Benchwarmers 2: Breaking Balls

Subtitles by explosiveskull

And a pleasant good afternoon to everybody, folks.

What a ball game!

It's the Triple-A championship matchup

we've all been waiting for

between the vaunted Rochester Honey Badgers

and the hometown Southfield Platypuses.

Gosh, I... That never sounds right.

Plat... platypi?

Platy... platypussies.

Ooh, can I say that?

All eyes are on Ben McGrath, the hottest prospect in decades,

coming to bat in what surely will be his final game

in the minors.

With the top major-league scouts in attendance,

this once-in-a-lifetime talent is a shoo-in to get called up

to the big show.

Go get 'em, baby!

His lovely wife is here and they are expecting a baby.

What a lucky guy.

Look at that stance.

We're talking lightning in a bottle, folks.

A five-tool stud that every team would sell its soul for.

An athlete of Greek-godian proportions.

A legend in the making!

And here comes the pitch to this can't miss future superstar.

Whoa!

Oh, fuck!

No.

Oh, that's gonna hurt.

Idiot!

I told you, I want the stripes going this way!

Do it over!

- You're late. - I know, I'm sorry, Dana.

I had to re-stripe a lawn.

As long as it was something important.

Jack! Your father's here!

Hey, uh... I passed the bar.

Not something I heard very often when we were married.

I don't mean a place- that-sells-liquor bar.

I mean the bar exam.

To become a lawyer. I passed.

So all those nights studying paid off?

Congratulations, Ben.

Well, thanks, Dana.

I guess that makes you the most educated gardener in town.

Heya, buddy.

You ready for dinner with your dad?

I'm gonna miss you, Mom.

Really, really miss you.

I know.

Hello, there. We would like two of your finest Sloppy meal deals

and make the fries celebration size because we are celebrating.

I just became a uh...

lawyer.

Oh, Jack.

Buddy, I thought we talked about this.

You don't have to wear a cup all the time.

And I've told you it's for protection.

From life hitting me in the nuts.

Look, what happened to me, it was just bad luck.

Sure, I spent months in rehab

and, no, I'll never play baseball again

and, yeah, I had some tough years after that.

But I'm on the right track now.

You know, I got some big interviews lined up.

Mom says there's no such thing as bad luck.

She says we make our own luck

and what happened to you wasn't luck.

It was destiny.

Me getting hit in the nuts?

You failing.

Mom said I was destined to fail?

She said baseball is a game of failure

with even the best hitters making outs most of the time.

Technically, that's true but it gives a false impression.

So you didn't fail?

Oh, and hey, can we please get some...

...napkins?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

So, you have a typo here.

"UCLO" instead of UCLA.

Actually, uh, UCLO is correct.

I went to the University of Calexico Law online.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, Mr. McGrath, I can't tell you what a genuine pleasure

it's been meeting you.

You seem like a fine, upstanding young lad

and we'll be sure to get back to you ASAP with our decision.

So my focus was litigation, uh, primarily civil...

You look familiar.

Were you on some sort of reality TV show?

Uh, no.

Dated a Kardashian?

- No. - I got it.

You're the breakin' balls guy!

You got nailed in the nuts and never played again!

That is a hacky sack exploding against a semi!

An erupting piñata!

Frida, get in here! You gotta see this!

It's like a ten-car pile-up on the freeway.

I wanna vomit in my mouth but I can't take my eyes off this!

This! This is art!

I'll let myself out.

...14 miles per hour.

It's currently 75 degrees.

Have you been screwed?

Are you being screwed right now?

Exes, landlords, creditors, insurance companies.

If you're getting drilled, we can help.

We're the law firm of Schmood and Associates

and we look out for the little guy.

Don't get screwed, get Schmood.

I'd rather keep gardening.

Hello?

Yeah.

Tomorrow morning? Yes.

Yeah.

Great, thank you, very much.

Yeah, Ben!

Mr. McGrath.

I'm not late, am I?

I thought I was early.

Being early is being late at Stenhouse and Gray.

Remember that.

I'm Iris Fletcher, an associate working under Mr. Stenhouse.

We're very excited that you're here.

Whoa!

Working days, law school at night,

and still first in your class.

That is very impressive, young man.

Thank you, sir.

Well... UCLO isn't exactly Harvard.

Screw Harvard.

Screw Yale, screw all those prick factories.

What we're looking for at Stenhouse and Gray,

you can't teach at a school.

I'm talking about winners, Ben.

Winners.

Men who have faced adversity and kicked its ass

until it bleeds from every orifice.

So I just have one simple question for you, Ben.

Are you a winner?

Vertical! Vertical!

How stupid can you be?

Almost done!

I'll code-red your pansy ass if you don't fall in line!

What do you want, Ben? Jack's still at school.

Is that a new suit?

You mean this mothball-free silk and virgin wool blend?

Yes, it is. And I know Jack's been talking about math camp

over the summer so, um, I thought I'd drop off a check.

Okay... How much weed whacking did you have to do to get this?

I got hired as a lawyer.

Stenhouse and Gray.

I start this afternoon, field assignment.

Stenhouse and Gray?

That is the top firm in the city.

Well, it just got a little bit firmer.

Field assignment. Field assignment.

Field assignment.

Hey Johnson, it's not a hamster. Throw it!

Jeez.

Ben, hey!

Thanks so much for meeting me here.

Did I mention in our interview that I was the firm's softball manager?

You did not.

And I take great pride in the fact that I've put together

the most talented roster in the city.

We've won the prestigious Lawyer League Championship

12 years and counting.

Wait a minute, you...

you wouldn't happen to play, would you?

Ah!

Boom. McGrath.

That's you.

Ben, we both know I didn't hire you

for your brilliant legal mind.

Come on, to build a championship-caliber team,

everyone has to have a role.

And at Stenhouse and Gray, this is your role.

Ringer.

Now, why don't you just step up to the plate

and let's see what you can do, big fella.

Come on.

Now, Mr. Stenhouse, I'm really sorry.

I don't play anymore.

You see, there was an incident.

Yeah, yeah, I know all about your incident.

I also know that you batted 360 in Triple-A.

Only a total loser would let an errant ball to the nards

erase all that skill.

Batter up!

Come on. There you go.

Center-field fence, 480.

Go for it.

Every surgeon report to the OR, stat!

That is one shattered nut!