Bill

Oh... por favor.

Holy Maria.

Please, I...

Well, well, well, well.

If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.

Thieving English privateer and pain in the bum hole.

Is that you, Phil?

King Phil... ip.

I thought so.

- You don't mind if I...? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

- You carry on. Fill your boots. - That's very decent of you.

Hm-mm-mm.

Love to stop for a portrait, but er... must dash.

Do look me up if ever one of your Armadas pans out

and I'll take you out in London.

- My treat. - I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.

You seem very chipper for someone being robbed.

No, it's just I'm a... a little bit excited.

You see, I'm interested to see how you're gonna get out of this one.

It's a round room, no corners, two exits.

Not exactly holding all the cards there, Phil.

Have you forgotten the first rule of espionage?

No. Always hide in plain sight.

Mr Hawkins.

Oh, bugger.

Take him.

Get him up!

I sail under the sovereign protection of Queen Elizabeth

and she will not stand for this!

Good.

I'm counting on it.

- Make way! - (panicked cries)

Make way!

Aaargh!

Make Way!

I don't suppose you could...?

He's gone.

Make way!

Letter for Her Majesty.

Where is she?

- Undressing. What is it? - King Philip ll of Spain.

It would seem...

"he's captured Sir Richard.

Hawkins?

I agree, Your Majesty,

Hawkins is a most valuable asset

and we all want him back out there robbing the Spanishes.

But diplomacy is our only option.

- A summit with King Philip. Ooh!

As your father, King Henry, always said,

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

And a lot of stuff about women that I never really...

- Will there be dancing? - What about a joust?

- Kiss chase. - Sex wrestling.

- Perhaps a nice play. - I hardly think we need to...

Wait.

Who said... a play?

I'll get you!

Bill! Bill!

- What? - Your friends are here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

gently to hear, kindly to judge,

we are... Mortal Coil.

- It's not you. - It is you.

It is you.

Maybe you're destined for something different.

Like what?

- Erm... - Er...

- Cooking. - Anyway, we'd better...

"shuffle off.

Sorry, Bill.

Sorry, Bill.

I thought his name was Phil.

I knew something like this was gonna happen.

- Talent jealousy. - You'll get over that.

Not me. Them.

Well, I will call in at the butcher's tomorrow

and see if he still needs someone in the afternoons.

Whoa, Anne.

I'm not gonna go and work in some butcher's.

But you said if things didn't work out with the band, you'd get a proper job.

- You promised. - I know.

And I have.

I've written a great work for the stage.

- What? - I'm a writer now.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Bill, you're not a writer.

- What's this, then? Scottish mist? - Scotch mist.

This is why you're not a writer.

Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.

Just like the acting, the band, the interpretive dance.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This is different.

It's like the words flow through me.

Like I'm the east and they're the sun.

- Well, not that, but... - Bill...

Writing scripts isn't a job, not in Stratford.

You need theatres and patrons and...

- No. - Just think about it.

There is no way that you are moving our entire family

- down to that bloody London! - ..a talented young writer in London.

You wanna go to London? You go to London.

But me and the kids are not going with you.

You're 30 years old. It's time you grew up.

- What, and give up my dreams? - They're just dreams.

Oh!

Well... we'll see who the dreamer is, sweetheart

That London is not gonna know what hit it.

People will remember the name Shakespeare...

20 years from now!

To each their dreams.

- Earl of Essex. - Of course, sir.

- Earl of Essex! Earl of Essex!

- Oxford. - Of course, sir.

- Earl of Oxford! - Earl of O!

- Croydon. - Of course, sir.

Straight out the front gate, down the road towards Penge.

Now, you need to veer left when you hit a stream.

No, I don't want to go to Croydon. I am Croydon.

The Earl of Croydon.

- Barry. - Yeah?

- You got a Croydon down there? - I was here yesterday.

- All right. - Er... Got a Chester.

Cornwall?

- Got a Crawley. - Yes, that's me.

- But you just said Croydon. - There is no Earl of Crawley.

That's me. Your list is wrong.

We've gotta go by the list, sir. A lot of Catholics about, you see.

You can't just let anybody in.

But he just...

Ah. Southampton, would you please tell these idiots who I am?

- Yes, Crawley, isn't it? - (chuckles)

- Earl of Crawley. - Curly Wurly.

So no jokes at all as such. We go out and do funny observations.

I'd stick to the juggling.

I pulled his finger. Turned out he had dysentery.

Ha, ha, ha.

- Anyone seen a spare chair or...? - Drake, darling.

Are you still harping on about your little pleasure cruise?

Oooh! - Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

You're still burning your way through all your daddy's hard-earned money?

- (laughter) - Oooh-hoo-hoo!

I'm trying, love. Investing in the ans now.

It's like pouring it down a privy.

Oh, and have you erm...?

Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and just a bowl of those crispy pork things.

- I'm the Earl of Croy... - Now, get this.

- Go on, the one about the sailor. - Oh!

Now, this... I warn you, you'll have to mark this one "Not safe for work."

- (laughter) - No, seriously.

He calls it an apartment, but it's just a hut with...

- Hang on. - (lively tune from palace)

I love this one.

ls it true as well that during the battle of the Armada

they slept between two and five pm?

Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting and they'd go and have a lie down

or go and chuck dads at a board.

Hey, where's our drinks?

- Where are our drinks? - I am the Earl of Croydon.

I fetch drinks for no man.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Here's your tip. - Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"

Oh, hilarious.

It's a jesters' convention.

"Ooh, I sailed around the world. Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"

You're no better than me!

- I do stuff. - Like what, exactly?

Well, I do... er...

juggling.

Fire eating.

Ah! I'm a prostitu...

No, sir.

Writering.

Writering? Writering.

I am a writer.

- No, you're not, darling. - How dare you!

I'm the finest writer in all of England!

Are you, now?

Who is it?

Indeed I am, Your Majesty.

Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...

Ooh, I want to say Crawley.

Croydon, Your Majesty. The Earl of Croydon.

Crawley is down towards Horsham.

Croydon is... um...

Do you know Penge at all?

I don't care.

There is to be a diplomatic summit with our beloved cousin,

King Philip ll of Spain.

King Philip ll of Spain. - Spain.

: Sorry.

And what better centrepiece to this fine event...

than a demonstration of our great nation's...

utter dominance in the ads?

A play penned by one of my very own courtiers.

And we shall be most pleased to hear this play of yours.

Because you know what happens if we're displeased.