Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Robin Williams!

No!

Please.

Sit down!

Thank you!

Thank you!

What's up, D.C.?

Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed!

Wow, thank you.

Mmm.

Thank you. Please, I've had heart surgery.

Thank you.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here.

Way to go.

And then it's handed out to A.I.G.

And many other people. Now...

I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill.

It's just been printed, kind of neat.

Instead of "in god we trust,"

it just says "trust me."

And it says "spend before Tuesday."

And also instead of Andrew Jackson,

it has the little man from Monopoly going...

and I know many of you have been looking

for Sarah Palin's book. It is a bitch to find.

Good luck.

I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction

in the fantasy aisle.

It was kind of fun.

Wonderful.

Do you get... do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin,

in high school she was voted least likely to write a book

and most likely to burn one?

Do you think that might've been...

she's pretty wild. Baby, I love her.

And also, Oprah... Oprah has retired...

is gonna retire her show. Please say it isn't so!

Oprah's gonna retire her show.

I hope she's not bummed out about losing the Olympics.

I hope that's not it.

It wasn't really fair.

Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle,

Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow.

It's like, what?

Do you think the olympic committee was going

"Oprah? Shaved pussy?"

"Oprah, would you... okay, we're gonna have to go this way."

And who the fuck thinks

that rio is safer than Chicago?!

My god. They're gonna have to make

kidnapping and waxing olympic events.

Degree of difficulty: 5.3

But it is interesting. They have the winter Olympics in Vancouver

and the torch is heading across Canada right now

and already in B.C. They're lighting torches going...

"we're waiting."

Come on, you folks who just came from capitol hill.

Come on down. Where do you go?

How are you, my friends? Grab some seats.

You were caught in...

what?

That's your old boss?

Did you fuck him?

Sorry. Okay.

Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington.

No. And he's going, "no! No!

She was just a page, it's okay!"

And it was weird. In California this summer

all the state parks caught on fire

which was sad

because these parks are full of weed.

It's bad news.

It's like... even the gs fighting the fires

are like...

"Fuck! Oh my god!"

Make another rainbow, Tommy!

"Oh my god!"

It's weird.

Even smokey the bear was going,

"only you can..."

shit, I knew this.

"Fuck."

And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed.

This is weed that even Jamaicans go,

"Oh, don't smoke that weed, man."

It's California catatonic.

It's the type of weed you hit it and it's like...

Fuck! Shit!

I'm not doing something.

What is it?

Oh right, breathe!

And you get so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch

for a week to the point where your cat's going,

"get up, you asshole!"

I've been eating my own shit for the last two days!

"I know I'm mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!"

And if they legalize it, they're going to have to regulate it

and they're going to have to a warning on a box of joints.

It's going to have to say, "surgeon general has determined"

this will make your music awesome.

Even Yanni.

"And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before..."

And if they're gonna have ads...

they're gonna have ads and it'll be like

instead of the Marlboro Man, it'll be the Mendocino Man.

It'll be a cowboy on the back of a horse going,

"shit, am I thirsty. God damn."

Even the horse will be going, "I don't know where the fuck I am.

God damn, I got a little cotton mouth here.

God damn it."

And the weird fucking thing with these weather systems...

the storms right now have been fucking insane.

Kick-ass tornados in the midwest.

It used to be in the midwest when you had a tornado,

it was like everybody get in the root cellar.

Not anymore. You fuckers are like "get a video camera!

Get outside! Film it, Bobby!"

How's the tornado? "It just blew my pants off.

Keep shooting. Fuckin'-a!"

You know the difference between a tornado

and divorce in the south? Nothing.

Someone's losing their trailer, number one.

It's like, mmm!

God damn!

The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger.

And they usually give them names th don't really inspire fear.

Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire fear.

This sounds like a slightly gay hurricane.

Where are you going?

"I might go to Boca. I might go to South Beach. I don't know."

All I know is blowing is involved.

"Yes!"

And they should name the hurricanes

after the people it's gonna be fucking with.

If it's going to Texas... hurricane Billy Ray.

Come on now. What are you gonna do?

"Fuck shit up! That's what goes on."

If it's off the coast of Miami... hurricane Bernie.

"Hello!

He took our 401k. The goniff's coming back for the house.

Move out! Let's fucking go!"

And when they named a hurricane

hurricane ike, I went, finally,

they have the balls to name a hurricane

after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker.

Yeah!

Even Tina Turner would go, "you'd better get your shit

and get out of the house.

'Cause ike never does anything nice and easy. Never."

And the hurricanes have been getting so big

that even the guy on the weather channel

is freaked out. He's going, "okay",

let's go to our new hurricane weather map...

fuck!

This is hurricane Shavon.

The map is the entire south

the asshole in the middle is Dallas.

Um, crazy.

"Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself."

And they always go down to some poor fuckers

on the coast in the middle of the storm

going, "Carl, how's it down there on the coast?" "Not bad!

Seems to be kicking up!"

And then there's always the aftermath

where they interview some family

standing in the wreckage of their beach house

and they're always going like, "hurricane came

and tore everything up.

And we had just rebuilt."

Time out.

How often do you rebuild?

"Every year."

Why do you rebuild here?

"We love the view."

Well, you may want to get some styrofoam furniture

that goes up and fucking down.

Some things that you can hose off maybe.

But the weird thing is, I can't give them shit.

I like in California. I live on god's etch-a-sketch.

It's crazy.

We have earthquakes every other day.

And you get kind of blasé. Like, "oh, fuck."

2.5, not bad.

Oh, shit!

5.8. Maybe we should have drinks outsides.

"Let's go."

And they always talk about the big one.

I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a "fuck me" moment.

That was a...

and they went, "that was not the big one."

Really? Well, what will the big one be?

"Well, in the big one, if there is the big earthquake,

Nevada will be wine country, number one."

And when will the big one be?

"Well, we have a window of opportunity."

Well, what will that be? "Could be tomorrow...

Or 10,000 years from now."

Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up

the only warning you have is if your cat