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thanks for your advice about "a night under the stars."

- of course. anytime. ever.

- now i just got to figure out what to bring to the picnic.

this is my first college girl

so i really want to impress her.

would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?

- mm-mm. - i'd love to.

- really? - sure.

- no! - thanks. later.

- hey. - hey.

want to see my place?

i can see it from here.

two girls are making out on the hood.

no, my real place.

the condo board's trying to bluff me

by listing my place as available.

look at those faucets.

handcrafted in italy. 100% expensive.

those faucets are beautiful.

you know what they would go great with: a home,

which you no longer have.

you need to move on with your life.

yeah. move on with my life.

"shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife."

this condo is all that's left of me.

every part of it is a part of who i am.

- is that a bidet? - that part's for resale value.

and saturday afternoons.

- you know, downgrading your lifestyle

is your chance to grow as a person.

maybe even become one.

you know, the less you have, the more you can be.

you know what i'm saying?

- there's a silver lining here, isn't there?

you're attracted to bums. - good night.

- come on. why don't you have dinner at my place?

i got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter.

- yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.

bring back my house!

can i live with you?

- yeah. cool. you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk?

- top. - me too.

i win.

- look, i really need to liquidate some assets.

it's an emergency situation.

what kind of an offer is that?

these are mint condition issues.

i mean, the premise alone is priceless.

the guy has the powers and strength of a spider.

no, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.

- jeff, did i say anything in my sleep last night

about farm animals or brian williams?

- i don't think so. - cool. cool, cool, cool.

lucky charms?

- how are you so satisfied all the time, abed?

i mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life

than cereal?

- sometimes i like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk

and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate.

i call it "special drink."

- and some day you will know it by its true name, "diabetes."

- you're goldie hawn, jeff. - i'm sorry?

- you're goldie hawn. - is it the lips?

- no. in overboard, she was just like you.

wealthy, assertive, arrogant.

got manicures all the time.

but then she fell off her boat

and it was a good thing for her

because, ultimately, she realized she was happier

being poor and raising four unruly boys with kurt russell.

- can i not be kurt russell in this scenario?

- you can do whatever you want.

you just have to know what that is.

for me, it's lucky charms and tv.

i could use a break.

- oh, a picnic blanket. genius.

i was just gonna lay down newspaper.

- it's the blanket my grandmother used

to court my grandfather.

- yeah? that's pretty hot.

thanks. - oh.

- tell that boy how you feel!

it's scary.

if he's not interested, i could lose the friendship too.

- you could. love is a gamble always.

but waiting won't change the dice.

you either roll them or you lose your turn.

- i'm going to roll them. i am.

i am. i just--i need a few more shakes.

- mm. shake 'em in your mind, okay?

now, if you'll excuse me,

pierce's band is playing

and i want to record the train wreck.

kind of hoping for a michael richards situation.

oh, they're pretty good.

this isn't weird for you?

- no. just want to show vaughn some support

to help smooth things over.

what am i doing? * i'm getting rid of the b *

take it, pierce.

same as a 45-year-old,

except he doesn't get as tired.

- hmm. really great to have somebody to watch stuff with.

my dad never wanted to watch anything

so i was kind of raised by tv.

- tv's the best dad there is.

tv never came home drunk.

tv never forgot me at the zoo.

tv never abused and insulted me

unless you count cop rock.

cop rock. that sounds cool.

- doesn't it? - hey.

wow. you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

- yeah. in the last two days, i spent a quarter.

- we're having the time of our lives.

- see. who needs platinum faucets?

do you guys even have faucets in here?

- there's a communal bathroom down the hallway.

it actually helped me come to terms

with losing my condo.

you don't sit on a toilet like that

until you've left the material world behind.

both: pavel! - hey, bros.

- this is pavel. he lives next door.

he's from poland.

britta. - britta.

- excuse me, i have a future murder victim to visit.

- cool. - cool.

cool, cool, cool.

guys, what the hell!

"getting rid of britta"?

that song was disrespectful to me

and to the definition of "rhyme scheme."

- wow. if you don't like my song,

you don't have to listen, britta, all right?

i'm an artist and i write what i feel.

and i feel that you suck.

- oh, oh, all right, hold on here.

vaughn, can i have a word with you?

could you come here, please, for a second?

what did you just say to her?

- listen, i know britta's your friend,

but my song is more important.

there you go again.

your song. we wrote it together.

are you trying to garfunkel me?

maybe.

assuming to "garfunkel" someone is to keep putting up with them

even though they're a fat, lazy cat

who hogs the spotlight and ts all the lasagna.

- i get it. you're jeaus of me.

what? why?

i don't know.

maybe because when i put on these skinny jeans,

my ass looks like a baby pumpkin.

or maybe because i'm not a small-nippled,

credit-hogging jag who only knows three power cords.