The Office

- Stop it. - Stop what?

You're talking about me in morse code.

Well, you know what? Joke's on you.

'cause I know morse code. Ha!

Yeah. That's what we're doing.

In our very limited free time

And with our very limited budget,

We went and got a nanny and then we nt out

And took a class on a very outmoded

And very unnecessary form of communication just so

We could talk about you in front of you.

Yup. That's exactly what we did.

It all started when dwight was tapping his foot

Against the leg of his desk.

When I asked him to stop, he said,

"I will when you lose the baby weight."

Very well. I must have imagined it.

I apologize.

Detonator.

Detonator where?

Michael!

Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?

- It's a pen. - Michael, come on.

Get back to work, dwight. Please.

Fine.

Hey. Tap away.

Ooh! Things with donna are so--

Oh-ho-ho!

They're going great.

I, uh...

We're just clicking on every level.

Emotionally and sexually and...Orally

And I am not used to relationships

Going this well.

I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job.

* and I like it *

Who enjoys the weekends?

Of course.

Now the weekend is always great

If you have someone, which I do.

I have donna. She is hot.

She has a pilates butt.

But we need to find something to do this weekend

Beside have sex.

Did I say that? Yes, I did.

And the reason you are here is that I need ideas

For things that donna and I could do on the weekend.

So just shout it out.

I have an idea for your weekend.

Okay.

Let me go back to my desk right now.

Okay, you get out of here, big dog.

Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down.

I need ideas. Stanley got to go.

Yeah, well, stanley doesn't help with anything.

Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.

Walk around apple orchards. Super romantic.

- Oh. That's fun. - Eel fishing.

All right.

Curl up with your favorite dvd.

You and donna should hit the poconos.

They have heart-shaped jacuzzis.

Room enough for three.

We actually went to the poconos last Tuesday.

We headed up there,

We went to a little chinese bistro,

Um, p.F. Chang's.

Wait, why would go all the way to the poconos

To p.F. Chang's when we have the great wall in scranton?

Because when your super hot girlfriend says,

"I wanna go to mount pocono,"

You go to mount pocono and you do her.

And we screwed. Whoops. Tmi.

Wait, that's crazy far.

Are you sure she's not cheating?

You know what, kelly? This is the real world.

Not the real world: Scranton.

Oh, my god, this is super weird.

When ryan had two girlfriends,

He used to take me to some diner in hazelton

Just so the other girl wouldn't see.

Some diner? It was the starlight diner.

It's, it's in a life magazine spread

About americana.

You guys think donna's cheating on me?

- No. Michael, no. - Are you nuts?

You had a nice meal with your girlfriend

In a lovely place--

- And--we had sex too. - That is right.

Don't make any more of it. How?

How what?

How do I not make any more of it?

You could start by concluding this meeting.

All right.

And she won't say, "I love you."

Oh, no.

How many dates have you been on?

Nine dates.

I said it on the second date.

- Mm. - That seems...Quick.

Even for lesbians.

Does she keep her phone locked around you, michael?

Does she watch how much she drinks around you, michael?

Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls?

Does she keep perfume in her purse?

Does she shower before sex? Does she shower aftesex?

Does she-- - yeah, she does all that.

- Sorry, dude. - No, no--

Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.

- Run what? - Amok.

It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.

Why didn't you just say that, pam?

Michael, do not let your imagination

Run out of control.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You have a bad imagination. It's stupid.

I live in a fantasy world.

- You do? - Yes, jim, I do.

And I can't stay in a relationship

That is full of lies and deceit.

But you didn't believe any of this was true

Five minutes ago.

That's what makes it so wrong.

Ever since I found out

That donna might be cheating on me,

I have not eaten or slept.

This not knowing, that's what's killing me.

Oh, god, that tickles. What did--

I want someone to follow donna.

I want her tailed.

I need the name of a good private investigator.

I think I've got one for you.

This is you. How much do you charge?

$100 a day, plus expenses.

I'll give you $50. Money's no object.

Done. I'm just gonna warn you--

And I say this to all my clients--

You might not like what I find.

Okay.

And you might not like how I find it.

Of course. Yeah, that's terrible.

Okay, let me get back to you.

Hey, stanley.

One of my clients just called and said that

Their sabre printer started smoking

And caught on fire.

My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs.

We all got problems.

Hey, gabe, I need to talk to you about something.

It's really important.

There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?

Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called.

He was in the middle of a big printing job

And the back of the printer started smoking

And then the paper tray caught on fire.

That's weird.

I haven't heard of that happening.

I would even settle for apricot preserves.

What are we gonna do about this?

I don't know.

Call hq, see if they know anything.

Yeah.

That's what I'll do today.

All right. Yeah.

Let me know what they say.

Wow.

That dude is good.

What do you mean?

You didn't feel like he was hiding something?

I don't know.

Like he was... Covering something up?

Maybe.

Two years ago,

Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment

That he forgot to process.

We got yelled at pretty bad.

Almost lost my job,

And I was mad as hell at the time.

But I said, "darryl, just wait.

"he's a fool, there's gonna be an opportunity.

Just be patient."

- Hi, stranger. - Oh, hi.

You work fwr michael.

I work with michae

- Right. - Dwight schrute.

Donna, hi.

All cases are solved with logic.

The only logical way to find out

If donna is a cheater is to seduce her,

Bring her to orgasm, then call michael

And tell him the sad news.

That's interesting.

Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?

It's never too early for ice cream, jim.

But we didn't have any ice cream,

So this is mayonnaise and black olives.

- Oh... - Oh, my god.

It's comfort food, all right?

God.

You know, michael, this whole donna thing