The Standups

Everybody welcome Brian Simpson!

- -Yeah.

Y'all know for hundreds of years

Black people been asking for reparations.

And every time I brought it up, it was always like,

"That's not realistic."

"Y'all are 13% of the population."

"America can't afford to just give everybody money."

And then the pandemic hit.

I'm like, "Oh, you motherfuckers got trillions and trillions of…"

"Where the fuck is our money at?"

Give Black people money.

Yeah.

It's not really a joke. That's just a solution.

Throw in free healthcare,

we might let y'all say "nigga," I don't know.

Everything's on the table.

Everything's on the table.

And they don't like it when we protest. Groups of us just fucking piss people off.

America treats Black people the way cashiers treat pennies.

Legally, they have to accept us everywhere…

but if you walk in with more than four or five,

everybody's like, "What the fuck is this bullshit?"

And it feels fucked up.

And the police shooting…

Every time the cops shoot an unarmed Black man,

they always be like, "I was afraid for my life."

"Niggas was fast."

It's the only job you get to do that.

The Supreme Court decided a policeman is allowed to use deadly force

if they're in fear for their life.

If they're afraid, they can shoot you.

I don't think we can ever do anything about that. But I say, fine.

You can kill a motherfucker when you afraid,

but I think before we let you be a cop,

we should find out what you afraid of first.

That's reasonable.

I mean that literally.

I think the final exam at Police Academy

should just be a haunted house. Right?

But instead of skeletons and witches and stuff,

it's just Black people doing everyday activities. You know?

You gotta make it from the front yard to the cookout in the backyard,

without killing nobody. You know?

You get your badge at the grill.

Sounds reasonable.

And they always be like, "Oh, it's just a few bad apples."

How the fuck am I supposed to know who the bad apples are?

I don't. So what I do is I just avoid it.

If I have an emergency and I gotta call 911,

I tell them only send firefighters.

'Cause I usually don't need the guns.

I just need the bravery. See?

Firefighters are just as brave as police.

They will run into a building that is on fire

with nothing but an axe.

But I've never heard any reports of a firefighter being startled

and chopping a nigga's head off.

But…

It's like, "I'm sorry. I thought you was fire. I, uh…"

"He was flickering. Y'all seen him flicker."

Since I'm a young Black man,

everybody thinks that my biggest fear is racist cops.

I'm way more afraid of racist lifeguards.

Nobody thinks about them.

'Cause a racist cop has to at least break a sweat.

Right? File some false paperwork. Lie to somebody.

A racist lifeguard just has to not notice you out there.

And you're dead.

So ask yourselves,

is it that Black people can't swim?

Or have we been the victims

of a decades-long conspiracy

by the aquatic wing of the Ku Klux Klan?

I have a lot of jokes shitting on cops

and some people take that to mean that I hate police.

And that's not true.

Right? I mean, first of all, everybody hates police.

Even police hate police.

Right? And listen…

Look, my comedy is not political. I don't… I'm not judging you.

Right? I don't care if you're a conservative

or a decent human being. Right? What…

What matters here is that we're honest. Right?

And the honest-to-God truth is, regardless of who you voted for,

if you pull out your driveway right now and you hear that, "Whoop-whoop,"

you're not gonna be like, "Oh, thank God. A hero."

No. No one reacts that way.

Everyone has the same reaction.

"Fuck him. Fuck!"

There's a reason everybody hates cops.

It's because every interaction with a cop is negative.

Every time you see a cop,

you know it's gonna cost you money.

So you like, "Fuck him," at the very least. Right?

So I think cops should carry around little prizes.

Every now and then they just pull you over

'cause you was kicking ass out there. You know?

Yeah. That way, you see them sirens and there's hope.

You're like, "You know what? I've been good this whole time."

"Maybe this is something."

Like, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Was it that awesome left turn I made back there?"

"I think I'm feeling something." You know?

Like, "Yeah, man, I followed you for ten exits."

"That was three outstanding merges."

"Enjoy your Starbucks on the city of New York."

"Yes!"

Uh, y'all should know this about me.

I am a veteran of the United States Marine Corps.

- -Yeah.

No. Please. No. No, no, no.

I'm not a hero. I was just there.

You know what I mean?

I joined for the college money in March of 2001.

I didn't know we was getting attacked in September. You know?

Bin Laden fucked up my whole life plan.

I only bring it up because I was the only Black person in my platoon

for about two years. You know?

I was a lot of white people's first Black friend.

Yeah. Which, I guess, does make me a hero of sorts. You know?

-If you think about it. -

I trained a lot of you motherfuckers.

It was my first time being around white people.

I was immersed. I got my PhD in white folks.

I know how y'all think. I know what moves your white spirit.

Yeah. I know two things are true

about every white person, and you can't convince me otherwise.

One is that you can distract any group of white men with a hacky sack.

I can't explain this phenomenon.

But, ladies, it's more effective than a rape whistle.

Keep one in your purse.

If there's a group of frat boys following too close,

just toss it over your shoulder.

100% of the time, the dude in the front will be like, "Whoa! Hey, hey!"

Like, they can't resist.

It's like catnip.

Yeah. And the second thing I know is true about all white folks

is that all of y'all wanna say "nigga" a little bit.

Yeah. This is peer-reviewed research. I don't give a fuck how you feel about it.

Right? 'Cause it's the only thing in America you can't just freely do.

You gotta think about it. You gotta make sure the coast is clear.

You know?

You see a group of Black people in the corner.

They tossing N-words around like they juggling knives.

You think to yourself, "Ooh, dangerous!"

"I wish I could participate."

Right? It makes you feel 99% free.

It's okay. We being honest here. Right? All of you have done it.

You got comfortable with your first Black person.

Right? You waited for your moment.

You try to slip a "nigga" into the situation.

Be honest.

And you didn't get the response you was looking for. Did you?

Then, what did you do? You try to act confused.

"I'm sorry. It's just a word. Y'all be saying it, and…"

"What if it's in a song?"

"What if it ends with an 'A' and not an 'ER'?"

All that bullshit. Right?

Here's the thing. I'll give it to you.

Logically speaking, it don't make 100% sense.

But it don't have to. Just follow the rules, nigga.

Because you do understand the concept

that there's certain shit you just can't say to certain people.

You only get confused with the word "nigga."

For example, you don't call your mother by her first name.

Unless you a fucking weirdo.

Right? Only the weird kids did that where I'm from.

Right? Sir, what is your mother's name?

- Eileen. -Eileen.

-Do you call her Eileen to her face? -No.

No. Not at all.

That doesn't make sense. That's her name, is it not?

-Other people call her Eileen? -Yes.

It's definitely in a few songs.

Right?

I don't mean for you to feel picked on, sir.

Sir, what is your mother's name?

- Christina. -Christina. You call her Christina?

-Fucking no. -Fucking no.

- -Right?

That doesn't make sense. That's her name.

-No, sir. -It ends with an "A," not an "ER."

But you don't fucking call her that.

- -Right?

That's…

Okay. One last one. Sir, what is your mother's first name?

- Carol. -Carol.

Do you call her nigga, ever?

No!

See how easy it is not to say "nigga" to people?

Thank you.

Now here's the irony.

The first person that ever called me a nigga was my grandmother.

Yeah. I'll never forget. I was seven years old.

She called me from all the way across her big-ass slave plantation of a house.

Right? Something y'all need to understand about being a child in the '80s,

is one, when your parents called you from across the house,