The In-Laws

Hello, this is Alpha and Beta. Over.

We read you, Alpha Beta. Location. Over.

We're whipping along South Factory

and should be coming into the old “minterooni” in about nine minutes at 1100.

Over and out.

What's goin' on?

Wait a minute. Oh, Christ! Arabs!

- What are you talking about? - For Christ's sake!

Base, this is Alpha Beta. Come in. Come in, base.

I bet it's Arabs. I saw a TV show. This is what they do.

Base, come in. Come in, base. This is Alpha Beta.

- Oh, Jesus Maria. - This is Alpha Beta! Come in!

- Goddamned Arabs! - They're lowering us now.

- What's happenin'? What's wrong? - I think we're jammed.

Jammed? Get somebody on that radio! We can't use no jammed!

Hello! Base! Base!

We're the US Treasury, for Christ's sake!

This ain't no Wells Fargo truck!

I'll get ya! Yeah, I'll get your ass! I'll get ya!

Get outta there!

Look at this shit. There's nothin' but money in here.

That's the ticket. Let's go.

Vince?

Hey, Vince.

Hey.

Hey.

- Hey, Vince. - Gee, I can't believe this trade.

What the hell do the Mets need another pitcher for?

All they got is pitchers.

What are we doin' up here? I don't understand.

Oh, there's reasons.

I mean, you know, I don't just do things.

There's always a valid reason.

Let me see.

Mm-hmm.

- All right. Any problems? - None.

Fabulous. Fabulous work.

Now, what's the story on this? You gonna bill me or what?

- He wants a million-five for this. - No sweat.

- By tomorrow. - What?

Sorry. That's what he said.

No, that's completely nuts.

My kid is getting married Sunday. How does he expect me to come up with that kind of money?

Vince.

Do you know how completely tied up I've been with this deal?

I haven't even met the bride's family yet.

If it was up to me, you could take two weeks. But that's what he told me.

Jesus Christ.

Okay. I just have to work something out, that's all.

Thanks for everything.

- How's the wife? - She's fine.

You know she's taken up tennis?

- No kidding. - Yeah.

That's one game, I could never get the hang of it.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because you have to wear shod pants to play.

I guess we oughta break this thing up, huh?

- Take it easy. - You too, Vince.

So long.

Evita, give Acme a call. I'm not happy with the viscosity on these bibs.

Okay, here we go, Mr. Hirschorn.

Just open your mouth, please.

Mr. Hirschorn, take your hand down, put your head back, open your mouth.

That's it.

Mr. Hirschorn, I cannot work this way.

Doc, 72 years I have this tooth. He don't want to die.

Mr. Hirschorn, your tooth is not a “he.”

It's nerves, enamel, rotten, and it's gotta go. No big deal.

Seventy-two years. This tooth had steaks.

This tooth had just beans when I was poor.

Mr. Hirschorn -

This tooth chewed on beautiful women,

including a second cousin of Sophie Tucker.

- Your tooth has had a wonderful- - Dr. Kornpett?

- Yeah. - Your wife is on the line.

- Tell her I'll be right there. - Okay.

Your tooth has had a wonderful life, but now it's time to say good-bye.

I understand. But I want you to know what kind of a tooth this was.

It's an extraordinary tooth. It's gonna be an honor for me to pull it out.

Which I'm gonna do right after I answer this phone call. Excuse me.

Hi. How's it going?

The tent up?

Terrific.

Yeah, I'm getting excited. Is Barbara home?

Yes, she's here being very domestic.

- Hi! - She says hi.

- And remember the wine. - Oh, and remember the wine.

No, not Beaujolais.

Get something fancier. Uh, a Saint-Èmilion or a good California.

Cabernet's great.

Julia Child says Cabernet's great.

- Will you be home early tonight? - Yeah, 7:00 sharp.

He's definitely coming over?

Sweetheart, I'll believe it when I see him.

No, I'll behave myself.

I got somebody in the chair, so I gotta go.

Me too. Good-bye.

My daughter's getting married on Sunday, Mr. Hirschorn.

- Oh, no kiddin'. - Yeah.

- That's great, Doc. Congratulations. - Thank you.

Mazel tov. Nice boy?

Oh, yeah. Second-year law student at Yale.

Oh. And the parents?

Well, the mother's very nice.

The father does some kind of international consulting work.

He travels a lot, so we haven't seen him. He's coming to dinner tonight. First time.

- Call it off. - Call what off?

The wedding. Call it off until you know the father.

- Well, it's Sunday - - Call it off.

She's marrying the son, not the father.

The son is the acorn. You gotta look at the tree.

I've been around a little. Give a listen.

Uh, by the way, here.

What's that, your tooth?

I pulled it when you were on the phone.

You're a nice boy. You could hurt yourself pulling like that.

- Now do me a favor. - I can't call it off, Mr. Hirschorn.

It's not 19th-century Minsk. It's 20th-century Manhattan.

- I hope I'm wrong. - You're wrong.

- Best of luck to you. - Thank you.

- Forget I said anything. - I forgot already.

- False alarm. - I hope they haven't had an accident.

Mr. Ricardo's been out of town. Maybe he got hung up.

“Hung UP”?

- I have to take the roast beef out of the oven. - Just put it on the warmer.

- An hour late. Great start. - I'm sure there's a good reason.

- Why couldn't he call? - Well, if he's in bad traffic, he can't call.

- What are you taking their side for? - I'm not taking anybody's side.

- You're still in our family, Barbara. - Oh, God, Dad, don't lay this on me.

They're late, all right? Don't make it like a family issue.

Such a hotshot, how come he doesn't have a phone in the car?

Who said he was a hotshot?

You did. Travels all over the world. Hasn't got time to meet the new in-laws.

I had a patient today, Mr. Hirschorn, said I should call the whole thing off. Yes.

That's a brilliant solution to the problem.

Coupe de Ville?

That's them. Are you okay, or are you gonna be totally hostile to them?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Will you ever forgive me?

- Please come in. Come in. - Oh, welcome!

It's all my fault.

I had business in Canada and those damn Canadians, they never stop talking.

- Believe me, I know what it's like. - You must be the lovely mother of the bride.

L am - (Sh!

Now I know where Barbara gets her good looks.

- Oh, thank you. - We're just very, very glad you're here.

- I'm Sheldon Kornpett. - Shelly, I'm just thrilled to meet ya.

Tommy tells me you were the first dentist ever to use that drill that spritzes water?

Among the first in New York, I think. Why are we standing in the hallway?

- Please come in and have a drink. - I could use one. It's been one of those days.

Shelly, have you ever had one of those days -

I hate to say this, but if we don't sit down right away,

that roast beef is just going to be inedible.

- I'm starving, so it's fine with me. - I'll take drink orders and make them myself.

I'm petrified.

My father was like a maniac before you came.

Vince, how long did you actually live in Guatemala?

Oh, he was gone for ages.

I was in the jungle -

the bush, we called it-

for approximately nine months.

Nine months. My God. That really must have been something.

Sheldon, it was unbelievable.

I saw things...

They have tsetse flies down there the size of eagles.

Really.

In the evening, I would stand in front of my hut and watch in horror

as these giant flies would pick children off the ground and carry them away.

- My God. - Oh, the things he told us.

Oh, it was an incredible sight.

Peasants screaming, chasing these flies down the road, waving brooms.

You can imagine the pathetic quality

of this waving these crudely fashioned brooms at these enormous flies

as they carried their children off to almost certain death.

Oh, that is just the most horrible thing.

You sure these are flies you're talking about?

Flies.

The natives had a name for 'em.

José Grecos de Muertos.

Flamenco dancers of death.

You took those slides of them that never came out, remember?

That's a shame. I really would have liked to have seen those slides.

- Me too. - Yeah.

I left 'em in a jacket that got Martinized.

It broke my heart because those slides would've won me a Pulitzer Prize.

The enormous flies flapping slowly away into the sunset.

Small, brown babies clutched in their beaks.

Wow.

Beaks? Flies with beaks?

A sight I'll never forget.

I was stunned. Appalled.

What did you do?

What did I do?

As a consultant, what did you do about the flies?

Sadly, there's very little you can do

because of the tremendous red tape in the bush.

There's red tape in the bush?

Enormous red tape, Sheldon.

These flies, for example, uh, they're protected against pilferage

under the provisions of the Guacamole Act of 1917.

I've been getting the National Geographic for years. I never ran into any -