a sweet bouquet

Kiss me

Kiss my lips

Caress me

With your fingertips

And sweetest word

I loved her more than anything on the face of the earth.

I fell like a stone first time I saw her.

She fell just as hard.

The only difference was, she knew why.

Kristy was my mate for life.

Kristen Bainbridge, that was her name. Now she has my name, Briggs.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson Briggs,

but everybody calls me Jake.

Except my grandmother.

She calls me Booper.

He's too young and he's too immature.

She's a gold digger.

There's little or no gold to be dug.

He's plenty old.

And people don't mature anymore.

They stay jackasses all their lives.

There's always been strong streak

of rationality among the males in the family.

It's the women who keep things electrified.

For crying out loud, can you put a smile on your face?

Give me something to smile about.

Russ and Gayle Bainbridge, my in-laws,

people that, one day, I would call Mom and Dad.

I'll lay you two bits that little pea-brain is going to be late.

Don't be silly.

You wouldn't let me throw him out when I had the chance.

Now the little SOB is going to be a goddamn relative!

This is what Kristy wants. Please, don't spoil it for her!

Why?

She's in love!

You can't expect to be foremost in her mind.

It's time we let go of her.

Try to find the beauty in the way she feels about Jake.

Oh, for God's sake!

All right, where in the sweet name of Christ is that little asshole?

That's me, the groom,

about to charge headlong into the jaws of responsibility.

What am I doing?

That's Davis McDonald, my best friend. He was my unsanctioned wife.

We got divorced when I married Kristy.

He liked her. He may have even loved her.

Are you scared?

Here I am...

I'm on the verge of binding my life to Kristy's...

and I've never felt so alone.

We could split.

But you'd be back tomorrow.

You were married the minute you met her.

Sixteen years old and you were gone!

It's more than a feeling

More than a feeling

This is your destiny.

To be forever caught in the crossfire between your head and your heart.

Do you...

Do you think I'm going to be happy, I mean, honestly?

You want to be a writer. You want to be a husband.

Maybe it'll work out. Who knows?

Yeah, you'll be happy.

You just won't know it, that's all.

Never before and never again did he nail a moment

more firmly than that afternoon.

He's not all that wise,

he just knew his subject matter very, very well.

Look, I'm not gonna say this again.

You don't have to go through with this.

You can walk.

Say the word and we are out of here.

Marriage will wait.

Time won't.

Jake!

Shit!

Let us all join in the Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

hallowed be Thy name...

...thy kingdom come, thy will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses...

Amen.

...as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory,

for ever and ever. Amen.

As these two have come hither

to be made one in this holy estate, if there be anyone here present

who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be married,

I require him to make it known

or ever after hold his peace.

Kristen, wilt thou have this man to be thy husband,

and wilt thou pledge thy troth to him in all love and honor,

in all duty and service,

in all faith and tenderness:

to live with him and cherish him according to the ordinance of God

in the holy bond of marriage?

I will.

Wilt thou, Jefferson, have this woman to be thy wedded wife?

Wilt thou comfort and keep her in sickness and in health...

Wilt thou provide her with credit cards

and a four-bedroom, two and one half bath home

with central air and professional decorating?

A Mercedes Benz, two weeks in the Bahamas every spring?

Wilt thou remember the little things

like flowers on her anniversary,

a kind word on a rough day,

and an occasional "Gee, honey, you look pretty today"?

Wilt thou be understanding when she is tired,

headachy or upset?

When she feels ugly or has a big pimple on her chin?

Wilt thou not be such a pig when you shower?

Wilt thou listen patiently to stories about kids, colds,

kids entire clothes, shoes,

and decorator checkbook covers?

I will.

For as much as Kristen and Jefferson

have consented together in holy wedlock,

and have witnessed the same before God and this company,

by the joining of hands and the giving and exchanging of rings,

I pronounce they are husband and wife,

whom therefore God hath joined together,

let no man put asunder.

You may now kiss the bride.

But don't mess up her hair or her face,

because she still has to have her picture taken.

Go for it.

I had graduated college that spring

and, for reasons not clear to us,

we decided I should return to pursue my master's degree.

Kristy had her degree and insisted I get mine

before she began her career.

There wasn't time for the Bahamas, or even a weekend in Niagara Falls.

We spent our honeymoon

on an interstate highway to New Mexico.

Kristy, back and forth and back and forth!

Babe, I got it.

Babe, you're wrinkling up all of the central states. I see it.

I'm not! The world's biggest bow tie.

Our first address. Not pretty, but cheap.

And happy... sort of

You don't like fish?

I love fish!

If you loved it, you'd eat it, because it is healthy.

No, I honestly love it.

It's just a little overwhelming to have swordfish and...

Trout.

And over here?

Grouper, it's grouper.

It's grouper!

The fries are good.

That's breaded smelt.

What are you doing?

I didn't know what you liked, I didn't feel like guessing.

I'm trying to make you happy and you mock me. Thanks!

Oh, Kristy, come on.

Jake...

I have to do something with myself.

- I have to get a job or take classes. - No.

You'll weigh 400lbs. I'm not mad! I don't like fish, either!

You don't need to get a job! You don't need to take classes!

- I got to get out of here. - Oh, Jake, don't start that on me!

College is like high school with ashtrays!

- I don't know where I'm going! - Sweetie, you have been weak!

You have two more years.

It doesn't matter if you don't know where you're going now.

Finish what you started!

I learnt nothing as an undergraduate! I'm learning less in graduate school!

Davis quit school and started his own business!

Yeah, with his dad's money. I don't think you'd do that.

At least his life has begun, mine is on indefinite hold.

You really want to leave?

I can't think of any reason to stay.

Jefferson, can you tell Grandpa

why Bumble Bunny was such a happy little rabbit?

Because he went to college.

Oh, boy, you are a smart little fellow.

And what did he get in college?

A master's degree.

A master's degree!

And what would have happened to him

if he hadn't gone to college and gotten that master's degree?

Probably working on a loading dock and hating every minute of it.