Arthur Newman

All new planes...

Congratulation Mr. Avery.

You're in the system, you're good to go, so by next week.

I can't come next week, I have a business prospects elsewhere.

Oh, good for you, sir. Are you going to go work at another FedEx?

Should go to window seven...

In here.

Is everything ready?

It's $3,000, as discussed.

The exact name you asked for.

It's not a real...

I mean, these numbers belong to a real human being?

Arthur J. Newman, born Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1964.

Died Visalia, California, 2010.

A real human being.

Good luck, Mr. Newman.

I already did the mustard.

By the way, did I mention I'm going camping this weekend?

Talbot Island State Park.

Well, it's right on the beach, about 16 miles from

Jacksonville proper.

No, you didn't.

Well, it was more or less a spur of the moment decision.

You see, I was thinking what is the most economical

vacation that I...

that we could take...

on my limited budget and, well, it dawned on me I used

to be a Boy Scout leader, and I had a tent, and a

sleeping bad, and...

well, actually, I didn't think you'd want to come, what with

the sand, sea creatures, and...

like I said, it was more or less a spur

of the moment decision.

Thanks for the hot dog, Wallace.

I got to go back to work.

This is Arthur J. Newman calling in reference to the

380SL convertible I'll be purchasing tomorrow.

I was hoping I could come in at...

at 9 AM instead.

I have an important business meeting

tomorrow, and I was hoping...

No problem. I'll see you at noon.

Thank you very much.

Hey.

We saw you spying on us again last night.

I just came by to say I was going to Talbot Island State Park today.

Campground on a beach near, uh, Jacksonville.

Anyway, I brought you a gift.

Just 'cause, uh...

Hey, I'm Arthur Newman.

Uh, how's it going?

How's life treatin' you, friend?

I'm Arthur Newman!

Hey, there!

Yep.

Yep, it's Arthur New...

Yep, it's Arthur Newman.

That's me.

I don't have a permanent address yet, friend, but as soon as

I get one, I'll mail it to you so your form is complete.

Good.

Excuse me.

I do not choose to partake of pornography, sir.

This is an extremely inappropriate subject matter

for public venue.

OK.

Get out of the car, miss!

You stole my car, you fuckin' crazy bitch!

We're going to have to get you out

of there, now!

Whoa!

God!

I know my rights!

I have a college education!

Uh!

Uh oh, here's trouble.

Just call your wife, see if she wants her car back!

I just borrowed it!

Show's over.

Everybody go home.

Yeah.

My ex-husband.

Actually, spying.

You know what's crazy?

When we were married, he avoided Kevin like the plague.

Well, and now...

it's a strange way to feel connected.

You know what's so sad about it?

He was kind of great once.

Good times!

Yeah, good times!

I want to have some good times!

I like 'em fat, I like 'em tall, I like them stubby, I

like them all.

I like them stubby.

Hello?

Are you OK?

Show's over.

Go home.

Um...

Don't touch me.

OK.

You need to see a doctor.

Don't touch me.

I'm going to try to help you, OK?

I won't touch you.

I won't use my hands.

You lift your arms up, like this, up.

Put your arm around my neck.

That way I can life you up using my own body weight.

No contact whatsoever with my hands.

Can you do that?

Put your arm around my neck.

OK?

There, good job.

No hands.

OK, now, give me your... give me your other arm.

OK, ready?

I can feel your hand.

My name is Arthur Newman.

Arthur J. Newman.

Driver's license, Social Security, any form of ID.

Are you Michaela Fitzgerald?

They need to know your name.

Are you Mic... are you Michaela Fitzgerald without peroxide?

Call me Mike.

How's life treating you?

No complaints.

Yeah, that's what we like to hear.

Hey, just out of curiosity, did you happen to hear about a

car theft around here this evening?

Woman allegedly stole a Chevy?

You just admitted the gal.

Actually, I...

I'm just going a good deed.

I don't know her.

The guy with the Chevy didn't know her either.

Picked her up at the Beach Comber and took her to the Motel 6.

Had to drop the charges when the old Mustang Sally fixed to

call his wife from jail.

Mr. Arthur Newman?

Overdosed on what?

It's a morphine-based cough syrup, very powerful narcotic.

She drank two bottles of it.

When I asked her why, she said she had a bad cough.

We pumped her stomach. We're cleaning her our with an intravenous feed.

She should be fine in the morning.

Cough syrup?

She's in there.

Hey now, don't you look sharp as a tack?

In case you don't remember, I'm Arthur.

I brought you here.

Did I have sex with you?

No.

Absolutely not.

Anyway, I just can't buy to...

Don't leave me alone.

...how you were getting along.

Stay here with me.

And then take me with you in the morning

when the sun is shining.

Please?

OK, OK.

I'll stay.

For a while.

I'm not asleep yet.

Hello, Mike.

Well, maybe you don't remember me.

I'm Arthur.

Arthur J. Newman.

And I...

I saved you.

Well, I...

I helped you.

You said you'd stay.

You left.

Where would you like me to take you?

Should I put the top up?

No.

Would you like a hot dog or nachos?

No.

OK.

Forgot something.

Is that where you hide your money?

I'm not hiding anything, Mike.

Arthur?

Yes, Mike?

What's your story?

My story?

What kind of a human being am I?

I mean, what's your story.

I'm a golf pro.

You mean...

you're no Tiger Woods.

Actually, Mike, I've won quite a few prestigious tournaments.

But to tell you the truth, life on the road is wearing me down,

so I'm taking a gig.

Resident pro at a course in Terre Haute, Indiana.

Were are you going, anyway?

I don't know.